Is one-day cricket still a contest between bat and ball? Cricket writer Adrian Seconi takes a light-hearted look ahead and predicts changes to the format surely mean New Zealand will emerge victorious at this month's World Cup.
Bowlers - no-one cares about these pathetic fools trundling in, over after punishing over.
The once valued team-mates are now completely insignificant and barely rate a mention. They will, of course, eventually be phased out. Bowling machines are expected to be introduced as soon as some Indian tycoon manages to get one to operate reliably.
Until such time, no-one will be allowed to field outside the 30m circle, the boundary rope will come in another 10m-15m, bats will double in size and free hits will now occur every fourth ball of the over.
Teams will be fined their entire match fee unless they post a score of 300-plus. One-day cricket is just too boring otherwise.
As for Martin Crowe's crazy suggestion to include a fourth stump - that is just madness. It is a batsman's game, Martin. The max zone, though, may make a comeback.
In a rare concession, some bowlers will be allowed to bend their elbow but not their back.
The Black Caps appear well-placed to exploit this trend. Kyle Mills, anyone? How has he avoided being no-balled for this long?
The former world No 1 one-day bowler generates incredible heat, biffing it as he does. Last clocked at almost 130kmh, he is especially devastating during the batting power plays.
A rule change may be appropriate here. If you get hit out of the ground, then the bowler should have to go and get it, not stand there like a teapot.
Part-timer Kane Williamson is also fond of the "round-arm style". Rumour has it he has some sort of rubber arm.
Hard to see this Black Caps attack stealing the show and upstaging the world's best batsmen. They are one shade of vanilla with a dash of the ordinary.
The likes of Mills will have ample support from young lothario Tim Southee and erratic Cantabrian Hamish Bennett. Big Jacob Oram - injured eight times in the last three hours - will steam in looking every bit like an oversized Gavin Larsen. And James Franklin? Terrifying, just terrifying.
Spin will be crucial on the subcontinent pitches and luckily enough New Zealand has the best slow left-arm seamer - yes, seamer - in the world. Daniel Vettori is a class player whose wicket-to-wicket style has proved amazingly effective.
While he can turn a game, he does not seem to have the same effect on a cricket ball. But we can expect 10 frugal overs each game, an awkward swipe and thwack or two with the bat followed by a well-rehearsed speech which is an adequate, yet wooden, summary of where it all went wrong.
It is unclear whether Scott Styris, formerly New Zealand's most over-rated cricketer, now a key member of the squad, will make any contribution on the field. He is too busy tweeting all manner of interesting things and has not been seen in the nets since he cracked 6000 followers.
Meanwhile, the new fielding restrictions are expected to suit New Zealand's block-bash approach, particularly Ross Taylor.
It is understood no-one will field at cow corner when Taylor is batting, thus removing his only known mode of dismissal. Unlike most batsmen, though, Taylor will have to round bases to score runs.
Jesse Ryder is another who should benefit. The tubby left-hander is not too fond of quick singles, unless of course he has a runner, which is most of the time.
It is believed Brendon McCullum will bat in every position at some stage during the six-week-long tournament and will wield a toothpick to give the opposition a fighting chance. Consideration was given to tying one arm behind his back.
Cricket is gloriously unpredictable but the Black Caps have mostly been a model of consistency - completely useless. There was a lull during the Hadlee and Crowe era. But every four years the criticism reaches fever pitch. Bagging the Blacks Caps has become a national pastime.
You won't read such negativity here. The Black Caps have always found ways to compensate, err, compete. They have a good record at the World Cup and a total of two players - McCullum and Vettori - who could waltz into any other world team.
Book an extra seat - the cup is coming home.
WORLD CUP
- Match schedule
GROUPINGS
• Pool A: Australia, Pakistan, New Zealand, Sri Lanka, Zimbabwe, Canada, Kenya.
• Pool B: India, South Africa, England, West Indies, Bangladesh, Ireland, Netherlands.
SCHEDULE
• Feb. 19: Bangladesh v India, Dhaka (5pm).
• Feb. 20: New Zealand v Kenya, Chennai (5pm).
• Feb. 20: Sri Lanka v Canada, Hambantota (10pm).
• Feb. 21: Australia v Zimbabwe, Ahmedabad (10pm).
• Feb. 22: England v Netherlands, Nagpur (10pm).
• Feb. 23: Pakistan v Kenya, Hambantota (10pm).
• Feb. 24: South Africa v West Indies, New Delhi (10pm).
• Feb. 25: Australia v New Zealand, Nagpur (5pm).
• Feb. 25: Bangladesh v Ireland, Dhaka (9.30pm).
• Feb. 26: Sri Lanka v Pakistan, Colombo (10pm).
• Feb. 27: India v England, Bangalore (10pm).
• Feb. 28: Zimbabwe v Canada, Nagpur (5pm).
• Feb. 28: West Indies v Netherlands, New Delhi (10pm).
• March 1: Sri Lanka v Kenya, Colombo (10pm).
• March 2: England v Ireland, Bangalore (10pm).
• March 3: South Africa v Netherlands, Mohali (5pm).
• March 3: Pakistan v Canada, Colombo (10pm).
• March 4: New Zealand v Zimbabwe, Ahmedabad (5pm).
• March 4: Bangladesh v West Indies, Dhaka (9.30pm).
• March 5: Sri Lanka v Australia, Colombo (10pm).
• March 6: England v South Africa, Chennai (5pm).
• March 6: India v Ireland, Bangalore (10pm).
• March 7: Kenya v Canada, New Delhi (10pm).
• March 8: Pakistan v New Zealand, Kandy (10pm).
• March 9: India v Netherlands, New Delhi (10pm).
• March 10: Sri Lanka v Zimbabwe, Kandy (10pm).
• March 11: West Indies v Ireland, Mohali (5pm).
• March 11: Bangladesh v England, Chittagong (9.30pm).
• March 12: India v South Africa, Nagpur (10pm).
• March 13: New Zealand v Canada, Mumbai (5pm).
• March 13: Australia v Kenya, Bangalore (10pm).
• March 14: Bangladesh v Netherlands, Chittagong (4.30pm).
• March 14: Pakistan v Zimbabwe, Kandy (10pm).
• March 15: South Africa v Ireland, Kolkata (10pm).
• March 16: Australia v Canada, Bangalore (10pm).
• March 17: England v West Indies, Chennai (10pm).
• March 18: Ireland v Netherlands, Kolkata (5pm).
• March 18: Sri Lanka v New Zealand, Mumbai (10pm).
• March 19: Bangladesh v South Africa, Dhaka (4.30pm).
• March 19: Australia v Pakistan, Colombo (10pm).
• March 20: Zimbabwe v Kenya, Kolkata (5pm).
• March 20: India v West Indies, Chennai (10pm).
• March 23: Quarterfinal, Dhaka (9.30pm).
• March 24: Quarterfinal, Ahmedabad (10pm).
• March 25: Quarterfinal, Dhaka (9.30pm).
• March 26: Quarterfinal, Colombo (10pm).
• March 29: Semifinal, Colombo (10pm).
• March 30: Semifinal, Mohali (10pm).
• April 2: Final, Mumbai (10pm).
