The last two years has been "a depressing black hole" for Beverley Lawrie, trying to cope with the death of her son, undercover police sergeant Don Wilkinson.
And it is not over, despite the two men responsible being sent to jail after being sentenced in the High Court at Auckland on Monday.
Mr Wilkinson (46) and a police colleague (44) were shot in an Auckland driveway on September 11, 2008, after being chased from a house where they had been trying to attach a tracking device to a car in its driveway.
Mr Wilkinson died immediately. His partner, who was shot several times, survived.
On Monday, John Ward Skinner (38) was jailed for life with a minimum non-parole term of 15 years for murder and attempted murder.
Iain Lindsay Clegg (36) was jailed for eight years with a minimum non-parole period of four years for manslaughter.
Asked in an interview with the Otago Daily Times about the last two years, culminating in Monday's sentencing which she attended in Auckland, Mrs Lawrie said: "In many ways, it's sort of a depressing black hole - and I'm not a person who is easily depressed. I'm not!"
"Sometimes on bad days, I just don't even want to get out of bed."
During the past two years, she has been relieving teaching in North Otago, maintaining a career she has retired from, but still loves.
That has helped her cope.
"All my life, I have been on one side of the classroom."
On Wednesday - the day after returning from the sentencing in Auckland - she was teaching at Papakaio School.
"Even though it was organised just before I left [for Auckland], I thought it would take my mind off the whole thing."
But, she feels she will never get over the death of her son, whom she always called Donny.
"It'll never be over.
"Now, every time a policeman is bashed or killed I get a phone call, don't I. I'm still hounded by the media, then it all comes back.
"Then I think 'Oh God, I wish I could just fly the country', but I can't."
Ms Lawrie remains critical of the attitude of Skinner, despite his lawyer saying he was remorseful.
As he left the courtroom in June after a jury found him guilty of murder, he hoisted "two fingers up in the air".
Asked about the length of the sentences, she said: "I would have liked a longer one for Skinner. Skinner was the one with the gun; Clegg drove the car - he aided and abetted."
"But when I heard he [Clegg] had 80 convictions, I was shocked."
Ms Lawrie said Clegg had already served two years of his sentence while awaiting trial and sentencing, so could be out of jail in two years.
"But Skinner will have to go to a parole board and I do not believe he will get parole first time.
"I will make damn sure he doesn't."
She is very proud of what her son achieved in his 46 years, starting out as a cadet in 1980 with Civil Aviation training in Christchurch then as a radio technician at Auckland Airport.
He was talented in communications, which then led into surveillance.
He even made some of his own equipment.
With the United Nations, Mr Wilkinson served in some of the world's hot spots - Somalia, Iraq and Bosnia.
She reads some of his reminiscences - up a telegraph pole in Iraq with bullets whizzing around him, or unable to go out to restore communications because of the danger from enemy aircraft.
"He got to regard that as normal."
He never carried a firearm while in Iraq, but was escorted by armed guards.
He returned to New Zealand in 1999, joining the police undercover unit and specialising in surveillance - what he was doing the night he was killed.
Ms Lawrie said he came back to New Zealand because it was safe and she never would have believed he would have been killed here.
During his time with the police, he often dropped in on his mother, sometimes with colleagues.
Colleagues still call in.
While she never knew the details of why he was passing through, she could often put the pieces together and work out he was on some mission or another.
"Even people he was often with didn't know what he did.
"He was on the squash club committee with a policewoman, and she never knew he was undercover [for police].
"He used to tell people he worked in security," she said.
