Umpires are not perfect.
They have to be better than that.
International umpire Chris Gaffaney takes perverse comfort out of that absurd idea.
It is his way of making peace with that all-too-real human condition: fallibility.
He is not perfect. He makes mistakes.
But he makes a lot fewer mistakes than almost every other umpire out there, and that is why he has risen to the top.
The 47-year-old former Otago top-order batter has been rewarded for a couple of stellar years with a dream appointment.
He has been selected as one of the match officials for the ICC World Test Championship final, to be played between Australia and India at The Oval starting tonight.
Gaffaney will join England umpire Richard Illingworth in the middle for test cricket’s biggest occasion.
Following that, he has been selected as an umpire for the first two Ashes tests. He will bring up his 50th game in the first.
Gaffaney’s former Otago team-mate, Brendon McCullum, is the coach of the England test team.
It will be quite an occasion for "just two blokes from Dunedin", Gaffaney said.
"I’m fizzing, actually," Gaffaney told the Otago Daily Times late last month, shortly after arriving back in the country from an umpiring stint in the IPL.
"I knew I’d had a couple of good years but to get a final, especially on the field, means that things have been going well.
"I’ve been fortunate enough that I’ve done a semifinal at a T20 World Cup and I was the third umpire last year in Australia for the [T20 World Cup] final.
"But to be on the field for the World Test Championship final is definitely the highlight in my career."
And how is he feeling?
"Nervous is probably not the right word. More excited.
"I look forward to getting over there because it is going to be a hell of a game between two unbelievable sides who are right at the peak of their powers.
"Obviously you have a job to do. But sometimes you just go ‘wow’ with what some of the guys and girls can do out there.
"You sit back sometimes and say ‘that is phenomenal, just phenomenal’."
What is not so phenomenal is how some fans react. People can become, well, a little unhinged when a decision does not go their way.
The internet is full of the sort of outrage usually reserved for people who kick kittens.
Gaffaney takes sensible precautions to shield himself from some of the worst humanity has to offer.
He is not on any of the social networks on which people often vent their frustrations.
It is not, he said, "a healthy platform for people in my position".
"They can love you when it is going well. But on the flip side of it, if something does not go well they certainly let you know about it."
It cannot be a comfortable place to be when you have broken a billion Indian hearts just by raising your index finger.
But Gaffaney has his own way of brushing off the criticism.
"My first umpire manager said to me ‘the players expect you to be perfect and get better as the game goes on’, but it just does not work like that.
"Once you realise that, and get a bit of experience behind you, and accept that you are going to get decisions wrong, then you can just get on with it and try and make the best decisions you can."
Umpiring is, in a way, a little like batting or bowling.
"Just like a player you’ve got to stick to your processes — whatever they are. It takes time to work out what works best for you.
"If you stick to that, whether you are going well or not, hopefully things will go as best as they can."
Gaffaney took up umpiring the summer after he retired as a player.
At the time, New Zealand Cricket had a fast-track programme in place to encourage former first-class players to pick up the clicker, so Gaffaney ended up making his first-class umpiring debut towards the end of his first season in 2007-08.
He progressed quickly. He made his international debut in Hamilton in 2010.
The Black Caps dispatched Bangladesh by 10 wickets. But Gaffaney remembers his second game more fondly.
We all do. McCullum pummelled 116 against Australia in Christchurch. But the T20 was all locked up, 214 runs apiece, and had to be decided by a super over, which the home side won.
An ODI debut followed in September that year and he was appointed to his first test in 2014.
To stay on the elite panel you have to put in consistent performances, and he is very proud of his efforts.
Performance reviews are conducted after every game and the findings can either be affirming or a little humbling. It sounds ruthless, but Gaffaney said that is the way it should be.
"It is not cut-throat, but you’ve definitely got to perform. Like the players, if you are not performing you’re going to be replaced and it should be like that as well — it is international cricket.
"You’re not there just for the lunch — you’ve got to put in a performance."
You end up making a lot of sacrifices to get to the top, and those close to you make compromises as well.
Gaffaney’s wife, Sarah, has had to carry an extra load while he is away working. The couple have four children: Max (18), Molly (16), Rosie (14) and Samuel (12).
"I think Sarah has a tougher job than I have, trying to keep four kids and keep the house running. You’ve got to have someone awesome behind you to keep everything ticking over.
"She has had to be a solo parent for a lot of that and had done an awesome job."
It is hard to be away from home, he said. No job is perfect.
But he gets to watch cricket from the best spot there is. You cannot get better than that.
