"With the first pick in the 2012 re-distribution draft, the Blues take . . . Dan Carter, first five."
Welcome to a Utopian rugby future, and a project that has consumed far too much of my time this week but which has been incredibly good fun.
I am a fool for a good draft. The American sport czars got it right when they determined the best way to spread talent - to create a level playing field, and boost public interest by making sport unpredictable - was to run a draft system.
For years, The Last Word has argued New Zealand rugby needs to embrace something of its sort, to properly distribute the best young talent around the country.
Imagine an even greater scenario: the NZRU decides it needs five equally competitive Super franchises. No more dud Blues; no more boringly dominant Crusaders.
It voids all contracts, puts all eligible players into the pot, and holds a massive draft. Each franchise gets one pick per round, up to 22. All players in this year's competition are assumed to be (a) fit, (b) in form, and (c) not going to Japan or Europe.
I appointed myself Blues general manager and enlisted four colleagues to help me in the project: rugby writer Steve Hepburn (Highlanders), notorious fairweather fan Tony Love (his beloved Crusaders), sports reporter Adrian Seconi (Hurricanes) and sub-editor Peter Donaldson (Chiefs).
We held the draft over three days, some picks made in person and others via email or text. We drafted in "snake fashion", meaning the order of the picks flipped in each round.
... to try ...
I (the Blues) took Carter with the No 1 pick. Steve (Highlanders) took Kieran Read. Adrian (Hurricanes) took Richie McCaw.
Tony (Crusaders) took Conrad Smith. Peter (Chiefs) completed the first round and produced the first surprise by taking Beauden Barrett.
Victor Vito (to the Chiefs), Adam Thomson (Crusaders), Aaron Cruden (Hurricanes), Sonny Bill Williams (Highlanders) and Israel Dagg (Blues) went in the second round.
Some surprisingly high picks included TJ Perenara (third round), Chris King (fifth) and Gareth Anscombe (sixth). Zac Guildford (11th), Ali Williams (12th) and Tom Donnelly (16th) went quite low.
When former Otago halfback Chris Smylie became the 110th and final pick, our teams were complete:
Blues: Dagg, Jane, Fruean, T Taylor, Gear, Carter, Kerr-Barlow, Haskell, Todd, Kaino, B Retallick, Donnelly, O Franks, Coles, Crockett. Bench: McCartney, Mailau, Graham, Levave, Smylie, Noakes, Ranger.
Chiefs: A Taylor, Nanai-Williams, Parkes, Treeby, Munro, Barrett, Perenara, Vito, Cane, G Whitelock, Clarke, Boric, King, Elliot, Mackintosh. Bench: Funnell, Tameifuna, Bekhuis, Waldrom, C Eaton, Sopoaga, Horrell.
Hurricanes: Toeava, Poki, Ellison, Nonu, Savea, Cruden, Weepu, Messam, McCaw, Mika, A Williams, Romano, Afeaki, Hore, Taumalolo. Bench: Rutledge, T Smith, Crosswell, Lam, Leonard, B Stanley, Masaga.
Crusaders: Marshall, A Whitelock, C Smith, Crotty, Guildford, Slade, A Smith, Manu, Hardie, Thomson, J Eaton, S Whitelock, May, Flynn, Woodcock. Bench: Schwalger, Fia, Moli, L Whitelock, Cowan, Bleyendaal, Stowers.
Highlanders: B Smith, Maitland, Kahui, SBW, Wulf, Anscombe, Ellis, Read, L Braid, Shields, Broadhurst, Hoeata, Faumuina, Mealamu, B Franks. Bench: Matu'u, Goodes, Thrush, Boys, Mathewson, Robinson, Lynn.
... a draft
So, that was step one complete.
Step two was editing the five rosters on an Xbox 360 game, All Blacks Rugby Challenge, to run a simulation of a season.
It took four hours. While many watched the State of Origin decider on Wednesday night, I shuffled the players around. The existing rosters are fairly up to date, but I still had to create a handful of players from scratch.
Finally, I had the five teams in place. The next step - clicking "start" on a full simulated Super 15 season - only took a few minutes. Here's what unfolded.-
• My Blues dominated the round robin, finishing top of the combined standings with a 15-1 record and 71 points;
• The Highlanders also had a great season, finishing 14-2 with 69 points;
• The Hurricanes had 12 wins (58 points), the Crusaders had eight (41) and the struggling Chiefs just four (22);
• In a preliminary semifinal, the Highlanders smashed the Hurricanes 44-15;
• In the major semifinal at Eden Park, the Highlanders upset the Blues 26-22;And, in the final at Forsyth Barr Stadium (imagine the buzz!), the mighty Highlanders thumped the Waratahs 58-18.
The rugby gods (on the Xbox, at least) smile on the Highlanders.
And maybe our rugby writer knows a thing or two.
See you, Jimmy
Southlanders weren't the only group disappointed stalwart Jimmy Cowan did not get a home curtain call for the Highlanders last week.
I couldn't understand why the famously feisty halfback was left on the bench for 80 minutes when Aaron Smith was having a shocker.
And for those who argue there is "no room for sentiment" in sport, I say: really?
A bloke who's given your team 10 years of service doesn't deserve a send-off?
Jimmy was not my favourite player back in the day. I thought he was an under-achiever for a couple of years, and I wrote as much. But he was never less than pleasant to deal with, and he worked so hard on his game (on and off the field), he earned my deep respect.
Seven quick reasons I am left with positive thoughts about Jimmy Cowan.-
• The Bekker tackle. It was at Carisbrook, in 2007, against the Stormers. Lock Andries Bekker, a thousand feet tall, was flying towards the tryline, when he was cut in half by the Highlanders halfback.
• His defence in general - probably the best of any halfback in the history of the game.
• His form in 2009-10, when he was comfortably the best halfback in the country.
• When his career appeared to be going to (drunken) waste in 2008, he showed great strength to turn things around.
• Jimmy dealt with criticism much better than his Jimmy-maniacs dealt with him being criticised.
• His loyalty to Southland and the Highlanders. He could have left, many times, and he didn't.
• I sent Jimmy a text of congratulations after his 100th appearance for the Highlanders.
Jimmy sent a warm and humble reply. Reporters, used to being ignored/abused/berated/advised, never forget that sort of thing.
Watch this space
The birdies keep whispering about two more big sporting events set to come to Forsyth Barr Stadium.
If the All Whites play Tahiti here in March, and the Warriors play the Cronulla Sharks shortly after, don't forget you read it here first.
The All Whites have not played in Dunedin for 24 years, so it will be great to see them back.
But there will possibly be more excitement about the visit of the Warriors, who have never played here but have a strong base of support in the city.
Birthday of the week
Satchel Paige would have been 106 today.
The great baseball pitcher dominated the old Negro Leagues and then played in the Major Leagues until he was 59.
He was also credited for some great lines, among them.-
• "Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it don't matter."
• "The only change is that baseball has turned me from a second-class citizen to a second-class immortal."
• "Ain't no man can avoid being born average, but there ain't no man got to be common."
• "Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you."
