She was describing the moment police knocked on her door to tell her Sean Dickey, her only child, was dead.
It was just like in the movies, she said.
On Thursday, the Christchurch District Court’s public gallery was packed with friends, family and "extended St John family" in honour of Mr Dickey, who was 22 when he was struck by a car while riding his motorcycle with his friend on April 19 this year.
A former pupil of Mount Aspiring College in Wanaka, his funeral attracted hundreds to honour a young man who had made a real impact in Wanaka.
Former and present Mt Aspiring College pupils performed a haka at his funeral and a guard of honour by St John staff was also formed.
Emergency services who rushed to the intersection of Halswell Rd and Aidanfield Dr in Christchurch about 6.45pm on April 19 were devastated to find one of their own involved in the crash.
His death has also undeniably crushed "the proudest parents you could imagine".
Four months later, police laid charges against Anja Jacoba Maria Hermina Derks (61), of Christchurch.
Derks earlier pleaded guilty to careless driving causing Mr Dickey’s death and careless driving causing injury.
At her sentencing on Thursday, Judge Quentin Hix described the case as one of the most difficult types for the court to conduct.
In an emotional victim impact statement, Mr Dickey’s mother, Mei Lian told the court her heart had been ripped out and the tears had not stopped since her son’s death.
She and Mr Dickey’s father were both "so proud" when he bought his motorcycle and hi-vis gear, saying they "never doubted he would be a responsible driver".
Her son was the kind of person who always involved others and would often invite people outside of his friend group to his birthday parties.
During a high school trip that involved walking up a mountain, he reached the top, dumped his gear and headed straight back down to help the rest of the climbers.
She said she would miss the laughs and special times shared as a family but would miss her son’s hugs most of all.
Since Mr Dickey’s death, his mother has been prescribed a variety of sleeping and anti-anxiety medication and has lost the joy she once had.
"I can count the good times on my hand, there are not many ... No-one can give me an answer on when I will feel better.
"The grief has settled in all parts of my body."
Judge Hix said Derks and Mr Dickey lived close to each other and in the most tragic way possible, their paths had crossed.
He considered the remorse Derks showed was genuine and the offending was on the lower end of the spectrum.
The case was well suited for a restorative justice meeting, the judge said, encouraging that to happen if both parties agreed.
Derks’ lawyer, Sean Mcintyre, underscored just how apologetic Derks was.
"Nothing she says is ever going to undo it or bring young Sean back. A young man’s life was lost and a son was taken away."
He said Derks had a "completely unblemished" driving record and did not have a single demerit point.
Derks was sentenced to 100 hours of community work, disqualified from driving for six months and ordered to pay an emotional harm payment of $3000.
The money will go towards a charitable trust in Mr Dickey’s name set up by his parents to assist with emerging leaders, and to Mr Dickey’s friend who has had to take a significant amount of time off work.
On the evening of the crash, Mr Dickey and a friend were riding their motorbikes northbound on Halswell Rd.
Derks was driving home in the opposite direction in a Ford Endura.
The motorcyclists were approaching the intersection of Halswell Rd and Aidanfield Dr, which has a posted 80kmh speed limit.
Dickey was the lead rider, wearing high-vis and travelling at 80kmh. His friend was wearing predominantly dark clothing with less reflective material, the summary of facts stated.
Derks slowed as she approached the intersection to turn right into Aidanfield Dr.
The police crash investigation report suggests she was "making an unhurried turn at the intersection. That behaviour is consistent with the driver having looked but failed to see the approaching motorcyclists".
Mr Dickey suffered high-energy impact injuries to his chest, abdomen and pelvis.
He died at the scene.
After the crash, Derks was in "shock and disbelief, shaking and hyperventilating", the summary said.
She told a person at the scene she had not seen the motorcyclists and could not understand what had happened.
"She was very concerned about the motorcyclists, asking how they were."
