Before the credit crunch, I had hoped my latest behavioural research might get off the ground in the New Year.
Since research funders are now unlikely to throw dosh in my direction, in the generous spirit of the festive season, I have decided to give you the tools (excuse the researchspeak, but authenticity is important) for you to conduct your own study.
Unfortunately, it involves the fridge.
I know at this time of year it is hard to approach that piece of whiteware with any enthusiasm (unless you have just added to your own economic crisis by splashing out on a new one in a fit of Boxing Day delusion).
Is there likely to be any food in it or will it be a choice between shrivelled vegetables, dodgy cream, the never-ending Christmas ham, and half a bottle of now un-bubbly?
Whatever is lurking there you will feel obliged to eat, confusing waste not with waist not.
But by concentrating on the contents of the fridge instead of its outer appearance, we are missing much.
If we spent a little time analysing what is on the fridge door we would know ourselves so well we would never have to waste time with a spurious New Year's resolution again.
To give you a little assistance, I have helpfully done a stock-take of what is on my battered Prestcold model (circa 1979) and drawn a few conclusions.
This fridge owner struggles with her body image.
Evidence: A magnet showing motorway signs reading Fat people who think they're skinny and Skinny people who think they're fat.
Two pencil drawings of her dated June 2002 by a niece revealing her to be a fat circular shape with very thin limbs.
Two Barbie dolls with a variety of clothing and wig changes.
This fridge owner may have difficulty living in the present.
Evidence: A Milkogram from Meadowfresh stating, among other things, that a 600ml glass bottle of whole, standard or trim milk will be 95c from Monday 23 April (no year stated).
A picture of her son with a girlfriend from at least 10 years ago.
Various lists of phone numbers no longer relevant.
February 2005 library receipt.
Two magnets showing Bayfield High School term dates for 2005.
Perhaps the person who gave her the puke-making magnet (apologies for both the departure from any attempt at formal language and to the gift giver) which says "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why it's called the present", understood her problems in this area.
This fridge owner is not good at taking advice.
Evidence: B Ready magnet (which could also fit above category) issued by the Y2K Readiness Commission which says to be prepared for Y2K make sure you have three days' supply of the following items stored in your home.
Questioning reveals she took no notice of it, claiming some of the items on the list made no sense.
How was she supposed to work out what was three days' supply of a bucket, for instance? Also a clearly ignored magnet from Cecily advising she needed the constraints of a shopping list.
This fridge owner finds it hard to get rid of useless things and may be prone to bouts of sentimentality.
Evidence: All of the above plus surfboard magnet made by one of her sons which has driven her nuts since it appeared on the fridge about 12 years ago.
It spends most of its time falling off and has the scars to prove it.
This fridge owner often finds life mysterious.
Evidence: She does not know why there are three apple stickers, all different varieties, on the door.
Are their numbers, 4173, 4200 and 4194 significant?
Nor does she know why somebody wrote on the ASB (Westland region) pad with permanent marker d= on and s=off and, if it was so important, what has she missed by not knowing?
Does it have anything to do with the rather scratchy magnet of what appears to be George Jetson, flying nowhere, near the bottom of the door?
This fridge owner is easily confused.
Evidence: She mistook the Earthquake Commission's magnet boldly headed "Natural Disaster" as a description of the fridge's contents.
This fridge owner is a sloven.
Evidence: All of the above and the fact that the few bits of the fridge not covered by useless magnets, stickers and pieces of paper are adorned with grubby fingerprints or scruffy old Sellotape.
Having carried out your self-analysis, what next? You could have a metaphorical cleansing by stripping the fridge of its paraphernalia, vowing to be less screwed-up and more meticulous in 2009.
Or you could gently open the door and head for the un-bubbly.
It will yield its cork with no hint of a judgemental hiss.
As you toast yourself you can accept that nothing much is going to change tomorrow, except the date.
Elspeth McLean is a Dunedin writer.
