Were Franz Kafka alive and well and living in New Zealand in the 21st century he would probably own a cellphone.
For argument's sake, let's say his provider is called U-phone.
He might well have been a customer for, oh, say, a good six years, a reliable if not exactly craven consumer, in this realm at least a creature of habit and conspicuous loyalty, always paying his bill albeit on occasion a week or two late.
In a habitually inconstant world given over to fashion, flights of fancy, claws of envy and the ubiquitous seductions of high-techery, had he stopped to reflect on the matter, Mr Kafka might have considered himself entitled to be thought "a valued client".
He might, then, have been surprised at the recent turn of events in his hitherto untroubled relationship with U-phone, and have been gobsmacked, to use a modern colloquialism, to find himself trapped in the mind-numbing caresses of a call to nowhere: that is to say, in help-line hell.
His conversation might have gone something like this.
Mr K: Hello is that U-phone?U-phone: (upbeat) Welcome to U-phone. Now you can get landline and broadband
Mr K: (surprised) Look I just wanted to-
U-phone: From your favourite mobile company.
Mr K: I already have broadband and -
U-phone: For account information -
Mr K: Hello, is anybody there?
U-phone: billing and credit card payments -
Mr K: Oh, I see, I'm talking to a -
U-phone: press "1"Mr K: Pardon?
U-phone: For global roaming and rate plans - Mr K: But I'm not going anywhere.
U-phone: press "2". For our latest offers,
Mr K: Look all I want -
U-phone: press "3"
Mr K: is to pay my bill.
U-phone: For customer services, press "0".
Mr K presses "0".
Ringing is heard; it continues until a voice says . . .
U-phone: All our customer service operatives are busy right now; please hold and your call will be answered shortly.
The ringing is replaced by piped music - SplitEnz's I See Red.
Mr K: What do you mean by shortly?
U-phone: Your call is held in a queue
Mr K: And how long is the queue?
U-phone: When my baby's walking down the street I see red, I see red, I see red . . .
Mr K: I see red, I see red, I see red.
U-phone: Your call is important to us. A customer services representative will be with you shortly.
Mr K: Promises, promises!
U-phone: Hello, to whom am I speaking, please?
Mr K: Kafka.
U-phone: Do you have an initial please Mr . . . ?
Mr K: Kafka. Yes. F.
U-phone: Kafka-esque?
Mr K: You could say that.
U-phone: How can I help you Mr Kafka?
Mr K: I want to pay my bill. Until recently you sent me an invoice advising me how much I owed and when payment was due. You have summarily stopped doing that. I have had a text message saying my bill is overdue. How can I pay it?
U-phone: Have you tried the website?
Mr K: Several times.
U-phone: And?
Mr K: It said my password was wrong.
U-phone: Oh?
Mr K: Can you reset my password?
U-phone: I'm afraid the page is undergoing an upgrade at the present moment. Can you pay by credit card?
Mr K: I've tried.
U-phone: Was there an issue?
Mr K: Yes, it said the credit card I was attempting to use belonged to another user.
U-phone: Is it the right card?
Mr K: Yes, I only have one.
U-phone: Perhaps you would like to call back another day?
Mr K: I am trying to give you money!
U-phone: You wouldn't like to call back?
Mr K: No I would not like to call back. I would like to pay my bill, got it? Can you please give me an account number into which I can deposit the owed sum?
U-phone: A bank account number?
Mr K: Yes, a bank account number.
U-phone: Would you mind holding?
Mr K is placed on hold. The chorus of I See Red is still running. After some minutes, the "help"-line returns.
U-phone: Mr Kafka, I have that number for you. Mr Kafka? Mr Kafka, are you there . . . Mr Kafka?
•Simon Cunliffe is assistant editor at the Otago Daily Times.
