He thinks about his little brother every day.
Josh Dickson remembers the sheer ferocity and vigour Sam, a loose forward, would display on the rugby field.
He smiles when he recalls the chance the brothers got to represent Otago together.
Most of all, he feels the pain — but also plenty of pride — when he reflects on the strength, spirit, grace and dignity Sam displayed before he died of cancer in May, the illness robbing the Dickson family of a beloved son and brother at the tender age of 24.
"It is hard to talk about. Even now, I feel emotional talking about it," Dickson said yesterday.
"It’s s... Cancer is horrible. I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.
"I think about him every day. It’s still pretty raw.
"I have awesome memories of Sam. He fought to the very end. And he did it with strength.
"He was the toughest man I know."
The brothers played together for Otago University, and in 2018 they shared the field twice for Otago.
Josh’s career took off — he became a regular for both Otago and the Highlanders, earned Māori All Blacks selection, and trained with the All Blacks — but Sam was a fine player in his own right, good enough to earn New Zealand Schools selection and become a regular member of University teams.
"Sam was so talented. His aggression and his style of play — I just really admired it so much. I wish I could be like that."
Sam was first diagnosed with cancer as a teenager and, after a period of remission, the illness returned in 2022.
His brother was in and out of the Highlanders this year as he took compassionate leave to be by Sam’s side in hospital.
"There were times when he needed more help from the family, so I would stop playing for two weeks and go in there to be with him."
Josh was older, but Sam was the one who left the important lessons.
"I just try to take the strength that he had in his last six months, and try to relate it to my life.
"You can’t take anything for granted. Something can pop up, just like that, and health is so important.
"I used to worry about a lot of things in rugby, like making teams and doing well. It used to really get to me.
"But it’s a game of rugby. I do my best for me and my team-mates and my coaches and my family, but I don’t dwell on the little things as much."
Dickson, 28, will look back on a fine New Zealand career when he heads to Japan to take up a three-year deal with the Toyota Verblitz club after his last game for Otago on Sunday.
He earned 55 caps for the Highlanders and will finish on 78 for Otago, along with appearances for the Māori, New Zealand Colts and the All Blacks XV.
"That was massive. I was really nervous for that one.
"I was playing the best northern hemisphere players, on debut, and back then I probably wasn’t ready but I got chucked in there and gave it my best crack.
"I will remember that forever. It was unreal."
Dickson (Ngāi Tahu) had not delved too much into his heritage before joining the Māori team.
He was "a wee bit nervous" when he was first selected in the squad but immediately felt at home.
"I loved it. I think I really got confident being in that environment. I opened up, and grew as a person."
In many other eras, Dickson would have graduated to an All Blacks jersey.
He got exceptionally close — training with the national team for nearly a month as injury cover in 2021 — but the window closed.
"I was grateful for the opportunity to go in and just be among the All Blacks, you know what I mean.
"I didn’t play. That’s OK. I had a sniff, and I got to be in that environment and train and get better with that calibre of players.
"I learnt so much and I will never take that for granted."
He could still return to New Zealand rugby after his Japanese stint but Dickson effectively ended his All Blacks dream when he signed the contract.
"It crosses every player’s mind when they’ve been here for a while — whether they should stay here or have a crack somewhere else.
"I just felt, with the young players coming through, and my age and where I’m sitting at, moving to a place like Japan for a different challenge is better for me and my family.
"It’s just my time. I’ve done plenty of years here."
Dickson grew up in Tapanui and Wānaka, attending Mount Aspiring College before coming to Dunedin to join Otago Boys’ High School as a year 12 pupil.
After that stretch of time in and around Otago rugby, he knows it will be a wrench when he runs on to Forsyth Barr Stadium one final time on Sunday.
"It is a bit emotional for me because I’ve been here so long.
"But going to Japan is just a different challenge for me. Moving to a different country — even just moving in general, outside rugby — is going to be interesting, and I’m looking forward to it.
"It’s a bit scary. But definitely exciting as well."
There will be familiar faces in Japan as the Toyota coaches are former Otago men Ben Herring and Ryan Martin — who coached Dickson in an Otago Boys’ team that reached the national first XV final in 2012 — and the club’s other new signings include Highlanders great Aaron Smith and Beauden Barrett.
Otago have nothing but pride to play for when they host Counties-Manukau on Sunday, and Dickson acknowledged it had been a frustrating season.
"It’s been tough. I feel like we’ve been searching for quite a lot of answers.
"It feels like each week, after a loss, we think ‘s..., what’s going wrong?’
"The boys are real keen to learn, and try and improve. But we’ve got young guys who will just take some time to adjust to learning how to play the game well.
"It’s just time. A lot of our guys have come straight out of school. I was two years out of school when I first played for Otago, and I knew nothing.
"They’ll come right. We’ve got one last game to show our supporters that we can do it, so hopefully it’s a good weekend for us."
Dickson allayed any concerns surrounding the culture of the Otago team.
The environment was positive and the players enjoyed a close relationship, he said.
Dickson, wife Caylin and 18-month-old daughter Claire head to Japan next week.
