Thank you everyone for coming along to this excellent use of public spending.
As head of the Royal Commission of Inquiry into Covid-19, I shall investigate, and investigate fully, the claims of those who say the government’s handling of the Covid-19 crisis was a crime against humanity and was led by Jacinda Ardern who is not actually human but some sort of lizard with speech and hair extensions.
We will now hear from an authority on the subject, and indeed on a great many subjects, Heather du Plessis-Allan from Newstalk ZB. She wishes to put forward the argument that Jacinda Ardern should attend the inquiry.
"She’s making money off books and all sorts while many businesses here never recovered from lockdowns. Isn’t a little truth-telling in order?"
Thank you. That’s very helpful.
TUESDAY
We will now hear from someone with an audience of 15 people, down from 17 last week, but who has insisted on making his views heard and is indeed frothing at the mouth. Could someone please pass Ryan Bridge from Herald Now a tissue?
That’s better. Mr Bridge wishes to jump on the bandwagon about Jacinda Ardern attending the inquiry.
"I was one of just a handful of interviewers who grilled her on a weekly basis during this time period. I’m saving the best bits for a book one day, but there was image and stage control happening behind the scenes you wouldn’t believe."
Thank you. We cannot wait for the book. Will you write it?
WEDNESDAY
We will now hear, inevitably, from Stuff content provider Paddy Gower.
Mr Gower wishes to crush the Jacinda Ardern bandwagon beneath the weight of his polemic aimed at the lowest common denominator.
"How good would it be if Dame Jacinda Ardern fronted up to the Covid inquiry? It would be really good for New Zealand, in my opinion."
Thank you. God almighty. Are we done yet?
THURSDAY
We shall now hear from Voices for Freedom.
They signal they have very important information concerning the real figures of how many people died from Covid.
Data from the World Health Organisation shows there had been more than 7million Covid-19 deaths reported as of 22 June this year. What the hell do the WHO know about anything, contend Voices for Freedom, who stand before the Inquiry in a fetching array of tinfoil hats.
Thank you for coming today. Are you nervous? Is that froth? We have run out of tissues. Mr Bridge had great need.
Please compose yourself as best you can. Down to business. Many thousands of people around the world died, particularly in that early period, but do you dispute that?
"No doubt there were, as there are every year with flus and things like that, and yes, it might have been a particularly bad instance of that."
Thank you. Could someone please hand over a defibrillator? Or some heroin. I am losing the will to live.
FRIDAY
The Inquiry is pleased to announce that Jacinda Ardern says she will provide evidence to the second stage of the Royal Commission of Inquiry into Covid-19.
I shall investigate, and investigate fully, the decisions she made which helped to save the lives of an estimated 20,000 New Zealanders.
Such an outcome must never happen again. It won’t with this government.
By Steve Braunias
