Through the medium of a local medium, I have managed to acquire from the future the minutes of the first meeting of the government’s new Ferry Company Board.
Present: Rt. Hon. Winston Peters, Minister of Rail (chairman); four mates of his (the other one was unavailable).
Absent: Any and all experts in ports, ferries, Cook Strait, and the weather.
Attending: Mr Minder from the office of Grand Vizier Nicola.
The chairman welcomed board members and announced there would be a full and frank discussion of all the options excluding those he didn’t like, especially if they had been suggested by the media.
Previous ferry arrangements.
The cost of cancelling the order for two ferries is $300 million. Mr Minder said this could be disregarded, as the money would be found separately ... from somewhere ... anywhere. Maybe from the sale of the government’s shares in Kiwibank to Jeff Bezos, or offering climate refuge to Elon Musk?
After a short period of silence, it was agreed that Mr Musk should be contacted at Mar-a-Lago. The question was raised as to whether the one to make contact should be the PM. The chairman asked, who?
Port facilities.
The matter of renovating or replacing existing facilities in Wellington and Picton was discussed.
Mr Minder sincerely regretted that there was insufficient budget to do both. It was agreed to replace the facilities at Wellington, and that rowing boats could be used for passengers to disembark in Picton.
First Mate (not a nautical description) asked where Picton was. Second Mate said he thought it was somewhere in the South Island, probably near Dunedin. Third Mate said wasn’t that where they want a new hospital? Mr Minder was heard giggling.
The chairman called for order and asked about the feasibility of fitting trucks on to rowing boats, and it was agreed this should be explored. Perhaps very small trucks could be used.
New ferries.
First Mate proposed raising HMNZS Manawanui from the seabed off Samoa. The chair suggested this would be a coup for his diplomatic efforts in the Pacific, but Mr Minder said enough money had already been sunk in this.
Second Mate mentioned that King Xerxes marched his army across the Hellespont in 480BC on a bridge created by lashing boats side-by-side. The chairman was heard to mutter "smartarse". It was calculated that to repeat this across Cook Strait would require 25,000 P-class yachts, which at a cost of about $4000 each would come to only $100m.
Mr Minder gave a little gulp of pleasure.
Furthermore, this would not require new port facilities at either end since trucks could simply drive on and drive off. Third Mate suggested the rowing boats earmarked for Picton in the other proposal could be used for passengers to row themselves across the Strait.
Following a break for the chairman to have a smoke the chairman asked whether trains could use the bridge as well as trucks? As Minister for Rail, wouldn’t a rail-less option make him look foolish? After a shortish period of silence it was agreed that the bridge would include rail.
Fourth Mate offered to contribute his Hornby train set to help out. Mr Minder made a note of this.
It was agreed to form subcommittees, with power to appoint management consultants, to further explore two options: rowing-boats at Picton, and a Cook Strait bridge of P-class yachts.
Mr Minder suggested including a very silly third proposal, to buy two new ferries for $1.6b. This could then be rejected, to prove how much money would be saved by selecting one of the other two proposals. This was unanimously agreed.
The subcommittees will be asked to report back in July 2029, if convenient.
The chairman thanked the board members for their attendance and for agreeing with him. Mr Minder thanked the chairman for his inspiring leadership and presented him with a handy pocket mirror.
— John Drummond is an Emeritus Professor at the University of Otago.
