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New Zealand cricket captain Kane Williamson. PHOTO: GETTY IMAGES

Please tell me how I can avoid becoming the next kid picked on by our school’s bully.

Chen is the richest boy in town, and a mad-keen collector of marbles. We’ve counted on Chen buying our spare cat’s eyes and bonkers when short of pocket money. But Chen has begun to throw his weight around the marbles trade.

Chen is enormous — the size of two All Black props — and he’s recently singled out Ozzy, a friendly kid who’s sometimes cheeky. If Ozzy says something Chen thinks is anything less than grovelling, Chen gives him a biff, and confiscates a handful of his marbles.

Me — and other kids too — would like to stick up for Ozzy. But we worry that if we say anything, Fatty Chen will do the same to us. I’m one of the smallest kids. What can I do?

Jacinda A.

Morrinsville Primary School.

There’s nowt in playground lore says you have to play it straight and fair with a bully. Nor anything that demands you take over Ozzy’s victimhood.

So in the short term, be as devious as you like with Chen. Suck up to him and — when Chen’s not looking — give Ozzy a hug. Stay under the radar, and swallow your pride, which I presume, Jacinda, is exactly what you’re doing?

This is, of course, precisely how Chen wants you to react. By singling out Ozzy he’s telling you what to expect if you don’t kowtow when he demands you hand over a favourite marble.

My best advice is regrettably skinny. Bide your time. Chen has problems at home, and the school’s other big kid may return from being hospitalised with Trump Throat.

By the way, Ozzy’s a tougher nut than he looks.

Dear Uncle Norm,

NZ Cricket was surely thinking "money first, fans second" when they gave Spark their broadcast rights. Spark’s casting service is expensive and also cuts out viewers who can’t afford the latest technology. Kane Williamson, our greatest ever batsman, is in his pomp, but thanks to the Spark deal, he may as well be invisible.

Antsy Viewer.

Older fans will remember how the media billionaire Kerry Packer was vilified when he took over Australian cricket telecasting. His vision vastly improved the game’s presentation, and revived it. Doubtless NZ Cricket hopes Spark can eventually do the same because of its sheer wealth and its reach. Meanwhile yes, it’s a pain.

Dear Uncle Norm,

I am fed up to my back molars with poseur Radio NZ and TV One reporters, beginning and ending news stories in te reo Maori. Very few Kiwis understand Maori. Almost all understand English. This unnecessary use of two languages grates and interferes.

Is this virtue-signalling journalists burnishing their egos, or are they obeying some woke Government edict we haven’t been told about?

Henry Blanc.

Actually, the journos are performing a rather neat balancing act.

The 2016 update of RNZ’s government charter says its programme delivery should "reflect NZ’s cultural identity including Maori language and culture".

The trouble is this could end up just delivering separate silos of Maori and English programmes, which don’t build any greater awareness of the less used language.

TV and Radio suits decided they could create more language cross-over by "top and tailing" many news items in Maori.

Hat’s off to them. Their answer is elegant, and it provides a constant reminder of our second language. Plus only the thickest non-Maori speakers won’t get the drift of a te reo version of "This is Josephine Bloggs reporting from Hawera".

If you type "te reo Maori on RNZ" into the RNZ website’s searchbox, you’ll hear 21 common Maori greetings and farewells. You can bet this is the style bible for many of their reporters.

Open your ears, Henry. Enjoy it.

Dear Uncle Norm,

I have been building a dossier on your column. The results are so odious I now store your work in my freezer to prevent it becoming even more contaminant.

You publish very few representatives of progressive thinking. Your writers prattle on about their pathetic lives with no thought of today’s greatest quest — correct thinking by everybody, which will then bring about a just world where everyone is equal.

I’ve never read such a malign collection of fascist fruitcakes, oddballs, and escapees from places of safe confinement. Something should be done about you.

Harriet Snow.

As I’ve previously explained, much of the letter writing is contracted out to Uncle Norm’s nephew, who resides in Arrowtown. He’s a good lad who once won a Sunday School prize (perhaps this makes him your fascist fruitcake?), but he does fritter his time on golf and watching cricket. The strange thing is that he too stores readers’ letters in the freezer. His claim, however, is that this keeps them fresh and sparkling.

Both Uncle Norm and his odd nephew wish ODT readers a 2020 Christmas that sees a little more brandy in the pudding.

 - John Lapsley is an Arrowtown writer.