Bruce Heather, of Invercargill, made the comments while commemorating Anzac Day at the Hampden War Memorial yesterday.
He and his wife Ann lead programmes for inmates at Invercargill Prison as part of their Salvation Army duties.
Mr Heather said it was clear through his work and the history of returned military people that men were routinely expected to suppress emotions and when they expressed themselves they risked being shunned.
Many soldiers returning from wars had not been encouraged to talk about their grief over what they had seen and done, and support for them to return to a normal life had been minimal.
Many prisoners he dealt with were people who had experienced trauma or moments of grief, but had never been allowed to openly process what had happened to them.
''About 80% of our hardened people have all been sexually abused or beaten up as kids. We had a fellow who when he was 9 his cat was kicked to death in front of him by his dad. It's never been dealt with,'' Mr Heather said.
He said his own father, who was part of the 26th Otago Battalion and stationed in Crete and Italy, did not talk much about what he had experienced.
''Not many returned servicemen did,'' Mr Heather said.
He believed if social attitudes had been different towards men expressing what they had seen in wartime, it would have been beneficial for many of the returned soldiers.
Many of those who returned from war were changed people and that had spin-off effects.
Even now in communities such as Bluff, service people did not talk about what they had seen or done during war, he said.
Mrs Heather said if people were sent to a conflict zone they must be offered support during their time there and then when they were re-entering society.
''If we're going to send people overseas and put them in danger, when they do come back we've got to look after them.''
There was the stereotype of the stoic ''Kiwi bloke'', which many felt they had to adhere to, she said.
''I hear my daughter say to my grandsons 'don't cry, don't cry', but I say 'cry'. Let them cry, but men have been taught to not cry.''
