Saturday, May 1
5.40pm: Friend gets into car for a ride. Brings with her slice of fruitcake, fresh from oven. Cannot even look at cake for fear I will eat it whole and maybe also take mouthful of plate it is on.
5.45pm: At petrol station. Same friend enters petrol station. Returns to car and a sumptuous aroma begins to taunt nostrils. Is pie.
Friend who until now nameless - Helen Bauld - had audacity to eat pie in my car. Lucky she is sitting behind me, otherwise it could have turned ugly.
Sunday, May 2
11am: Have another go at Tobin's Track. Noon: Decide I am getting fitter. Did not have to stop every two minutes this time. Stopped every five instead.
8.30pm: Craving sweet things. Is strange because have never really had sweet tooth. Now want all manner of sweet treats. Dreaming of coffee sucked through TimTam. Or Nutella. Not on anything. Straight from jar. Or tin of caramel condensed milk ... straight from can.
Have more water. Is not the same.
Monday, May 3
6.15am: At Pump. Decide to use (marginally) heavier weights.
6.30am: Do not trust voice not to say something loud and entirely inappropriate.
Have begun grinding teeth and rolling eyes. Think Karen Castiglione thinks I am having fit. Try to smile to indicate all is well, but appear to have lockjaw.
9am: Craving for sweet food unrelenting. Move Easter Egg out of direct line of vision.
Is not hard to hide (desk is pigsty) but know it's there so this is not working.
11.51am: Read email from Funktional Fitness advising us not to step on The Scales. Was not intending to.
Read article warning of danger of scales. Essentially, is never good idea to step on scales. Have NO issue with this.
However, am hideously aware halfway weigh and measure is next Friday.
The Scales are hanging over me like black cloud of Judgement Day.
12.47pm: Email from Lindauer Lady Kylie Walker.
Exchange based on comments from other ladies in Queenstown Times.
All of them are happy bunnies, filled with renewed vigour for life and have clothes fitting them better.
I am not happy bunny, clothes are still snug and muscles - while better - are still angry on daily basis.
Kylie is feeling my pain. She says she walks like "best friend is a horse".
We will stalk the other ladies and find out what mood-enhancing substances they have been taking.
And then steal them.
6pm: Is taking every ounce of strength not to slot car into drive-thru of fast food restaurant.
Instead, go to stupidmarket.
6.15pm: Powers that be are playing cruel game.
Every aisle at stupidmarket has specials on treats. There is display full of Tim Tams. Am feeling gravitational pull towards them.
Swear I can smell chocolatey, biscuity goodness through plastic wrapping.
Get chicken instead.
Is not the same.
10pm: Flatmate and I have spent almost two hours torturing ourselves talking about sweet food. In detail.
Salivating at thought of a "heart attack-inducing" treat an ODT Alexandra reporter made last week - caramel and white chocolate layer cake.
Also keep thinking about chocolate brownies sister promised to bring on June 28.
And chocolate bunny - still fully intact - in pantry (flatmate swears it winked at her today) which I will have for breakfast on June 28.
Tuesday, May 4
5am: Alarm goes off.
Try to get out of bed, however, aching back screams in protest.
Back takes priority over bike.
9am: Cannot form vowels.
Am so tired feel physically sick. Contemplating using toothpicks to keep eyelids open.
Is only Tuesday. Does not bode well.
11.11am: Have googled "overactive salivary glands". Apparently should eat cheese to stop mouth watering ... thought of this makes mouth water.
1pm: At physio for gammy ankle. Mention gammy back. Physio says is "tired". Am not surprised.
3.04pm: Have resorted to multi-vitamin fizzy tablets which promise "energy, recovery, endurance and stamina" to keep from falling asleep at keyboard.
3.30pm: Nope. Going to have a second cup of coffee today.
5.33pm: Not sure if it was fizzy yellow drink or coffee, but energy has increased. Will now go to gym.
Wednesday, May 5
9am: Richie Lambert informs me of new programme. Is called "Bring The Sexy Back".
Find this ironic. In order for something to be brought back, it had to be there in the first place. It wasn't.
Involves multitude of exercises and cardio. Must be done in 45 minutes.
Richie says this will be "intense".
9.30am: Am ready to vomit and am mentally working out where the closest receptacle is. Do not want to do this in gym.
Next option is Alpine Aqualand bathrooms ... fear I will not make it there and instead empty stomach contents in pool. Inappropriate.
10am: Accidentally catch sight of face. There is no colour on the red scale bright enough to describe it.
Looks like I decided blusher shouldn't just be used on cheeks, but all visible skin. Only white patches are eyeballs and teeth.
Eternally thankful am not wearing red Lindauer Ladies T-shirt.
One would not have been able to differentiate between fabric and skin.
Right now could not be further from bringing "the sexy back".
Thursday, May 5
8.30am: Getting dressed.
Have no option but to wear trousers have been avoiding for six months.
Put trousers on, hold breath and try to do them up. Trousers do up.
And I can fit a finger (albeit little one) inside waistband.
Is fitness working?!
9am: Read new programme from Richie.
Apparently goal for next four weeks is to "increase fitness".
Apparently will be doing this by living at gym.
Do not have a single rest day in the next four weeks.
Friday, May 6 6am: Boxing. Learn to "uppercut".
Only previous experience with these has been in the form of chips (cue mouth watering).
Richie punches me back.
Is good thing am doing left arm ... need right in order to keep employment.
Richie also tries knock block off and makes me duck out of the way. Contemplate hitting deck, face-plant style, but think this may defeat purpose of exercise.
Noon: In 168 hours will come face to face with The Scales. And have another encounter with The Measuring Tape.
Have knot rapidly forming in pit of stomach. Fear numbers will not be nice. Fear this will be death knell for motivation.
Also realise this means in 1224 hours am supposed to be "catwalk ready".
No words exist to describe this feeling.
Tickets are now on sale for the 2010 American Express Queenstown Winter Festival Lindauer Ladies Fashion Afternoon on June 28. Tickets cost $39 and are available through www.ticketdirect.co.nz, by phoning 0800 224 224 (03 450 9110) or at the Queenstown Events Centre.
