"What are you talking about? Did you overdo the juice at the Christmas party?"
"Come, come, Prime Minister. That’s not our style. While the MPs were slurping away on taxpayer-funded grog, your re-election team have been on the job. Give Labour Another Go is on the case. GLAG will not rest until election day when you will emerge triumphant."
"Aren’t you forgetting the polls?"
"Polls! Schmolls! You know very well that polls mean nothing, Prime Minister. You know that Hitler didn’t even cause a blip in the polls in 1928 and look how well he did just a few years later. Just keep up the good work."
"What do you mean, good work?"
"‘Arrogant prick’ is what we mean, Prime Minister. Brilliant!"
"That was an unfortunate comment for which I’ve apologised. I didn’t realise the mic was on."
"Come, come, Prime Minister. I find that hard to believe. You used to be a disc jockey. Surely, you know to always treat any microphone as live. Aaron Finch didn’t and look what happened to him."
"Who’s he?"
"Used to be captain of the Australian T20 cricket side until a couple of months ago when the umpires were too slow over a replay decision and the stump mic picked up his ‘would have been f ...... nice to know inside 15 f ...... seconds"’.
"I never use that language."
"Of course not, Prime Minister. But sledging is the way to go. Just like you did with that Seymour character. And there are bigger fish to fry. What about Luxon? We’ve drawn up a collection of bald man jokes for you. There are some beauties. Like to hear them?"
"Definitely not! Mr Luxon’s hair, or lack of it, is nothing to do with politics."
"OK, forget Baldie. But abuse is the way to go. As you’ve proved with ‘arrogant prick’, the best plan is to go hard, and go early. Those are your very words."
"Don’t be ridiculous. That’s what I said almost three years ago and it was about protecting the nation’s health, not about winning an election. If you want to quote me, may I remind you of my statement when I became prime minister? ‘I know I need to transcend politics in the way that I govern for this next term of Parliament but I also want this government to feel different, I want people to feel that it’s open, that it’s listening and that it’s going to bring kindness back.’ That’s my style. I raised kindness because there’s an assumption it has no place in politics. It has, and no-one ever won an election with abusive one-liners."
"I beg to differ, Prime Minister. You are too young to remember, of course, but what about Muldoon before the 1975 election? He said Labour prime minister Bill Rowling ‘had cold shivers running round his body looking for a spine to run up’. A few months later Muldoon was prime minister in a landslide."
"Be that as it may, I’m not Robert Muldoon, I’m happy to say. That’s the National Party style. Playing the man and not the ball."
"Really? Well, what about Labour man David Lange when Muldoon got himself a knighthood. ‘After a very long year we’ve got a very short knight.’ Six months later Muldoon was out and Lange was prime minister. Can’t argue with facts like that."
"Rubbish. If you think abusing opposition MPs will win us the election you are sadly out of touch."
"Oh, dear. We had hoped you would keep up the sledging. You’ll leap up the polls. You’ll be impregnable!"
"Ridiculous. Everyone thinks that means unable to be made pregnant and I’ve already had one child. Please don’t use that word again."
"Very well, Prime Minister. But that reminds me of the other part of our Give Labour Another Go scheme. Ever thought of another cute child? Not forgetting a wedding. Maybe about Easter. Married and expecting another child! The perfect package! I can see the headline now — ‘Jacinda Delivers Bouncing Baby and Labour Landslide. Parents and Party Both Well!"’
"Look, in all kindness I have to say I appreciate the work you are all doing at GLAG, but I just don’t agree with your approach to winning elections. It’s about policy. Health. Education. Housing. Have you forgotten that?"
"Of course not, Prime Minister. But no government ever gets that stuff right. Voters want emotion. Babies, weddings, slanging matches and with younger voters coming on, maybe rapping and breakdancing by candidates. What do you say?"
"I say, again with kindness — you pricks are all fired!"
- Jim Sullivan is a Patearoa writer
