Sometimes, optimism can only carry New Zealand cricket fans so far.
Dreams of gritty tons, dazzling fast bowling spells and unexpected victories on enemy territory are regularly washed away by a tide of spectacular collapses, awful shots and insipid bowling.
Why get your hopes up when it can be safer (and occasionally fun) to prepare for the worst and wallow in the familiar feeling of utter defeat?
With that in mind, here are your five worst Black Caps to have played Australia in the past 20 years, something to consider ahead of the coming two-test series across the ditch:
1. Peter Ingram. A fine example of how domestic success does not always translate to international stardom. Ingram scored 42 on debut against the Bangers, but managed just 5 and 1 in his second and final test, against Australia. Only time he moved his feet was walking to and from the pitch.
2. Murphy Su'a. A punchline for a generation of New Zealand cricket watchers. Played four tests against Australia and took five wickets (three were tail-enders) at the splendid average of 86.80.
3. Chris Harris. A good all-round one-day player, but Harry did not belong in whites. In three tests against Australia, he scored 30 runs (average 5.00) and bowled 17 wicketless and expensive overs.
4. Richard de Groen. As a test cricketer, he made a heck of an Olympic official. Sent down 80 overs against Australia and claimed three wickets at 77.67.
5. Craig Spearman and Blair Pocock (tied). There had to be an opener or two on this list. Pocock had five tests against Australia and averaged 17.30. Spearman had three and averaged 17.50.
• Hogan's done
Sporting comebacks rarely have a fairy-tale ending, and so it is with the great Martin Crowe.
His attempt to get back into cricket has been cut short by a series of niggling injuries, so the headband and the Duncan Fearnley have gone back into the memory box.
I doubted his ability to return to top cricket after such a long break, but I was never going to criticise Crowe. He was my first sporting hero. And he averaged 48.27 against Australia, if you were wondering.
• Thommo tweets
We know Highlanders flanker Adam Thomson is a heck of a rugby player and a smart and funny man.
Now you can add philanthropist to the list.
Thomson joined a campaign to raise money for Starship Hospital, promising he would donate $1000 if he got 5000 followers on Twitter. it didn't take long - he is now at 5128 followers and counting, and will be writing out a cheque.
• Stand naming
A topic that arises now and then is whether Forsyth Barr Stadium will apply new names to its various stands.
One has been snapped up, of course. Patrons sitting in the eastern end of the Glasshouse are now in the Otago Daily Times Stand, named for the finest paper in the land.
But what of the other three? Will their names be sold? Will any be kept sponsor-free and named after Sutcliffe, Wilson or the like?
A reader, Mark Geddes, sees merit in naming the stands after rivers in the Otago region, demonstrating the stadium is more than just a sports facility.
He suggests the Clutha Stand (south), the Shotover Stand (west) and the Waitaki Stand (north). His idea for the newly christened ODT Stand had been the Leith Stand.
• Rough diamonds
Baseball v softball. It feels like it's 1911, not 2011, and the "northern code" is clashing with the rugby establishment.
There were no real winners to emerge out of the clash between three New Zealand softballers indicating their desire to dabble in baseball, and a Softball New Zealand organisation determined to protect the Black Sox.
Those who side with the players would argue SNZ is being paranoid. But plenty of staunch softball types are backing the national body.
I will always have a soft spot for softball. Many of my summers were spent beside the diamonds at a then-teeming Centennial Park in Oamaru, where Mum was a busy school coach and my brother was a talented pitcher.
But is it really so bad that some players want to play both softball and baseball? Belinda Colling and Donna Loffhagen succeeded in both netball and basketball, two similar but competing codes.
Softball offers New Zealand youngsters the chance to be world champions. But baseball's path features college and professional opportunities in the United States, and it will be no surprise if the smaller-ball code starts to flourish.
• 'Nix needs you
Southern football fans need to mobilise now and get December 14 circled on their calendars.
That Wednesday night is when Dunedin hosts a full A-League game for the first time, with our Wellington Phoenix playing the mighty Brisbane Roar in a rematch of the pre-season game.
It is a huge occasion for the new stadium and a massive opportunity for the city and the region to show it wants to see regular top football.
Eden Park hauled in a record 20,000 for its Phoenix game. It is unrealistic to expect that sort of crowd in Dunedin, but we need to show the A-League and New Zealand Football we want the Phoenix and, eventually, the All Whites to come here.
• Scarf giveaway
The Last Word refuses to wear the colours of any football club other than Liverpool, so has a lovely Celtic scarf to donate to a good home.
If you fancy the "Bhoys" and want to go in the draw for the scarf - bought in Scotland, so it's genuine - flick your name and a contact number to the email below by noon on Monday.
