A ringtone can make me happy — why not?

"They say music can alter moods and talk to you." Well, Eminem says that in Sing for the Moment. And I believe it to be true, writes Liz Breslin.

There’s a specific kind of musical mood-altering I’ve been exploring recently, thanks to leaving the i-tribe and going android and discovering how easy it is to get literally any kind of ringtone in App-world.

I discovered this through eavesdropping on a group of pupils who were working their way down a listening list that might have been titled "supposedly funny Irish dudes dropping the c-bomb in various combinations".

Who has a c-bomb ringtone? In what context would that be OK?

I consider myself a technical genius that I managed to get the theme song from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly to whistle from my phone.

The trouble is I don’t really understand how to turn down my ringer without turning it completely off, so I’ve spent quite a bit of time in meetings, in rehearsals and in the flow of serious conversations, apologising for the electronic ocarina/harmonica combo.

In an effort to be more incognito, I have changed up cowboy for Chewbacca, who yawny-growls, as he does, from somewhere in the depths of my bag, every time something unmissable lands in my inbox. He makes me so happy.

My standard ringtone at the moment is the Minions singing. They also leave me unbelievably cheery. Which is a good state of mind to be in when answering the phone. But not as delightful as all the fun I’m having with customising callers.

One of my best friends is signalled by Wind Beneath my Wings because she thinks it is the worst song of all time.

I invariably start every phone call with her by warbling about being cold in my shadow.

When my husband calls, my phone sings It’s Raining Men, even though that is actually about being single and having lots of choice men raining around you, so I am not sure why I chose that song, thinking of him, though of course I would choose him as my favourite raindrop.

But it’s best not to overthink these things. Anyway, I’m usually too busy dancing to pick up the call on time. And it could be way more insidious.

I know someone who has a dog-barking ringtone for their ex, and people who make use of incoming freight train sounds for their in-laws.

As far as I can tell, there has not been an awful lot of research done on the correlation between the ringtones used and how your call goes. 

Though there is precedent: it’s not just a ringtone thing where music is used to introduce people or places.

We know someone who sings a little song of self-intro as she enters a room.

And I remember the train stations in Japan always used to play their own little notification tone when you arrived.

And that was the height of genius in the 1990s. And Ricky Gervais/Simply the Best/The Office.

Powerful stuff, musical anchoring. I rest my case.

With all this in mind, I’ve compiled a list of the ringtones I would use for an array of well-known people, if I was ever to have their numbers and they were to call me. 

Which, of course, I don’t and they won’t.

But it’s Saturday morning so it’s OK to indulge in a little bit of abstract thought-joining, don’t you think? 

Personal ringtones for politicians who will never call me:

Helen Clark — Fortuna Imperatrix Mundi from Carmina Burana.

Donald Trump — The Imperial March (Darth Vader’s theme song)/the Psycho shower sound effect

Hillary Clinton  — Whip Nae Nae (see the Ellen Show clip, or actually, don’t)

John Key —  I Wanna Hold Your Hand (the McCaw edit)/Flight of the Bumblebee

Justin Trudeau  — Hotline Bling

Personal ringtones for sportsers who will never call me:

Mick Fanning  — shark bell sound effect

Lydia Ko — Hit Me With Your Best Shot

Steven Adams  — (go ahead and) Jump!

anyone from the IOC — Dirty Cash

Personal ringtones for celebrities who will never call me:

Brad Pitt — I’m Too Sexy

Angelina Jolie — Don’t Cry For Me Brangelina

Julia Sloane — The Times They Are A-Changin’

John Boyega — Super Trooper

I was going to do musicians next, but it seems like the choices would just be too obvious.

Still, I wonder if famous musicians ever have their own songs as ringtones?

I wonder what that’d be like, to have your own creative output distilled into a few seconds of tinny bopping?

Oh, wait, gotta go, the phone’s ringing ..."I’m too sexy for my shirt/too sexy for my shirt/so sexy it hurts ..."