• Get comfortable
Hey, we're talking 64 games in 30 days here. You don't want to suffer any self-inflicted leisure injuries. I'm a fan of the reclining armchair myself. If you go the sofa/couch route, make sure there is room for your legs.
• Find an appropriate alarm clock
They come in piercing, pesky and "Will somebody please turn that thing OFF!" But you'll need one for all those 2am and 6am starts.
• Stay warm
You can try to keep the fire going or add to your already obscene winter power bills by cranking up the heater. But nothing beats wrapping up in a big blanket with a hot water bottle at your feet.
• Think of the children...
Yes, you will be tempted to scream and carry on like a clown, especially when the All Whites score. But remember others are sleeping.
• ...and your stomach too
The keys to the midnight snack are simplicity and digestibility. Think cheese toasties, ice cream, nuts, chocolate cake and leftovers, washed down with a frothy hot chocolate.
• The odds are in your favour
Throw a lazy tenner on (a) Spain to make the final @ $2.75, (b) a South American team to win the Cup @ $3, or (c) New Zealand to qualify for the second round @ $9. Leading scorers: I like Brazil's Luis Fabiano ($11) or Spain's Fernando Torres ($13). Stupidest betting option: total tournament corners (645 and under is the favourite @ $2.20).
• The commentators
A welcome change from Mex, Smithy, Nisbo and Sumo. Keep an ear out for Martin Tyler, English football's finest. Cross your fingers for a lack of theatrics (Martin Devlin) or inane assessments (Fred de Jong, Dennis Katsanos and Harry Ngata) from New Zealand-based experts. And avoid Yahoo's David Beckham channel.
• Practise your pronounce... prununcy... the way you say the names
Wrap your tongue around these: South African midfielder Siphiwe Tshabalala, Greece defender Socrates Papastathopoulos, Nigeria defender Danny Shittu, and Cameroon goalkeeper Guy Roland Ndy Assembe.
• Keep an eye on theArgentina coach
Because when Diego Maradona goes to a World Cup, crazy things happen.
• Let the chants fly
"There's Only One Rory Fallon". "All Whiiiitttes, Ole, Ole, Ole". "We All Dream Of A Team Of Ryan Nelsens". "White Here, White Now".
• Nicknames
Learn who Bafana Bafana (South Africa), the Elephants (Ivory Coast), the Oranje (Netherlands), the Flea (Lionel Messi), the Rhino (Gennaro Gattuso) and El Nino (Fernando Torres) are.
• Officially, it's called "simulation"
Rugbyheads will be in heaven when they see sissies clutching their faces and rolling on the ground. Fifa is promising to crack down on the plague of diving. Let's hope that happens.
• Number games
4-4-2 and 3-4-3 and 4-2-3-1 are not some obscure code. They indicate the formation a team is playing, starting from the back.
• Grudge match (part one)
The tastiest fixture in pool play is unquestionably England v United States (Sunday morning). Old v new. Fading power v super power. Arrogant assumption of superiority v ditto. And with echoes of the 1-0 loss in the 1950 World Cup that the English will never forget.
• Grudge match (part two)
Brazil (ranked first in the world) and Portugal (third) share history, culture, a language and a hatred of losing to the other on the football field. Their group clash (June 26) will not be for the faint-hearted.
• But, but, the ball is always in play!
Oooh, well spotted. There are no scrums, reset or otherwise, and no lineouts in football. So 90 minutes ACTUALLY means 90 minutes.
• Realism. embrace it
Get excited but remember the All Whites will be rank underdogs in every game they play. They won't win this World Cup. You know, just like the All Blacks.
• Low scoring doesn't mean low excitement
Just like "celebrating 50 years of New Zealand television with a painful quiz show featuring so-called celebrities" doesn't mean two hours of entertainment.
• Excuses, excuses
The most popular reason offered by those who find themselves unable to clock in at work after pulling a few late nights? Food poisoning, apparently. Dental appointments can also be convenient.
