Mrs Elliott was in Oamaru yesterday on behalf of the Sophie Elliott Foundation talking to more than 100 people about the dangers of abusive and controlling relationships.
To her, educating people about what her family and Sophie went through is her legacy to her daughter, killed by Clayton Weatherston, who is serving a sentence of life imprisonment with no parole for 18 years for the murder.
The foundation, which receives royalties from the book Sophie's Legacy, which was written by Mrs Elliott and Bill O'Brien, is aimed at educating young people and families about relationships and encouraging them to seek help.
Mrs Elliott told yesterday's Oamaru meeting, which was organised by Zonta, what her family missed in Sophie's relationship with Weatherston. Today, she will repeat the message to senior girls of Waitaki Girls' High School and St Kevin's College.
It was only after Sophie's death that the family realised the relationship with Weatherston had been an abusive one, she said.
"I felt he was up himself [during the relationship], but I now realise it was much more than that. That is why I am talking to you on behalf of Sophie to tell you what her relationship was," she said.
Mrs Elliott made some important discoveries on abusive and controlling relationships after Sophie's death as she researched the subject. From the Internet, she downloaded several pages on signs of abuse. When she went through and "ticked the boxes", she found about 90% applied to her daughter.
"I cried. If I had only known the signs, I might have been able to save her. If she [Sophie] had read that, she would have recognised the signs early on and may have been able to get out [of the relationship]."
Knowing the signs was "not rocket science"; she identified them under headings of:
• Power and control - Weatherston as Sophie's lecturer had that over her;
• The age difference of 10 years between them did matter - teenagers and people in their early 20s still had a lot to learn and experience about relationships, compared with someone in their 30s;
• Threats and entitlements - "if you like/love me, you will...." or the suggestion it was her fault if something went wrong;
• Jealousy - "you're lucky because you have a nice car. . . ";
• Psychological abuse - "the hardest to detect" but calling Sophie "fat, ugly, slut, whore";
• Physical abuse - much easier to detect, which happened to Sophie in one instance 10 days prior to her death;
• Attacking self esteem - depressed, anxious, worried, feeling out of control and "doing my head in".
And none of that was acceptable, Mrs Elliott said, repeating the message that: "Abuse is not OK."
