Tuesday, February 10
8.50am: Checking emails.
Received from New Zealand Boot Camp Systems: "Pre Programme Consultations."
Feeling of dread begins to take over stomach.
Read email - wear pants, tights or jeans, "not a skirt or dress thanks" (no problems there, I don't do "ladylike" clothing).
Dread becomes slightly sick feeling . . .
"We weigh and measure you."
Realise - with the exception of bridesmaid duties - I haven't been measured since I was 14.
Eyes, however, go glassy after staring at the other word too long.
"Weigh".
There is little more disheartening than the weigh-in.
Bad enough when you do it yourself.
INFINITELY worse when someone else not only looks, but writes the number down.
Manage to avoid hyperventilation.
Continue reading. "Fitness testing is on Monday."
I'm sorry, what ?!?! Did not know part of this arrangement was a fitness test. Hyperventilating feeling returns. Wonder why this is necessary - doesn't take a genius to see my fitness level is zero.
Decide it is cruel and unusual punishment.
Bottom of email asks me to advise a time and day for my "pre-programme health and fitness consultation".
Decide not to respond.
Noon: Email from Mark Wilson.
"See you soon."
Detect irrepressible enthusiasm one would only find exuding from a fit person.
"Let us know when you can come in and get sorted."
Thoughts of "NEVER, Mark" run through my head, as I try to work out how I can possibly get out of doing this now.
3.31pm: Decide there is no way out.
Email sent to Mark Wilson.
Make no attempt to hide my disgust at aforementioned fitness test. 4.41pm: Mark Wilson does not appear apologetic.
Tells me my appointment is 3pm tomorrow.
Has the audacity to put an irritating smily face at the end of the email.
Wednesday, February 11
7am: Difficulty sleeping last night.
Lay awake wondering how on earth I can get through the period from 3pm to 3.15pm with any self respect.
Conclude there is no hope.
Contemplate pulling on the control-top knickers I bought many moons ago, which stretch from the bust to the knees so at least the measurements are on my side.
Decide they'd probably tell me to take them off and then I'd be in an even worse predicament.
Abandon idea.
2.55pm: Enter Boot Camp office.
Met by Mark Wilson, nutritionist Kate Stevens and one Braden Lee.
Detect sick sense of anticipation from the latter, who is gleefully eyeing up measuring tape. Appointment made with nutritionist for Friday.
Made to step on the scales.
Hold breath, suck in stomach and close eyes. Closing eyes stroke of genius . . . until Braden Lee reads out the numbers.
Not just weight.
No.
Also amount of fat in my body.
Want to behave like 4-year-old - squeeze eyes, cover ears and scream "LALALALA" so I don't hear.
Resist urge.
Tape measure enters my eyeline.
Feeling ever closer to throwing up.
Measurements duly taken (surely at least 2mm should be taken off to account for clothing) and each one read out.
Try very hard not to throw tanty.
3.05pm: Seated before Mark Wilson and Braden Lee.
Informed my check-in time is 6am Monday for fitness test.
Ask what is involved.
Immediately regret asking.
"1.2km run, one minute of sit-ups, one minute of push-ups" and some form of jumping is also involved, as is holding the "prone" position for as long as possible.
Braden Lee demonstrates prone.
Conclude immediately my likely result will be three seconds.
However, still cannot get past the 1.2km run.
Not walk.
Run.
On day one.
Seriously? Mark Wilson says slowest person will take about 13 minutes.
Think I am likely to take at least twice as long.
3.21pm: Return to office to find colleagues have started sweepstake: Troxy's Losses Grand Sweepstake.
The person who correctly guesses my end weight loss apparently gets a pavlova.
That I have to make.
First guess was 5.1kg.
Second guess (from a colleague who is either hopeful or deluded) was 8.5kg. Think both guesses are completely out of whack.
Thursday, February 12
9.02am: Am getting rather sick of Boot Camp emails being the first ones I read in the morning.
This one is titled "Results".
I gave myself a good talking to last night and decided to be positive.
The results from yesterday are a starting point and hopefully within two or three weeks all of the numbers will be smaller.
However, seeing them staring at me from the computer screen is doing nothing for my already wavering positivity.
Also practised this "prone" position last night.
Left arm now very sore.
Friday, February 131.35pm: Have just left Joe's Garage in Queenstown following nutrition consult.
Positivity returned in vengeance.
Kate Stevens did not yell at me . . . not even when I told her how much coffee I drink.
Plan formulated. We will start slow.
With banana smoothies.
Bananas and I not great friends, but promise to try.
Told to buy water bottle.
Advised to keep a sneaky food diary for the first wee while so Mark Wilson and Braden Lee don't yell at me.
Think Kate Stevens and I will be great friends! Unfortunately, must start filling out secret food diary this weekend. Niece's first birthday party this weekend (read: much food and alcohol on offer).
Ruh roh.
Kate Stevens also tells me if I fail at this, I will have failed in front of all of Queenstown.
No pressure . . . For more information on boot camp, visit www.bootcamps.co.nz
