It is a word Dunedin Paralympian Anna Grimaldi uses a lot to describe her current state of mind.
But she is honest in saying it has taken a lot of soul-searching in the past year to get to that point, as she prepares for the World Para Athletics Championships getting under way in Paris tomorrow.
Grimaldi burst on to the long jump scene after winning bronze at the 2015 World Championships and soared to gold at the Rio Paralympics in 2016.
While many were cheering on the Otago athlete’s success, she struggled, feeling as though they were "accidental medals" and not deserving of them.
Then came her fourth place at the 2017 World Championships with a broken foot — "there was a huge possibility that I was not going to make it back to long jumping" — a silver in 2019, and her second Paralympic gold in 2021.
There have been many ups and downs, leading to her struggling mentally last year.
While those times had been tough, it had been equally rewarding to now come out the other side.
"Most of my career I’ve attached a lot of who I am to my medals, which I think led to that really challenging space last year, questioning whether I was good enough to continue," Grimaldi said.
"It wasn’t a great time, but I think now having done some work and tried to figure out who Anna is behind the medals, it’s been really lovely.
"It’s not surprised me. I think I knew that I was feeling, not trapped, but a little bit stuck in what I was doing.
"I feel really content and more certain in who I am and why I’m doing what I’m doing."
There have been many changes, including switching coaches from Brent Ward to Mikey Jacobs, and she "bit the bullet" and headed to Europe early with Paralympian Will Stedman to compete overseas.
They always talked about completing a European season together and Grimaldi competed in Switzerland, the United Kingdom and Germany before heading to pre-camp in France.
She had not jumped as far as she had hoped, but the trip was aimed to reinvigorate her love for the sport and practice being away from her coach.
They were the first competitions without restrictions she had been to in four years — "which, I mean, is nearly half of my career" — and travelling had always been an added bonus to competing she relished.
"This trip has shown me that there’s more to athletics than just training hard, that you’ve got to enjoy it too.
"I think I wasn’t enjoying it that much the last couple of years.
"This trip has already been successful regardless of what happens at world champs.
"It’s brought me so much joy, like the fun’s come back in it for me and I’m really content with where I’m at.
"If that doesn’t result in any sort of medal or anything next week, I think for me, as a person, not just as an athlete ... this trip has been incredibly successful."
Grimaldi is yet to win gold at the world championships and although some may say it has eluded her, she has a different outlook.
Medals were the "funniest goals", as she could not control how others would perform, but she would always leave her best in the pit.
"I’ve been in positions exactly where I’ve needed to be.
"Coming fourth in 2017 with a broken foot took me taught me more than winning gold in Rio did.
"Those experiences have all sort of led me to where I am now and if it’s the right time . . . it’ll happen.
"I don’t know how it’ll go. I’m feeling pretty content with where I’m at.
"If it’s not my time, it’s not my time — but I’m going to be giving it my best shot."
Winning medals was not the "be all, end all" for her — but it did still play its part.
"I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t a reason why I was doing it. It obviously is.
"I think this trip especially has taught me that there’s so much more to athletics than just winning medals and competing on the big stage.
"There’s so much more that drives me and makes me enjoy it."
Grimaldi is one of six New Zealand athletes, including fellow Dunedin Paralympian Holly Robinson, competing at the world championships.
Grimaldi competes in the 100m heat on Tuesday at 5am, with the final on Wednesday at 5am NZT.
Her long jump gets under way on July 16 at 7.20pm NZT.
