Questions of fries in the morning, bean salad, and dental floss to go

I have so many questions. They whirl around my head like wasps under siege.

All of which makes me a questionable man.

But I don't care, these things are bigger than blood, they have to be dealt with.

Why on earth do McDonald's not serve fries until 10.30am? I mean, fries is what they do, burger, fries, McDonald's - these three words go together like Crosby Stills and Nash.

I am no big McDonald's eater, but occasionally when walking along town mid-morning, I feel compelled to quaff a pottle of hot fries and tomato sauce.

I seriously resent being told by a 15-year-old duty manager that they are still doing breakfast.

All Day Breakfast is the answer, son, and All Day Fries.

Somebody please pass a law.

It's like a car-yard not selling cars.

We are currently looking at cars, and my wife daftly decided she wanted a used European one, not being au fait with the joke, have you ever experienced a European bill? But if we were to go into a yard mid-morning and be told they only sold European cars after 2.30pm, do you really think these people would stay in business? Or even survive a shred of my wife's wrath? But let's not exclusively impugn McDonald's when evaluating the fast food giants.

As a bachelor in my early 20s, creating Duck Confit and Lobster Osso Bucco over a tiny gas stove, the yearn inevitably came for something a little less Michelin.

So when KFC announced they were opening in Andersons Bay Rd, I walked all the way out there and ate every damn thing they had.

All I liked was the bean salad.

It was divine.

The dressing was probably sugar mixed with sugar covered in sugar, but who wants to know how food is made? I don't.

And yet they took bean salad off the menu after only a few years.

I still go in and stare waif-like at the 15-year-old duty manager and ask if they have brought the bean salad back.

But they haven't.

Why? I could mention the questions I have over theatre, how they pack punters into a dark space and take them somewhere they have never been before, and then turn the lights on halfway through and yank everyone into the foyer to talk about real estate prices and grandchildren - movies did away with intervals when I was still in short pants - but I like theatre, so I won't say another word.

Or even why the Wellington Phoenix finished in the last four of the Australian League and then had to win three more games to finish in the last two.

That means they weren't semi-finalists, they were in the last sixteen.

Of four.

However, having been held captive in a Gold Coast hotel room being offered a time share, I can well understand how Australians think 16 equals 4.

But my questions surrounding dental floss dwarf all of the above.

A conventional dental floss leaves 80% of each piece unused.

This represents a level of wastage few rational thinkers could ever comprehend.

Were dental floss hand-sewn by the Mountain Women of Peru, it would be even more tragic, but it isn't, it peels off giant machines and is non-recyclable.

Now, anyone who has half a brain knows you should floss after every meal.

This is as obvious as not eating tractor tyres.

But at some point in the future, when those without half a brain are running around looking like the oldest characters in The Sopranos, with mouths like eyeless sockets, then the penny will drop, and everyone will be flossing.

And then you can forget your millions of plastic bottles floating in international waters, a mountain of dental floss the size of Jupiter will rise out of the ocean and simply end life as we know it.