Sunday, March 22
I put on trousers people like. Realise belt has to be pulled in another notch . . . and is not inherently uncomfortable.
Wonder if belt has just stretched . . . belt is six years old after all.
Receive call from Mark Wilson. Says I have not yet made an appointment with The Scales.
Am well aware I have not made this appointment.
Fully intend to put off this appointment with the scales for as long as possible.
Monday, March 23
5.20am: Alarm goes off. Butterflies in stomach.
Today is my day of retribution.
Today I will conquer boot camp.
After today all that remains is The Scales. Yuck.
5.45am: Mentally going through what I've got to go through.
Tell myself I can do it . . . even the run.
Ran WAY further than 1.2km last Monday going up and down double hills.
Six hundred metres along a river track and back will be nothing compared to that.
Pop two vitamin B pills just in case.
6am: O'Callaghans Park.
Simon Wilson and Julia Challenor are waiting.
Just three others turned out for fitness testing. . . the rest of the Arrowtown Boot Campers had better have good excuses.
It is frosty. Actually ask if I can keep running a wee bit longer to try and warm up (perhaps vitamin B pills are already taking effect). We start with push-ups (get the nastiest one over and done with).
Apparently I look "hot" doing push-ups. Am actually completely the opposite.
Prone hold. I still hate that.
Sit-ups. Manage to go for a minute and do not feel like I can never straighten out again at the end.
Standing jump did not go as planned.
Publicly blame the frost.
Actually, hurt my tailbone.
Then the run.
Sheena Haywood gives me headlamp. This did not help much.
Was very dark.
Could really only see my breath, illuminated by headlamp.
Made to run the river track. Treacherous.
Got heebie-jeebies again after boot campers insisted on revisiting the little Tobin ghost story.
Was not happy.
Seemed to take a very long time to get to the marker to turn around.
Aided in part by a small detour . . . got a little lost.
Thought little Tobin ghost had found us at one point - and grown about 150cm and changed sex - when almost ran directly into a man running at us, without any lighting.
Said bad word.
Ran faster to get back to safety.
You may note, I used the word "run", not "shuffle".
Even by my standards, my style was closer to an actual run than previous shuffling style.
8am: Bust out clean jeans.
Do not need to do squats.
Am hesitant to say this is due to boot camp. Jeans very old and wonder if maybe they've just ceased to shrink.
Also wear jacket have not worn since the beginning of boot camp.
Looks more roomy. Unfortunately, cannot remember it ever being very tight.
1.15pm: In office.
Email received: Fitness Test results . . . keep reading.
Tuesday, March 24
11.43am: Mark Wilson calls. Threatens to bring scales and measuring tape into my office. Immediately decide against this course of action.
Can picture colleagues gathered in my office peering at numbers on scales and measuring tape. Decide this would be neither appropriate nor amusing (for me anyway).
Reluctantly make appointment.
Tomorrow.
Am asked if I would like to sign up for the next boot camp - winter sports conditioning. Reply this would be a bit of a joke, seeing as I don't do winter sports.
Also am out of the country when it starts . . . another good excuse.
5.24pm: Realise tomorrow night I can eat my world-famous-in-my-flat lasagne . . . there is a light at the end of this tunnel and it's coming from our oven. Only one more night of rabbit cuisine until I can eat cheese and pasta and not feel bad.
Wednesday, March 25
7am: Alarm goes off.
First time in five weeks my alarm has not gone off at 5.30am on a Wednesday.
Am happy.
8am: Happiness gone.
Realise there is a price to pay for a little sleep in.
The Scales.
Search wardrobe to find the lightest clothes I own just to give myself a fighting chance.
11.13am: Stomach in knots.
Have just over an hour until I go to that evil room where equipment waits to weigh me and tell me how much fat is still in my body and a tape measure waiting to be wrapped around me.
There will also be people there waiting to yell out numbers across a room and plunge me into a state of mortification . . . again.
I know Mark Wilson said it was more important to do well in the fitness test.
I have news for him. I'm a girl.
The other numbers do actually matter to us.
11.34am: Receiving well-wishing texts and emails from friends who appreciate what I'm going through.
One friend tells me I shall be fine and it's apparent I've lost weight because of my belt . . . haven't the heart to tell friend the belt is 6-years-old.
Several butterflies have taken up residence in my stomach.
11.52am: Forty-eight minutes to go.
Butterflies breeding.
12.26pm: Hands actually clammy. Feeling of dread I had before the inaugural weigh-in is insignificant compared to this moment.
12.40pm: In boot camp office. Braden Lee grinning like Cheshire cat.
Already whipping that measuring tape around. Try to express how badly I do not want to get on those scales. No-one seems to care.
Remove woollen jumper just to help me out.
12.44pm: Standing on scales.
Do not want to look.
Cannot help but look.
Numbers start popping up.
"Holy [bad word]" flies from my mouth.
Another number comes up.
"Holy [another bad word]" thrown across the room.
Am then measured.
Cannot breathe. Receive Boot Camp T-shirt . . . understand this means I have officially graduated . . Hallelujah!
Postscript.
So, there you have it.
My battle with boot camp is officially over. And I won.
I will freely admit I have possibly been the single worst walking advertisement New Zealand Boot Camp Systems could have had.
I have done nothing but whinge and moan both in print and in person about the five weeks of training.
I have complained about my aching muscles, the rabbit cuisine and those nasty, horrible trainers who forced me to do things my body didn't want to do . . . and I'm not going to apologise, because I know you all got perverse pleasure in reading about how much pain I was in.
I wasn't lying about any of it by the way - everything you read (as unbelievable as some of it may have been) actually happened.
Now, I'm going to let you in on a little secret . . . the other things that happened.
I found energy I didn't know I had - most of the time I was too sore to actually use that energy in a productive way, but the aching muscles are not a permanent thing and they are a very small price to pay for finding enthusiasm for life.
My stress levels have reduced out of sight.
I am happier (stop laughing).
I am more productive at work and have a better attitude . . .
I think . . . most of the time.
I am healthier (judging by the fact almost everyone in our office during the past five weeks has gone down with the lurgi, some more than once and I haven't even had a sniffle).
I look healthier (apparently).
My eating habits have improved.
I drink water.
I sleep . . . and it is glorious.
I want to exercise (unbelievable, but true).
And I know I can do this on my own and I am determined not to stop just because Mark Wilson, Julia Challenor and Braden Lee aren't watching my every move.
To the boot camp team - particularly Jules Mark, thank you.
Thank you for letting me write terrible, nasty things about you and laughing at them; for making me do things I didn't want to do; for putting up with my complaining; and for helping me become one of those fit(ish) people I hate.
To my Arrowtown Boot Camp buddies, thank you for picking me up, keeping me going and harassing me for the ONE day I didn't make it to training.
And to anyone thinking they could never do a boot camp and finding any and every excuse to avoid it, here's a little piece of advice:As someone who started this process with zero fitness, had not put on her running shoes in about five years and couldn't even do one full push-up, the hardest thing about boot camp is signing up to for it.
All I need now is for Mark Wilson to publicly retract his comment about me being lazy . . . and yes, that is a hint.
• Registrations are open for the next New Zealand Boot Camp Systems programme, targeting winter sports conditioning, which runs from April 27 to June 8.
Visit www.bootcamps.co.nz or email info@bootcamps.co.nz.
