Queenstown bureau chief Tracey Roxburgh documents the highs and lows in the Queenstown Winter Festival Lindauer Ladies Fitness and Fashion Challenge.
Saturday, May 15
11am: Have spent majority of morning psyching myself up to go to gym where I shall put myself through torture that is Bring the Sexy Back workout.
Have finally reached Lakes Leisure carpark.
11.02am: Cellphone goes.
Am diverted to "landslip" at Devil's Staircase.
This does not please me.
11.32am: Reach "landslip".
Is in fact six rocks on side of road. Am now in bad mood.
If I had not been diverted, would be close to finishing torturous workout by now.
Noon: Back at gym.
Decide to take bad mood out on cross trainer and rower.
12.22pm: Am steaming through workout.
Do not need to look at any reflective surfaces to know I am colour of beetroot.
People at gym staring at me, possibly out of concern at any moment I may have heart attack.
12.30pm: On track for beating best time on 45-minute workout.
Realise the faster I go, the faster this is over.
12.32pm: Have reached warp speed on cross trainer.
Just saw the speed reader hit 24.
Must look ridiculous.
Am in position similar to squat, with body relatively still.
Arms and legs are going so fast they must look like a blur.
12.40pm: Am tempted to lie on gym floor in recovery position.
Beat best time by four minutes.
1.20pm: Am now in recovery position on couch.
2pm: Have finally summoned energy to have shower and get dressed.
See favourite jeans which have not been worn in about a year.
Eye them up. Decide today is the day to try them on.
Quietly chant "Please let them fit" while holding breath.
2.01pm: Jeans are on.
Did not have to jump to pull them up (as I did when I bought them, thinking - wrongly - they would "give"), did not have to lie down to do them up and can stand and sit without them cutting my midsection in half. Am very, very happy.
3pm: Have been to see friend at work and have told her about my jeans.
Have also just told her workmates.
And, anyone else who will listen.
9.30pm: At friend's house for social gathering.
Garlic bread and wedges are removed from oven. Could cry.
10.30pm: Half the garlic bread and half the bowl of wedges are still on the table.
Cannot look at them.
Am holding fast to my water.
Sunday, May 16
11am: Today am supposed to do Tobin's.
Look at the hill and cannot find the energy required. Today will be rest day.
Monday, May 17
6am: Pump time.
Feel much better for having rest day.
Decide to do heavier weights.
7am: Heavier weights still make much difference.
Muscles involuntarily shaking.
10am: Tobin's time.
Put iPod in and decide I will make it to the top without stopping (even double-knot shoelaces).
10.20am: Have just discovered down side to iPod.
While it drowns out sound of huffing and puffing, it also drowns out all other noise.
Hence, nearly had heart attack seeing something from corner of eye: two women overtaking me.
Did not hear them.
Nearly fall off track and down bank.
Fright adrenaline rush helps to conquer Tobin's.
10.50am: Five minutes off best time on track and I'm happy.
Tuesday, May 18
11am: Decide I need to treat myself to a massage.
1.20pm: With Paula Barker at Back on Track.
She says my back is "congested" - interesting, because nose is too.
My mum would like Paula.
She says my posture is not so good, as Mum has told me since I was about 12. Paula says: Try hard to correct posture (i.e., sit like a lady). Every time flatmate catches me not sitting properly, I must do five press ups.
Wonder if Richie Lambert and Paula are in cahoots.
5.45pm: Pump with new instructor Maria. 6pm: Maria is mean (good mean).
Doing a millionteen squats with legs on fire.
Maria says legs are saying "Thank you" for making them work.
Not sure whose legs she is listening to, certainly not mine, which are having 2-year-old tantrum, screaming bad words.
6.50pm: Pump finished. Everything is sore.
However, am having another go at Zumbahaha.
Decide to try concentrating more and see if this helps.
7pm: Nope.
Still an un-co'.
7.40pm: Am starting to get a little cough.
I am NOT getting sick.
Wednesday, May 18
9am: Gym session with Richie.
Suspect lovely massage from Paula helped immensely.
Feel much better.
Actually, am lying. Back feels better.
Throat not so much.
I repeat: I am NOT getting sick.
9.20am: Richie introduces me to new machine.
Is called Smith. Ridiculous name for machine.
Is actually weightlifting bar on a stand.
Have been terrified of this machine forever.
Cannot believe am about to use it.
9.23am: Smith caper is not so bad.
Legs don't mind it too much. Shoulders, however, are not sure what's going on.
The amount of weight they are bearing is the equivalent of giving a 12-year-old a shoulder ride.
5pm: Have pain in back.
Is odd. It's actually a good pain.
Think this is pain Richie told me I would feel seven weeks ago.
Also odd is my excitement at going to RPM tomorrow.
Have not been for two weeks as my dialling finger has been too slow and it's always booked out.
7pm: I am NOT getting sick.
9.30pm: Flatmate decides we should watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
10pm: Am cursing Willy Wonka and his chocolate river.
Would VERY much like to go for a swim in that.
Thursday, May 19
6.03am: Nice receptionist tells me my face has lost more weight.
Lovely way to start day.
6.20am: Now not sure why I was excited about RPM.
Legs HATE me.
6.30am: Trying to work out how best to describe leg pain.
Is almost like burning hot steel rope has been attached from my hip to my knee.
And every time I move my legs, the rope gets hotter.
And the hotter it gets, the slower it moves.
In short, am in agony.
Noon: Back at gym for Sexy Back workout.
Am managing to ward off sickness by power of positive thinking. 12.10pm: Sickness won't behave itself. Feel like have been sitting in a sauna for two hours.
Everything is tired.
And am about to start Sexy Back.
12.40pm: Am nearly finished - motivating me is the thought of couch and quiet time, and possibly nana nap.
Cross trainer has come close to warp speed again.
Wonder if Alpine Health & Fitness have security cameras.
Sure staff would get hours of entertainment from watching me try to make cross trainer come off stand, fly through window and into swimming pool.
12.43pm: Finished.
And, despite sickness, have bettered previous best time.
Everything is shaking.
Am sitting on rowing machine and cannot summon strength to stand.
12.50pm: See Richie.
Tell him I'm tired (not in such polite words).
He says "Good".
Tell him I'm shaky.
He says this is also good.
Doesn't feel that way.
Friday, May 20
9am: Can't deny it anymore: I'm sick and still at gym - perplexing.
Seven weeks ago would not have gone to gym with sniffles and coughs.
9.10am: See Lindauer Lady Vanessa van Uden.
She looks knackered.
She also looks teensy.
Am motivated by Vanessa.
9.15am: Vanessa is getting lovely looking shoulder massage from Sarah Cole.
This is how Vanessa's workouts finish.
Mine finish with intervals on rowing machine.
I don't even get stretching, just more sweating.
Try to hit Richie harder, but arms realise if they hit hard, hands sometimes hurt and don't want to play the game.
10.56am: Now have just over four weeks to learn to be supermodel.
In two days, catwalk rehearsals begin and the man with the video camera will be back to record moment for history books.
Am worried there is potential for so many things to go drastically wrong.
Have been solely focused on going to gym and trying not to complain.
And avoiding cakes and wine.
Had almost managed to forget at the end of this there was a requirement to parade.
Have visions of tripping over my feet. Or another lady's feet. Or falling off stage.
However, practice apparently makes perfect.
Think I shall practise catwalk parading at home on front porch.
Or down driveway. And at work.
Will need all the practice I can get.
