•The Black Caps will try 84 different combinations before figuring out the Rubik's Cube really is impossible and settling on Edgar and Wright at the top of the order.
•The whizz-bang marketing department at the TAB will appoint Lou Vincent as its new chief bookmaker. The mysterious Indian known only as VG and former fudge-maker Chris Cairns reportedly turned down the position. Word is VG wanted a woman thrown in to ''sweeten the deal'', while Cairns wanted to be paid in diamonds.
•An apologetic Kevin Pietersen will take time out from his book tour to write chants for the Barmy Army. Most of the lyrics will rhyme with the Afrikaans word ''doos''.
•Five members of the Afghanistan cricket team will curiously go missing shortly after they play Scotland in Dunedin on February 26. Prime Minister John Key will blame Nicky Hager's vast left-wing conspiracy and label Andy Moles a loser. But the players will show up in Taihape two days later, claiming they thought it was Kabul. Mr Key will get an eight-point bounce in the polls.
•Shane Warne will surpass Michael Jackson as the most operated-on man in history and will announce to the world via a social website he will play himself in the movie Warnie.
•Mike Hesson and Ross Taylor will be caught in a cheeky embrace.
•The ICC will announce a series of shocking changes. Bowlers will be replaced by a ball-delivery system made completely from recycled Astroturf and the endless tears of Black Caps supporters. It is expected the innovation will cut down on laundry expenses and pardon bowlers, who have become increasingly irrelevant in modern cricket. Bats will be 20% bigger, boundaries 20% smaller and the forward defensive banned. Geoffrey Boycott's name will be expunged from all the record books.
•Jesse Ryder will star in those blokey ads featuring the catch phrase ''No more beersies for you''.
•Every single visiting cricketer will be expected to pronounce our country as the most beautiful on the planet or be forced to watch reruns of New Zealand's Got Talent.
•The West Indies will sell Jamaica and possibly the Bahamas to fund their World Cup campaign. Rumour has it Indian cement tycoon and straight-laced cricket administrator Narayanaswami Srinivasan has made them an offer they can't refuse.
•Kane Williamson will undergo electrocution ''therapy'' to cure his rubber elbow syndrome. Critics will point to rubber's insulating properties but Williamson will go ahead with the controversial treatment regardless.
