Boys behaving badly. Every sport has them, but which code really possesses the worst-behaved bunch of plonkers?
What a good question, if I do say so myself. Especially as the Premier League is on a break and we need something to keep us busy while we wait for the resumption of hostilities.
Let's rank them.
From the good boys down to the very, very bad, these are the Kop That Sports Behaviour Rankings:
Best behaved: Golf
Winner by a landslide. You can't beat a sport that preaches self-governance, crisply ironed dress pants and the "you're away'' line.
Sure, you've got John Daly, who's had a hundred wives and is a hopeless boozer and once smashed a fan's camera against a tree.
But generally, golfers are a classy bunch. They're polite and smart and they are too busy obsessing over yardage to get into trouble.
Very good: Tennis
When you think about it, most of the negative headlines in tennis over the last few years have actually been caused by parents and fans.
Damir Dokic, estranged father of Australian player Jelena Dokic, was last week sentenced to 15 months in prison for threatening to kill Australia's ambassador to Serbia.
The Barmy Balkan also made the occasional bomb threat, smashed a reporter's phone, pondered kidnapping his daughter and was dramatically tossed out of Wimbledon in 2000 for abusing a food server.
Jim Pierce (Mary's father) hurled abuse at his daughter's opponents and was banned by the WTA in 1993, while Marinko Lucic was voted by a British newspaper poll in 2003 as the worst tennis dad ever after it was revealed he beat his daughter, the promising Mirjana, to help her
concentrate.
And, finally, Gunter Parche was the obsessed German fan who loved Steffi Graf so much he ran on to the court and stabbed rival Monica Seles in 1993 in the sport's most shocking incident.
The players themselves? Apart from grunting and the odd thrown racket, they're basically well behaved.
Generally fine but the occasional lapse: Rugby
For a testosterone-charged sport, rugby actually comes off relatively well when you analyse player behaviour.
Some public urination, handbag-hurling, drunken window-smashing and various misdemeanours do occur, but the biggest rugby scandal in years was Bloodgate, a scam orchestrated by a coach.
Gentlemen when they choose: Cricket
If it wasn't for Jesse Ryder, New Zealand cricket would be seen as a haven for the haloed.
Ryder, a supremely talented fat kid, put his hand through a window in a Christchurch bar while in a sozzled state, suffering a nasty injury in the process.
He had another booze-related incident, then was involved in some sort of off-field drama involving security guards while playing in the IPL.
Across the ditch, Andrew Symonds is the prince of plonkers. He missed a team training because of a fishing trip, got into a brawl in a pub, called our Brendon McCullum a "lump of s...t'' during a radio interview, and was sent home from the world T20 for a late-night drinking session.
Otherwise, most cricketers seem content with being nasty and foul-mouthed on the field.
Overpaid ratbags: Football
It seems like it's been a quiet, scandal-free start to the Premier League season.
But when they get the chance, top footballers just love to get in trouble.
Joey Barton is always Case No 1. Barton has been convicted twice on charges of violence. In 2008, he was sentenced to six months imprisonment for common assault and affray, and also given a four months suspended sentence for assaulting a team-mate.
The charmer was also involved in an unsavoury incident in 2004 when he stubbed out a cigar on the eyes of a reserve player at a Manchester City Christmas party.
Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard was in court recently for smashing a patron who wouldn't change the music in a pub, and Rio Ferdinand has several driving convictions and one ban for failing to take a drug test to his name.
Stan Collymore was a grub who delved into a dodgy practice known as "dogging'', and eight- club journeyman Craig Bellamy became known as "Nutter with a Putter'' after whacking Liverpool team-mate John-Arne Riise with a golf club.
Criminals: American football
I've got a book at home called Pros And Cons: The Criminals Who Play in the NFL, and it's a truly scary book.
The authors dug up statistics that showed a staggering 21% of elite gridiron players had been charged with a serious crime.
Assault, rape, domestic violence and drug possession ran rife for years. While the NFL is slightly cleaner now, there is still regular trouble.
Wide receiver Plaxico Burress, who won a Super Bowl with the New York Giants just two seasons ago, is awaiting sentence after carrying an illegal weapon and accidentally shooting himself last year.
Delinquents, miscreants, thugs, boofheads: Rugby league
We have a winner.
Rugby league, a great game, has been blighted almost beyond repair by the actions of the stupid young men who damage its legacy with every false move.
Matthew Johns (group sex), Andrew Johns (drugs), Greg Bird (assaulting a female), Brett Stewart (sexual assault), Craig Gower (general booze-related unpleasantness), Greg Inglis (assaulting a female), Tevita Latu (assaulting a female), Willie Mason (drugs and public urination), Nate Myles (defecating on hotel floor), Setaimata Sa (assault), Reni Maitua (drugs), Paul Gallen (racism) and Brett Seymour (drunken disorder) have all been either convicted of or charged with an offence, or at least have done something bang out of order.
Had enough, anyone?
