There was dancing in the street and old Norm even ducked into the church to offer up a prayer of thanksgiving. The cause of the celebration? Patearoa is officially the "Prime Minister’s Top Town".
The news came in a letter which was read out at the war memorial.
"To the citizens of Patearoa from The Right Honourable Christopher Luxon MP. Prime Minister, BCom., MCom. Greetings. By the powers entrusted to me by the Electoral Act 1993 and Clause 15 of the Political Appointments Amendment Act 2023 I am graciously pleased to confer on Patearoa, in the province of Otago, the title of Prime Minister’s Top Town."
The Prime Minister’s Department’s Top Town Officer (a new role and proof that this government is not slashing public service numbers) provided this analysis:
— Patearoa has been ahead of the government in getting rid of civil servants. None have been employed there since the dismissal of the rabbit nuisance inspector in 1957.
— In general elections the Patearoa booth has consistently returned the National candidate with overwhelming majorities, a sure indication of the town’s wisdom.
— The town is free of patched gang members apart from members of the bowling club wearing blazers and badges, but there is no firm evidence of them causing wanton destruction or intimidating the local inhabitants.
— The town employs more digger drivers than any other settlement of similar size and from the Prime Minister’s personal experience this is a satisfying and skilled profession.
— Under the National government the township’s serious crime rate has plummeted from 10 speeding tickets per annum under the previous Labour administration to just two per annum.
— Under National no Patearoa resident has moved to Australia and there are strong rumours of at least one Australian family thinking quite seriously of moving to Patearoa sometime fairly soon. Not one of the 3000 criminals Australia has deported to New Zealand in the past 10 years has settled in Patearoa.
— Patearoa pensioners have not complained about the $2.13-a-week rise in their benefit, unlike other towns whose beneficiaries have flooded what’s left of MSD with selfish griping about the size of the increase. Instead, in Patearoa they’ve simply given up eating cheese.
— The town has demanded no new housing from Kāinga Ora (Housing New Zealand once department renaming is complete) but instead the several new homes built in Patearoa are the result of private enterprise.
— Patearoa continues to get the country’s language back on track. In spite of the town’s name there is increasing use of the old name "Sowburn" and we look forward to the day when "Sowburn/Patearoa" is in general use. "Kia ora" is sometimes heard, often in a jocular fashion, and research indicates that "G’Day" is still pretty well universal.
— The government plan to fill every pothole in the country has already borne fruit as Patearoa’s long-standing pothole near the old shop has been filled in by locals at no cost to the authorities, which is a confirmation of the wisdom of this major government initiative.
— Under this government there have been no business closures in Patearoa. To those who quibble and suggest that the store, school and garage all closed during a National administration the answer is "Get a life!".
— In Patearoa half the houses are holiday homes and, while it’s not Hawaii, a holiday retreat is something to which all Kiwis should aspire.
"These examples are ample proof of why I chose Patearoa as Top Town. I have asked the local National MP to have a small plaque (say $40 worth) to be delivered by him in person whenever he is able to find time to visit Patearoa. Indeed, whenever he is able to find Patearoa itself. The plaque will go up at the Patearoa Hall near the public conveniences which are a major attraction.
Crucially, as Minister of National Security and Intelligence, I can assure you that espionage by foreign agents is not tolerated in Patearoa even if it meant I had to apologise to China after that unfortunate tarring and feathering episode when the Shanghai Sister City delegation were taken on a tour of Central Otago.
But you have work to do to get entirely back on track. I’m assured that the town’s only self-confessed Labour supporter has been blackballed at the golf club but there’s a so-called writer in the town and a lady who plays the piano who need to be sorted out.
Enjoy the title you so richly deserve because it may not always be yours and in election year it will go to a town in a marginal electorate but in the meantime, as you bask in the glory of your achievement, remember the Prime Minister who has made this paradise on Earth possible for you."
— Jim Sullivan is a Patearoa writer.
