"You told me it’s good to be different and you shouldn’t care what people think about you, Mum."
Wise words thrown back at me from my 8-year-old Fin on Thursday morning, as I frantically scrubbed the caked mud off his football boots from the week before.
He’s a bit too smart for his own good sometimes, my kid.
But we have been talking a lot about being comfortable being yourself lately. Fin’s got long hair, just like his dad, but like his dad he’s the only boy he knows with long hair.
He loves it, reckons it’s rock’n’roll like their idol Dave Grohl. But every now and then he’ll be teased, especially when he’s with a new group of people — kids and sometimes adults, I’m disappointed to reveal.
So we have a lot of conversations about whose opinion counts. In this case though he had an additional lesson on the fine line between being an individual and showing respect for others through how you present yourself.
It’s one thing to be independent and proudly different, it’s another not to know the difference between that and outright disrespectful arrogance.
"What does it say to your team about how much you care if you can’t be bothered to even turn up clean and tidy? When you make an effort it shows you care".
Explaining the intricacies of how to non-conform in a conforming way to an 8-year-old is really quite tricky. I think we both walked away confused.
And unfortunately the lesson of cleaning his own damn shoes was for another day, as we were going to be late for school for the third time that week if we didn’t hustle.
I have been mulling over this conversation since though, reflecting on a number of "dishevelled" or underdressed individuals who have attended events I’ve been at.
Words like decorum and manners and appropriate and self-respect pop into my head. How awful — I sound like a conservative old woman.
But it’s an interesting topic — I’ve always been taught you can’t ever offend someone by overdressing for an occasion.
The key word in there is "offend". The concept that how you present yourself at someone else’s invitation used to be a strong message about your level of respect for them. It wasn’t about yourself.
So what is the dress code these days and where are the lines? In an increasingly casual and diverse world and with a plethora of social media influencers, what is decorum these days?
When can you wear a hoodie and jeans to a work meeting? For example, we work in a workshop, but if you turn up to an interview with me in casual gear, I’m not going to give you a job. I had a work experience student turn up underdressed once and I sent him home to change.
I attend a lot of conferences. They tend to be really formal — especially in the defence industry, where full dress uniform is standard.
So after one disastrous underdressed appearance I got myself a standard grey pant suit. It’s so awfully not me. I wore it for a year and have now found a way to retain my own style, yet meet the requirements of the dress code.
Usually it involves wearing clothes from Dunedin or New Zealand designers, or often op-shop finds, which make a great talking point too — different, but good different.
What about the people that turn up to black tie events in jeans and sneakers, in a blatant effort to appear like they haven’t made an effort? They irk me.
I’ve come across this devil-may-care arrogant attitude a few times at corporate events and student career days this year. People doing it have a weird "bite me" attitude radiating off them.
Maybe some people think it’s cool — the underdressed themselves clearly do — but I think it just makes such a person look like a bit of a dick who doesn’t care about offending the people hosting them.
At a recent careers expo at the Dunedin Town Hall we had 800 high school students come through. Presentation ranged from exceptional, to looking like they had slept in their uniforms all week. One kid had coloured hair, but an immaculate uniform. More power to them — that’s awesome. I respect their individuality and appreciate the effort.
On the whole I’d say 80% of the students were really engaged and well presented. The engagement is another point: one boy lay with his head in his hands right next to me making disruptive jokes through his group’s session.
Seriously, I never ever would have dreamed of being so outright rude to an adult who has volunteered their time to be there. If I’m at an event and I’m bored, I suck it up and try to look interested and nod my head at the appropriate times.
Sure I liked a bit of banter with my teachers, but I don’t believe I was ever outright disrespectful to them unless they started it first.
It’s not just kids either. You go to any corporate event and there’ll be a few folks who tune out and play on their phones, or talk through a speech. It’s the ultimate insult to the poor person giving the speech, and yes I’ve been that person. It sucks.
I’m all about self-expression, but you can do it without being a dick. Have fun with it, be different, wear the sparkly jacket, get some outrageous shoes, support a local designer, or make your own, put together an immaculate op-shop ensemble (some of my most complimented outfits are second-hand).
And finally, when you see someone putting themselves out there don’t be afraid to give them a compliment — the more we reward individuality, the more it will become the norm.
• Sarah Ramsay is chief executive of United Machinists.
