For five years, Otago Daily Times and Queenstown Times bureau chief Tracey Roxburgh (aka Troxy) has actively avoided embracing her inner snow bunny and steadfastly refused to learn to ski. That's about to change. Today Troxy will have her first skiing lesson at The Remarkables... for those planning to be on the mountain today, consider this a warning.
Kristy Norton from Southern PR stalked me until I gave in.
Actually, she bullied me until I gave up and finally agreed to head up a mountain and embarrass myself on a skifield.
The final straw was an email with the subject: "I've got five words for you".
The following text:
"TRACEY'S SKI LESSONS AT REMARKS, here's one more, WHEN?"
I had two words for Kristy, but restrained myself.
My hands began to shake and a nauseous feeling came over me.
I asked Kristy if she was certain I had to go to the Remarkables ... I felt far more comfortable at Coronet Peak.
Her response: "YES!!" (I took it from her writing entirely in capital letters she was actually shouting at me via email).
I tell her I am scared of The Remarkables.
Kristy is a lovely lady but she is not going to budge.
She emails me that it is the "most divine, gentle mountain for learners".
Apparently a bus will drop me off at the magic carpet, which will take me to the door of The Remarkables base building.
I'll bet the magic carpet doesn't have a hand rail ... odds on me hurting myself before I get to the base building? High.
A feeling of overwhelming anxiousness has taken over my body.
I don't like it.
After finally sending Kristy a four-worded email in response - "If I have to ..." - I get another email from her (I am beginning to dread opening these).
Entitled "Lesson 1" I am informed my "Starter Pack" begins at 8am on Monday.
I'm sorry, what now? 8Am? It's my day off. I am already unimpressed. Do these snow-type people not understand the value of a sleep in?
Apparently I will be subjected to two 90-minute torture session and by the end of today I will have learned "to slide with confidence whilst having fun".
Today, I will also learn the "basic skills" - these include "staying upright" and "stopping".
I do believe NZSki just threw down the gauntlet.
I am also told to wear my warm snow gear from head to toe and I have to bring my own gloves, beanie and goggles.
I am contemplating switching a beanie for a cycle helmet (more protection).
I send Kristy an email seeking answers to some of my questions (these included what to do with my handbag and what if I need to use the bathroom during my lesson).
There were 10 questions in total - Kristy replies she cannot possibly answer my questions until she stops laughing. I am happy she finds me amusing.
There is nothing I find amusing about what I am being forced to do today.
I think I've done remarkably well to have lived in this town for five years and not once strapped on a pair of skis or a snowboard.
Over the years I have been left speechless by what can only be described as horror stories resulting from "incidents" on the mountain.
Snapped Achilles, broken tailbones, broken shoulders, broken arms, broken wrists, concussions, black eyes, split heads, sprained everythings and, possibly the worst, the story of a woman who received a haematoma in a place a lady never wants a haematoma.
The only thing I've ever embraced about the ski season is the "apres-ski", which takes the form of mulled wine being consumed from the comfort - and warmth - of my lounge.
But, after five years of trying, NZSki and the good ladies at Southern PR have finally worn me down.
There are several people at NZSki who are delighted I will be on their mountain - a certain chief executive has promised to be there with a camera to capture the experience (and buy me a drink afterwards - there are some things, Mr Coddington, I do not forget) while others I speak to make valiant attempts not to laugh at the thought of me on skis.
Others just laugh.
I did want to learn to board (I always thought boarders looked a bit cooler, actually), but I've been told for one so accident-prone as myself this is not the best idea because apparently broken wrists are fairly common.
So, skiing it is, where the most common ailment is a less cumbersome Achilles or knee (nothing that would keep me from work).
Am haunted by visions of me either losing my balance, breaking things and losing every ounce of dignity I have left; losing my balance and breaking someone else; or having a Bridget Jones moment and careering down the ski field, screaming, with no control and no ability to stop.
If you see an ambulance with lights and sirens going up or down The Remarkables today, please let it past. It's likely rescuing me.
• Footnote: This skiing lesson was organised before a severe weather warning, bringing snow to low levels. For the first time Troxy was excited about the prospect. It may mean today's lesson is cancelled.
