Queenstown bureau chief Tracey Roxburgh documents the highs and lows in the Queenstown Winter Festival Lindauer Ladies Fitness and Fashion Challenge.
Friday, May 21
- 7pm: Making chocolate cake for lovely friend's birthday. Cake requires large amount of actual chocolate. Friend comes to help me not eat it.
- 9pm: Cake out of oven and smell fills house. Is torture. Am going to let myself have a piece of cake tomorrow as reward for doing Tobin's and the Sexy Back torture tomorrow morning.
Saturday, May 22
- 9am: Exit bed. Friend and flatmate hear hacking cough before seeing me. See me and instantaneously decide am under house arrest. Feel guilty for not doing exercise. Also realise this means I cannot have any cake because I have not earned it.
- 5pm: Icing cake. Requires more chocolate. And cream. Looks EXACTLY like Willy Wonka's chocolate river. Flatmate out, so is just me and pot of liquid chocolate. no-one would know if the spoon "accidentally" fell into my mouth, forcing me to have some, but I resist. Am even more proud when there is icing left over and I do not touch it.
- 7.30pm: Deliver cake to lovely friend. She tries small piece. Face contorts, eyes roll back then she announces is good cake. Am happy she likes it. Also insanely jealous.
Sunday, May 23
- 2.30pm: First catwalk rehearsal and group training session with Lindauer Ladies.
- 2.35pm: Meet Anna Stewart, choreographer for fashion show - now five Mondays away. Anna lines us up in height order and talks through some "simple" posing positions. Involves many lefts, rights, head turns, hip swivels and pivots. Get confused rather quickly.
- 2.50pm: Time to practice strutting down makeshift catwalk. Hands have begun to sweat profusely. Feel physically ill (exacerbated by sickness, but definitely caused by nerves).
- 2.55pm: Looking for an exit. Or an out. Any excuse to get out of catwalking. Contemplate accidentally on purpose running into wall and concussing myself. Distract myself thinking about why it is called "catwalk". Cats walk on four legs. Wonder if I should crawl down it, Little Miss Sunshine-style?
- 2.56pm: Begin catwalking. Is awful. Knees shaking and there are only three people in front of me, and a camera. Nearly break into trot on return trip to get to safety of wall and corner.
- 2.58pm: Entire body shaking, hands still sweating and need a stiff drink. Sense of panic overwhelming. If is this bad with three people and camera, will be INFINITELY worse with 800 eyes looking.
- 3.30pm: Lindauer Ladies being put through Circuit Training paces. Made to do variety of exercises, including flipping tractor tyre up and down room. Richie Lambert and Sarah Cole make us do relay with balloons. At the end have to pop them, but cannot use "feet". So we use fingernails. They weren't expecting that.
- 7.30pm: Am made to practice catwalking for friends. They laugh at me. Is not supposed to be funny. Clearly, more practice required. Decide every time I have to turn in everyday life, I will use the "lift and turn" movement Anna taught us.
Monday, May 24
- 5.05am: Alarm sounds. Followed by hacking cough. And sneeze. Is not wise to attend Pump. Feel guilty. And lazy. Do not like either feeling.
- 2.57pm: Am put on hold on phone. Advertisement for a delicious sounding chicken cordon-bleu sandwich is playing. Describes, in detail, everything in sammie. Have not had appetite for two days, but could devour one of those right now.
Tuesday, May 25
- 5.10am: Alarm goes off. Decide to stay in bed. Feel guilty, then remember have double whammy (Pump and Zumbahaha) tonight. Return to guilt-free slumber.
- 1pm: At Patagonia in Queenstown for work. Greeted by delicious ice creams and people drinking hot chocolates. Move to stand by chocolate, thinking would be less stressful. Wrong. Spy seat by window, sit on it and try to stare aimlessly at lake. Except in front of me is a table talker advertising such deliciousness as hot chocolate brownies, and chocolate fondue. Will it never end?
- 1.15pm: Alex Gimenez offers me a hot chocolate, or some ice cream, or some chocolate. Have to politely say no thank you. Looks at me like I've lost marbles. Explain am trying very hard to be gym bunny. Still looks at me like I've lost marbles.
- 1.30pm: Alex has award-winning ice cream in a bowl. Tempted to grab bowl and run down street at full speed with face shoved in it. All I want is ice cream to soothe scratchy throat. Think about hot lemon, ginger and honey I will have when I get home. Is not the same.
- 6.50pm: Made it through Pump, but decided to punish myself, so muscles are shaky. Shaky muscles not conducive to Zumbahaha co-ordination. However, am feeling slightly less gammy. Still look like a numpty though.
Wednesday, May 26
- 9am: Session with Richie. Introduces me to new exercise called "woodchopper". Have never chopped wood in my life (do not trust myself with axe). Thankfully, no axes involved in exercise. Have to use pulley to pull across myself, designed to work stomach. A) movement NOTHING like chopping wood. B) am using arms and facial muscles (face contorting with pain), but not sure about stomach. Richie says I need to do another Sexy Back and RPM class before Friday. Wish there were more hours in a day.
- 9.40pm: Flatmate pulls mother card on me. Says "we" have to buy me a new pair of trousers. Ones I'm wearing are now too big (insert happy face).
Thursday, May 27
- 6.15am: RPM with Andie Rapley.
- 6.30am: Am frustrated. Think I could have been good at RPM today. Except have picked wonky bike. Handlebar is wiggly and there is no middle ground between minimum and maximum gears. Am either spinning legs so fast am about to fly off bike, or cannot move legs because gear is too high. No spare bikes.
- 6.33am: Face raining.
- Noon: Sexy Back. Death rattle bursting forth involuntarily and at inappropriate times. Breathing normally is difficult. Puffing, therefore, not ideal. Decide to focus on people in swimming pool to distract me. Seeing people in bathing suits is quite motivating.
- 12.40pm: Sexy Back done. Took another two minutes off best time, despite death rattle. Go me!
Friday, May 28
- 6.15am: Boxing. Richie gives up on the upper cuts because my tiny, insignificant fists are too wussy to cope with pain.
- 6.25am: Have to do sit-ups and prone holds. By third round of sit-ups stomach has given up ghost. Decide God gave me knees for a reason, so use them to pull myself up with. Suspect pulling up defeats purpose of sit ups.
- 10.30am: Fashion show fitting with Maree Cross at Decode.
- 10.45am: Maree decides on June 28 I shall be "sassy". Have never been sassy. I like it. Also like big mirror there. Is skinny mirror. However, am very nervous again about catwalk. Am going to have to remove some layers during parading. Thought of elegantly removing accessories is sending me into blind panic. Tonight shall practice in PJs and high heels down hallway, removing dressing gown.
- 12.15pm: Palms sweating. Tomorrow there will be just 30 days until catwalk. Am having difficulty breathing again. This time from hyperventilation.
