I realise golfers are highly skilled and incredibly patient, and I'm sure they earn every penny they win.
Unfortunately, the game doesn't interest me in the slightest.
However, this will be my third tour of duty at The Hills for the New Zealand Open and a realisation has dawned on me.
There appear to be a lot of people who buy a ticket to go to the Open - and don't watch any of it.
The Hills is the place to see and be seen but, if you're anything like me, it never hurts to be armed with a list of things to help keep you entertained, while you're waiting for the entertainment to start.
My brief was to find 18 things to do at The Hills if you're not going there to watch golf . . . but I cannot be held responsible if you actually take my advice, do any or all of these things, and end up in trouble with a certain golf course owner.
1. Golfing fashion is something to behold. A prime example is John Daly, whose recent effort was a visual symphony: a lemon yellow polo shirt and harlequin pants with the complementary colours of purple and yellow.
Daly has had more fashion disasters on the golf course than Britney Spears. His clothing is so bad it's almost good.
Take a sketch book and digital camera along to The Hills and use it as inspiration to create your own designs, inspired by golf.
2. For those of you who enjoy people watching, The Hills is even better than a supermarket car park.
Get there early, find a spot and park up for the afternoon with a glass of Central Otago's finest pinot noir and watch people.
3. The Hills is named appropriately. Start a time trial with your friends and see how fast you can walk around The Hills.
4. I have very clear memories of a high school camp I once went on. En route back to Southland Girls High School, our bus stopped near a steep hill and sacks mysteriously appeared.
We had sack races down a hill, which was covered in sheep excrement.
The benefit of doing this at The Hills is you are guaranteed not to have to deal with the sheep excrement . . . and I don't care who you are, you are never to old to release the inner child and have a sneaky sack race.
5. Along the same lines of sack racing is hill rolling. Curl yourself up into a ball and roll yourself to the bottom. Or, use a surfboard for that crowd-pleasing element.
Just be careful not to roll down a hill near a hole.
6. On my first tour of duty at The Hills, I lost my car. I parked it, entered the course area and then when it came time to go home, I realised I had no idea where my car was.
It dawned on me there would be no better place to play hide and seek than in The Hills car parking area. Or around the golf course.
Give your hiders a 100-count head start and there are hours of entertainment right there.
7. While we're still releasing our inner child, let's not forget about sand castle competitions.
The Hills normally establishes a sand pit - aimed at children. Go armed with a veritable tool box of sand castle structural building tools and spend the day seeing who can create the most extravagant sand castle.
8. Play The Hills version of Where's Wally. Dress a friend up in a Where's Wally ensemble (or dress them up like John Daly) and send them into the biggest crowd of golf followers you can find.
Points go to the person who can spot your Wally/Daly first.
9. Impersonate a golfer. Find the most retro-looking golf outfit you possibly can (again, channel John Daly for inspiration) and walk around with a friend dressed as a caddy, pulling your clubs.
See how many autographs you can sign and how many people you can convince you're famous.
10. On convincing people you're famous, why limit yourself to just golf? Pretend to be famous.
Not just well known, but really, really famous. Have your own entourage and strut around the course with your own security.
Tell people you're from an obscure country on the other side of the world and offer to sign autographs and pose for snapshots.
11. If you're going to pretend you're famous, then give some thought to pretending you're an up and coming famous person.
Bribe some friends to come along with you, give them a video camera and a microphone and tell everyone you're filming a reality TV show.
Bonus points if you can actually convince a journalist from a local newspaper you aren't joking and make it into the paper.
12. Still on impersonations, impersonating other people when they don't know you're doing it never grows old.
Walk behind them and mimic everything they do - the trick is not to get caught doing it as this may cause some embarrassment.
13. Commandeer a golf cart. Go incognito if you must by finding a Tiger Woods-styled cardboard face.
But remember, if you are going to impersonate Woods, you will also need a bevy of women dressed as cocktail waitresses chasing after you.
14. Have a ball hunt. Scour The Hills for stray balls and gather them - much like an Easter Egg hunt, but not quite as rewarding.
15. Position yourself at the sculpture park, pretend to be a statue and then scare people when they get close to marvel at how life-like the new "statues" are.
16. During the first Open at The Hills, I was tipped off that Justin Timberlake might have been at the course.
He hadn't been spotted and no-one told us he would be there - it was just a hunch because he likes golf.
Start a rumour someone famous is there and see how many people you can suck in.
You could even tell people said famous person is in a certain area and have a friend stationed at that area and see how many people turn up.
17. The Hills, like any other golf course, has water features. They look nice, golfers try not to hit their balls into them and that's about all they're good for.
Unless you go armed with rubber ducks.
Number your ducks and have duck race in a water feature, for no specific purpose other than your own entertainment.
18. I have this group of friends who are obsessed with Michael Jackson.
After Jackson died, these friends spent an entire afternoon watching Michael Jackson music videos and, after several liquid refreshments, decided to learn the Thriller dance.
They learned the entire dance and now, whenever that song comes on (or just when the mood strikes) they assemble, they pause and they bust out the dance as one cohesive unit.
My suggestion is choreograph your own group dance - inspired by golf - and then wait until the perfect time, when the most amount of people are milling around, and perform it.
