Craig Newby is hurting.
The final chapter in his New Zealand rugby career has not gone to plan.
But suggest to Newby that the Otago team has quit or that he has one foot on the plane to England and you get a very firm denial.
"We are still trying our guts out."
"It still really hurts losing. But I don't know what it is. You can accept the odd dropped pass or missed tackle, but each week we get told things to do and then we get on the field and it just goes out the window.
"Too many guys are not listening, not reacting to what they have been taught.
"If you have to lift a guy in a line-out, or go to a ruck and you don't, then I think it must be a mental thing. It's communication.
"That game against Waikato had so many basic errors. Guys not doing what they are told."
He thinks mistakes must be down to a lack of mental ability.
"I can teach my 3-year-old daughter how to open a peanut butter jar once and then she can do it right the next 400 times. But guys are not doing it. It's everyone.
"It must be the top two inches. Physically we are as good as anyone.
"But it's hard to take. Something has got to change. It is probably up to [Otago Rugby Football Union chief executive] Richard Reid to make changes.
"Whether he has done enough this year to save enough money to get the cheque book out, and throw more resources at the team I don't know. Things have to change.
"In my four seasons with Otago we've gone from final, semifinals, quarterfinals to round-robin. The Highlanders are the same."
The team desire was still there, as was his, and he rejected talk he was thinking more about European beaches than Otago in the past three months.
"If I thought I was not performing well or thought I was not going to perform well I would have not played. Technically, I could have got out of my Otago contract. But I didn't want to.
"A contract is a contract. I have a lot of mates here. It was just a given, really."
"I think the frustration of this year has been getting to me."
Newby has basically been a professional rugby player since he left Rotorua Boys High School in 1998.
He shifted to North Harbour the next year, living with mates above the North Shore changing rooms, where he learned some important life lessons.
He was first drafted to the Highlanders by Laurie Mains in 2002, loved Dunedin and the team, and moved permanently to the city in 2004.
But the game had changed during his time in Dunedin, not always for the better, Newby said.
"Professionalism is killing our coaches, I think."
"I wouldn't mind being a coach but in some ways I would just want to be a club coach. Just two nights a week, and play on Saturdays.
"Ten years ago the coach had control of the team. Nowadays you have the nutritionist, trainer, physio, all saying these things . . . they've got to have a pool session, have recovery.
"It has its scientific merit and at the top level and Super 14 it is all right. With the right balance. But the NPC should be about fun.
"Laurie Mains, though he did not come out and say it, believed in playing hard on Saturday and then you had the drink and then by Monday you had to get back into training, as you had get the money as you owed the bank.
"In some ways it's just gone too professional. In 10 years time it will just be ridiculously professional. You will not be able to go hunting, do anything.
"I think New Zealand rugby players are just good at turning up and playing rugby. Maybe we're not that good at being professionals."
Newby said he disliked poorly organised or irrelevant trainings, pool sessions, ice baths, no cold beer in the changing rooms, and healthy food in the changing rooms.
He said he did not mind television interviews straight after games but found it hard to answer stupid questions.
"When you've come off after losing and get asked 'are you disappointed to lose?', then what sort of question is that?"
Highlights with Otago included making the final of the national provincial championship in 2005, and playing and captaining against the British and Irish Lions.
For the Highlanders, court sessions were highlights.
In his first year, court sessions were held after every game.
This year the team had one.
He also rated wins over New South Wales in Sydney, with a man short, and beating the Cheetahs in Bloemfontein this year when down to 13 men at one stage.
Newby has made some good friends off the field, has celebrated milestones and enjoyed the travel.
"Travel helps you get away from the grind at home. And then you look forward to coming back home."
He played for the All Blacks three times, and said it was "huge" at the time.
He said the selectors' desire for a power game before last year's World Cup probably went against him, and if he was a bit younger he might still be in the national frame.
"Maybe if I was around now, with the way they are picking players who can follow a game plan."
He believed referees should not be allowed to talk during a game, so they could concentrate better, but conceded they were not helped by constant law changes.
"I think we do get the rough end of the stick at times. But you talk to opposing captains and it is just as much as a mystery to them on calls.
"The referee tells you before the game to come and see them if you have any problems."
Newby said he did that, and was often told to go away.
Newby is planning a hunting and fishing trip in Fiordland with mates before leaving to take up a three-year contract with Leicester Tigers in the English Midlands.
"I qualify as a British player through marriage. A few of the guys are saying that is the only reason I got married."
Newby said the monetary difference between staying and going was not huge, but he could save more through the British tax system.
"Really, I suppose if you had a pie graph on why I was going, a big portion would be just wanting a change. A chance to do something different, get out of Dunedin.
"I don't think we have too many games. But we have too many trainings."
Looking to the future, he said a career as a builder or even a police officer was an option.
He doubted he would play again in New Zealand, and said the loss of senior players was a blight on the game.
"When I started with Harbour we had guys like Walter Little, Liam Barry, Eric Rush, Slade McFarland.
"Those were the guys to learn from. The coach can't do it all. Now here, we have me and Tom Donnelly, and everyone else is from 0 to 35 games. Who do the new guys learn from?
"I would have liked to have won more games. It doesn't keep me awake at night, but everyone likes being successful."
