Despite eight years of emotional, psychological and physical abuse Sarah - not her real name - lived in a state of "perpetual hope" that things would get better.
She was wrong. After suffering from broken teeth, split lips, a suspected dislocated shoulder, cuts, bruises and bumps, Sarah finally had enough after discovering her partner had been unfaithful. The other woman, she says, "saved my life". In the next of our series on abuse, Otago Daily Times and Queenstown Times bureau chief Tracey Roxburgh talks to Sarah about surviving physical abuse.
The memories of the last two beatings are particularly vivid for Sarah.
In one, she was "blind-sided".
Struck with her ex-partner's elbow to the side of her face, with such force it split her lip and broke a tooth.
"I didn't see that coming."
However, the last one was more prolonged and more public.
"It was because I was talking to a man at a friend's birthday party ... he [her ex-partner] decided that I was a pretty horrible person and cheating on him.
"He took me outside and dealt to me big time.
"I managed to get myself ... to the road and I became a hitchhiker at 2am and got a ride with a woman - and to this day I don't know who she was - and found my way home.
When he returned home he "spent the next six hours threatening me and yelling and screaming".
Sarah did not go to the hospital or see a doctor.
She was "sore all over" and had cuts, bruises and a suspected dislocated shoulder, but she and the couple's young son stayed with the man for another four months before finally feeling safe enough to leave after eight years "of what people might call a living hell".
When the couple met, Sarah was taken with the man she described as "very charming".
"If you saw him, you'd probably find him quite attractive ... that's all I looked at.
"I'm a person who likes to help, to make a difference.
"He was damaged and I thought I could help.
"I did care very much about him - I had a child with him - I just kept thinking `Just stick it out, you've got all of those bonds and ties, maybe things will get better'.
"Then there's that one thing ... you don't know what it is until it turns up, but it's the deal breaker."
A year into the relationship Sarah noticed what she describes as "deep-seated insecurity issues".
He made constant phone calls and text messages checking on her whereabouts and she "was only ever allowed out for short periods of time".
If she returned late she had to be ready with an explanation and proof.
With a low tolerance to stress or frustration, the man started "exploring" physical abuse initially by "pointing me in my shoulder, almost like a shove".
Throughout Sarah's pregnancy her partner was "fully uninterested", constantly away and only returning to "pop in and say hi".
"By the time I was eight months [pregnant] he felt the need to tell me I was fat and ugly and unattractive and [he had] started hanging out with another woman.
"As the years rolled by, frustrations of adult responsibilities - making money, paying bills, getting on with life - the attacks became more violent.
"Even the verbal threats became more explicit. It constantly escalated, no matter what I did."
Two years ago, his mother asked if Sarah was "OK" and questioned if he was hurting her.
"She took me by surprise and ... I started to think it might be time to start talking about some things."
Sarah told his mother her story.
"She was very disbelieving. There was no way her precious son could do that to me, [and she said] it must be my fault.
"It wasn't long after that other things started happening ... In the end he threatened me and said he was going to kill me if I ever left him - he stated that in front of two other people at work.
"That was when I thought `I'm going to have to get help and find a way out'."
Initially, Sarah contacted a women's counselling service, before going to Jigsaw Central Lakes, formerly Wakatipu Abuse Prevention Network.
"They took me through a programme and opened my eyes.
"It took me a while to assimilate all of that information, but in hindsight that was the true catalyst for leaving him."
"I've had full-on counselling to come to terms with why, what I was thinking - I have been told to my face 'you must be stupid to stay in a situation like that', but it's one of those things that's really hard to explain.
"I was ... embarrassed [to tell people]."
Discovering the affair between her then-partner and another woman was "the best thing that ever happened", she said.
"I had my support team - my family, the Abuse Prevention Network, the police, they were all on board.
"I packed up my things and I left. Now I have a trespass order."
Sarah is now "in a relationship with myself" and is finally happy, learning to appreciate who she is and what she wants.
And, she says, while it's easy and a natural instinct to tell others suffering from physical violence to leave their partners "that's the worst thing you could beg them to do".
"When I think back to the best advice ... information works really well for people in that situation.
"I think ... we all deserve to be treated with respect ... and we all deserve to expect equality in a relationship.
"For anyone reading these articles ... letting them know that they're not alone and that there is an amazing array of help, if and when you're ready to reach out ... [is important].
"There are some really great programmes, great people and great counsellors available.
"It's just not OK. It's not."
PHYSICAL ABUSE - THE SIGNS
A victim of physical abuse is extraordinarily good at covering up the evidence, but there are things you can look for if you suspect someone might need help.
Jigsaw Central Lakes Otago Te Rito co-ordinator Philippa Winter says often victims will wear sunglasses all the time to cover up black eyes.
They might dress inappropriately for the weather; for example, wearing long sleeves and scarves around their neck with long pants on a very hot day.
They may wear more clothing than usual, covering all of their bodies.
Victims often suffer hair loss and sometimes they wear more make-up than usual to cover bruising.
They may also try to explain bruising before anyone asks what they've done to themselves - and it's common to make excuses: "I ran into the door", "I tripped over" or "I tripped on a child's toy".
However, there are other signs to look out for, Mrs Winter says. If you notice a person becoming isolated and refusing to socialise, withdrawing from family and friends, then maybe you should start talking to them.
HELP'S AT HAND
Jigsaw Central Lakes 0508 440 255
Victim Support (03) 441-1608
Salvation Army (03) 442-5103
