"Are you awake?" isn't flirting, however much the economist says it is.
Unfortunately, when men flirt it's often hard to tell.
"How do you know a man is flirting with you?" I asked my friend Callum.
"He mills around talking to his friends, ignoring you".
Unless the man in question is a beagle-eager sleazoid, in which case he will sidle up and say with a cheese-eating grin, "Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?" (You may brush him off like a revolting hairy-legged spider, but some schmuckette will fall for it.)
Believe it or not, there are some women who just don't know how to flirt.
"I don't," said a friend we'll just call Tall Gorgeous Blonde.
"You don't?" I said incredulously.
"Not a clue," she said, shrugging her perfect shoulders and shaking her head, tossled mane a-shimmer.
Not that it really matters.
Put TGB in the middle of a room at any gathering and the men assembled will soon begin to helplessly bash themselves against her light bulbs.
The more insecure women will snarl "fat ankles", from a not so discrete distance, in an attempt to make themselves feel better.
Her radiance notwithstanding, TGB would like to be more selective; actually choosing the object of her affections, rather than having said object foisted upon her.
Pooling the experience of Dunedin's biggest flirts, Blondie, this is for you:From a musical flirt: "Look up at him over the top of your glass.
Listen intently to everything he says even if it's, `I had 2-minute noodles for lunch.' Reply, `Darling, that's fascinating.' Drop subtle sexual innuendo into the conversation: `I can't stay long, I don't want to be late for my pole dancing class'."
Muss up your hair and lipstick - you'll look like you just stepped out of bed (or a complete slob).
Twiddle with something.
Smile at him.
This hardly ever happens to men, so he'll be both frightened and pleased.
Reapply your lipstick while consulting a tiny mirror, signalling you are high maintenance, thus weeding out the shabby.
From a sales flirt: "Drop your scarf/hairclip/bangle on the floor and bend over from the waist to pick it up.
"When you're almost standing, snap your head back."
Spend six months in physiotherapy.
You might meet a nice male nurse.
Male flirting incoherence is caused in the main by online relationship advice.
Extremely hazardous.
For example, from Top Signs She's Flirting with You courtesy of Men.com:She smiles at you, keeps walking by, isolates herself from her friends, touches her hair, and, most significantly enters your personal space.
Excuse me? If a man smiled like a loon, walking in circles around me patting his head before invading my personal space, I'd call the police.
Finally, a little what-not-to-do advice from yours truly.
At an appointment with an exceptionally attractive, entrepreneurial man-about-town recently I became aware of his rapt attention.
Smiling, he appeared to be listening intently to everything I said, staring fixedly at my face with eyes the colour of summer lakes.
Was he flirting with me? I know I have the economist, that steak of mankind, at home but what was the harm in making a play for a little hamburger? He kept beaming (he really was gorgeous).
Obviously, I still had it.
Flirting outrageously for the rest of the meeting, I stumbled, flushed and heaving, back to my car.
Checking my face in the rear view mirror it was then I noticed that I had fuchsia lipstick over my teeth.
Matters were made worse by Tammy, that beer-swilling model, when I narrated my Revlon tale of shame.
"Him!" she exploded with mirth.
"Scoot, that boy is an age you haven't been for quite some time."
Flirt, flutter, flit dear butterfriends, but carefully.
Lisa Scott is a Dunedin writer.
THE diary
November 12: The Cuban Brothers' New Zealand tour, 10 Bar, Dunedin.
November 13: Four Flat Whites in Italy by Roger Hall, opens Fortune Theatre, Dunedin. Get your early bird tickets this week.
November 13: The Veils, Sammy's, Dunedin.
November 13-14: Milford Galleries, Anne Robinson preview and artist's talk.
November 14: Peter Pan, Regent Theatre, Dunedin. Believe in fairies? Darling, I know dozens of them.
November 17: Casiotone for the Painfully Alone, Chicks Hotel, Port Chalmers.
Go for the brilliantly maudlin name alone.
What are the latest fashion trends and have they hit the streets of Dunedin? Or, do people in the South have their own style?
Reporter Sarah Harvey goes out with a camera and notepad to record some fashion statements.
Natasha Bourke (18) student
Describe your style: Um, I guess you would say I'm pretty casual.
What are you wearing and where is it from?
My shoes are from a surf job, Cactus Jacks I think.
And I think the rest of my clothes - the tights, the top and the cardy - are from Glassons.
Do you have a favourite item of clothing?
I have a blue dress from Principals that looks like it is a skirt and a top.
It is a sapphire blue colour.
Chloe Manihera (18) student (left)
Describe your style: It is pretty summery and girly.
What are you wearing and where is it from? The skirt is from Cotton On.
I got it while I was in Australia.
The singlet top is from Supre, the cardigan is from Glassons.
The bag is from Dotti and the jandals are from a store I can't remember the name of in Fiji.
The sunglasses are also from Cotton On in Australia.
Do you have a favourite item of clothing?
Probably this white top I'm wearing at the moment.
I have worn it for the last couple of days.
It goes with everything, from skirts to jeans.
Maartje Meis (18) Dutch tourist
Describe your style: I don't like to wear what everyone else is wearing.
What are you wearing and where is it from?
I got all my clothes in Holland.
I haven't been able to find that many clothes I like in Dunedin yet.
The sequinned top and necklace are from Mango.
The shoes are Converse All Stars.
The rest is from different shops in Holland.
Do you have a favourite item of clothing?
My sunglasses. They are from Mango as well.
Stacey Pigou (21) student
Describe your style: I'm not sure.
I guess you would say casual.
What are you wearing and where is it from?
This is a Ruby dress from Void, I am wearing Haviana jandals, a plain black slip and an Olympic watch.
A black skirt which is also Ruby.
It is a little bit puffy and has a star at the back.
