Govt may be going a bridge too far: leak

Even with Stuart Nash given the old heave-ho, Cabinet is still leaking.So much so, that additional toilets are being installed adjacent to the Cabinet room at a cost of $500,000.

"Talk about spending a penny!" joked fresh-faced PM Hipkins hoping to lighten up the grim reality of yet another government secret being revealed by an as yet unnamed minister. The latest leak is a 10-page transcript of a discussion held about the proposal announced last week to build a second harbour crossing for Auckland ...

PM: "Of course, we can’t afford it but we must be seen to be doing something in election year. We propose five options including the usual suspects — bridges, tunnels, light rail, you know the system. Nothing need happen right away but I’m suggesting we confirm something, anything, by June this year. Good timing with the election due in October. Announcing the preferred option should pick up for us some of those pesky Auckland electorates held by National. Especially North Shore where we gave them a run for their money in 2020.

"No actual building needs to get under as we’ll say that the final decision on which option to build won’t be made until 2029. By then funding may not be our problem. In fact, we may all have found a proper job by then. Probably in the construction industry."[Laughter].

"But seriously, winning the election is a matter of convincing the voters that we are doing something for them and reaching out to help them as they face life’s problems. And let’s face it, driving around Auckland has made life pretty tough, especially for National supporters who never use buses. They’ll come to us like flies around the honeypot or bank managers at bonus time.

"Anything to add, Michael? Up your street, really, transport and Auckland. As Cabinet will recall we reinstated the Minister for Auckland portfolio at the beginning of this election year. Most New Zealanders regard Auckland as a dangerous foreign country so for you, Michael, it probably felt like getting a diplomatic post in the Ministry of Foreign Affairs." [Laughter].

Michael Wood (Minister of Transport and Minister for Auckland): "Well, thanks, Prime Minister. As you know I’m the member for South Roskill and National will never get that seat so I’m pretty relaxed. As for the new bridge, no-one in Roskill will be too worried about using it, but I’m happy to push the thing along if it helps the team. As you said. North Shore could be ours. The bridge thing could do it."

PM: "Great, Michael. Always good to have your enthusiasm and political nous behind us. Now, some of you may be a bit vague on the methodology behind the proposal. It’s all based on what we call the NDPH ploy and there’s a health angle there, so I’ll get Ayesha to say a few words."

Ayesha Verrall (Minister of Health): "Thank you, Prime Minster. The NDPH approach was put together by my predecessors but it works well. Basically, it involves announcing, preferably in election year, a major building project which the public have been crying out for for years. Ideally, it’s a project which the National government have ignored and so Labour take it up rather like the knight in shining armour caring for the people. [Applause]. It usually involves impossibly high costs and can be delayed with planning meetings, preliminary consultation with stakeholders, a few public meetings which may even be attended by the minister concerned.

It pays to set up some sort of committee to run the thing just to keep it out of Cabinet’s hair.

Well down the track, after time-consuming and money-saving delays with no actual spades in the ground, property purchases, archaeological digs, Maori burial grounds dealt with and environmental argy-bargy some building 
work can begin.

The ploy of using grandiose plans is useful as bits will have to be omitted in due course but you can always assure the public that the core purpose of the project is not compromised.

With the bridge scheme, for example, we may reduce the number of lanes.

Or it may become just a pedestrian bridge.

If the worst comes to the worst the unfinished bridge can remain as a symbol of our good intentions and that’s about the time we stop using the phrase ‘fit for purpose’.

The bridge to nowhere can then be something the National government will feel obliged to finish at suicidal expense and subsequent electoral defeat."

PM: "Thank you, Ayesha. That’s a brilliant analysis of how government policies reflect a sincere sense of caring for the people we are proud to represent.

Are you after my job?" [Laughter. Cheers. "Hear, Hear"].

[from the floor] "What the hell does NDPH stand for?"

PM: "New Dunedin Public Hospital." 

■Jim Sullivan is a Patearoa writer.