I know a few things about swimming.
I know Danyon Loader was our greatest swimmer and the late Duncan Laing was our greatest swimming coach.
I know the way to teach a kid to swim is NOT to ask them to swim a length, note their hopelessness, then banish them to the learners' pool to dive for pegs.
And I know there is something wrong when a completely unknown German knocks a whole second off a record set barely a year earlier by the greatest swimmer in Olympic history.
Once upon a time, the words "unknown German" and "record" in the same sentence would have suggested one thing: drugs. Good, cheap, body-altering, performance-enhancing drugs. Candy for East Germans.
But doping is so 1980s. The in thing is swimsuits - big, buoyant swimsuits that turn decent swimmers into champions and completely destroy the integrity of the sport.
I'm totally with my friend, the great Michael Phelps, who has urged governing body Fina to sort out this unholy mess, to recognise that having swimmers compete in what are basically streamlined lifejackets is nothing but dumb.
• Another one that got away?
Owen Franks starts his first test for the All Blacks tomorrow morning, marking an extraordinary rise for the young Crusaders prop.
But I wonder how many realise he once looked set to make his mark in Otago.
On October 14, 2006, the Otago Daily Times reported Otago had signed two players from Canterbury, midfield back Aaron Bancroft and New Zealand Under-19 prop Owen Franks.
Bancroft is still around but Franks? Well, we're still waiting.
Did the ORFU announce the Franks signing prematurely? Did he backtrack?
• The four-letter team
The Last Word had a healthy response to its challenge of naming an All Black XV containing only players with surnames exactly four letters long.
Special mention has to be made of Arrowtown rugby player Reece Winter, who killed time (or buried nerves) the day of the Central Otago club final by nutting out his starting line-up.
Here's a possible four-letter All Black team, with back-ups in parentheses.-
Cory Jane, John Timu (Rico Gear, Ray Bell, Brian Ford), Regan King, Ma'a Nonu (Phil Gard), Jonah Lomu (Hosea Gear, Eric Rush, Malcolm Dick), Eddie Dunn (Laurie Haig, David Hill), David Kirk (Jimmy Haig), Arran Pene (Isitolo Maka, Andy Earl, Xavier Rush), Mark Shaw, Kieran Read (Dylan Mika), Chris Jack (Isaac Ross, Jock Ross), Tiny Hill (James Ryan, Bob Duff), John Afoa (Ken Gray), Andrew Hore (Hika Reid, Graham Dowd), Craig Dowd (Billy Bush).
Spot the high number (five) of players from the present squad. And the two positions (centre and openside flanker) that are thin.
• Sporting comebacks...
Thousands of Germans and motorsport fans and at least one Otago Daily Times colleague will be overjoyed at Michael Schumacher's decision to return to Formula 1 - temporarily - to replace the injured Felipe Massa at Ferrari.
Schumacher was an awesome force in his pomp and you would write off the greatest F1 driver in history at your peril. But how many sporting comebacks end well?
• ... tend to end badly
There was Muhammad Ali, who floated like an elephant and stung like a drugged pussycat when he came out of retirement and was whipped back-to-back by Larry Holmes and, er, Trevor Berbick.
Another great pugilist, Joe Louis, also got back into the ring past his time. Needing to clear debts, he was thrown to the lion known as Rocky Marciano, was knocked out and retired again.
Michael Jordan was the best basketball player ever but did nothing for his legacy or his creaky knees when he un-retired to play for the Washington Wizards.
Legendary swimmer Mark Spitz made the crucial mistake of both attempting a comeback AND shaving his moustache when he trialled and missed the American team in 1992, 20 years after his seven gold medals in Munich.
And Bjorn Borg, after retiring at the age of 26, rejoined professional tennis eight years later and made the rather large mistake of sticking with his wooden racket.
Will Schumi still be great? Will he have the car to make an impact? All will be revealed.
• Rugby memories
Two Carisbrook tests and five Otago games feature in Rugby To Remember, the latest book from prolific writer Lindsay Knight.
It's a collection of programmes and match reports from a century of rugby games in and involving New Zealand.
The Carisbrook tests included are from 1946 (v Australia, the first post-war test) and 1959 (v Lions, Don Clarke's six penalties).
But it's far from an All Black-dominated book. Knight, who wrote the two definitive editions of the history of the Ranfurly Shield, is one of the great defenders and chroniclers of the provincial game.
The Otago games included are: v Auckland (1947, 18-12, Vic Cavanagh's famous half-time speech), v Canterbury (1954, 9-9, a blown Shield challenge), v Auckland (1988, 17-27, Frank Bunce's tackle on Noel Pilcher), v North Harbour (1992, 26-23, the first extra-time game in New Zealand rugby) and v Auckland (1995, 19-23, Colin Hawke's penalty try).
• Forgiveness on its way
One of the last great sporting-related injustices is nearing resolution.
AP reports the US Congress is urging a presidential pardon for Jack Johnson, the black heavyweight boxing champion who was imprisoned for carousing with a white woman.
Johnson became the first black heavyweight champion in 1908, a century before the nation elected Barack Obama its first black president.
In 1913, Johnson was convicted of violating the Mann Act, which made it illegal to transport women across state lines for immoral purposes. Johnson fled the country after his conviction, but agreed years later to return and serve a 10-month jail sentence. He tried to renew his boxing career after leaving prison, but failed to regain his title.
He died in a car crash in 1946 aged 68.
The resolution approved by Congress says Johnson should receive a posthumous pardon "for the racially motivated conviction in 1913 that diminished the athletic, cultural, and historic significance of Jack Johnson and unduly tarnished his reputation".
