Effects of family violence on children shape nation’s future

Boys who witness their mothers’ abuse are more likely to be violent towards their female partners as adults. Photo: Getty Images

Family violence can be physical or psychological. Both leave lifelong scars in the mind and heart of children, writes Averil Pierce.

Every five minutes, police in New Zealand respond to a family violence incident. But 80% of incidents go unreported. Every year nine New Zealand children die as a result of family violence.

Children are the innocent victims of this insidious crime behind closed doors. Family violence occurs in many homes across this nation, and when it does, the adults often close ranks, shutting out those who can help, because they don’t want others to know their shame.

Children are told to keep it within the family and not talk about it to others, or are coached to tell a made-up story to excuse the bruises or broken bones. These same children, being taught to lie, also suffer beatings for lying to parents.

Family violence can be physical or psychological, and both leave lifelong scars in the mind and heart of the child.

Whether a child is the victim of family violence, or merely witnesses it occurring between adults, the effects are the same. The child’s brain is changed. They live in survival mode, where adrenaline and cortisol (stress hormones) flow excessively through the body, putting the child in a constant state of high alert.

Children who are exposed to physical violence become fearful and anxious. They are always on guard, watching and waiting for the next incident to occur. Never knowing what will trigger the abuse, they never feel safe. They often feel worthless or powerless. They worry for their safety, their mother, and their siblings. Children from abusive homes can seem fine on the outside, but inside they are in terrible pain, often blaming themselves for the abuse. They think, "If only I hadn’t". They may become angry themselves, as well as feeling shame or humiliation. They feel isolated and vulnerable. They crave attention, affection and approval. This can be observed in their behaviour at school, or other social situations. Because they so desperately need approval and affection, they may outwardly push others away when they try to get close.

When the brain goes into survival mode, due to the violence, the child will do what is necessary to survive, not necessarily what will work to have their needs met. Some will act out, some will withdraw, some will seek to please adults excessively. In school they may have a short attention span, and daydream often, resulting in poor learning.

Often they experience sleep disturbances, finding it difficult to go to sleep due to fear of another episode of violence, and once they go to sleep, it isn’t restful because the child is still on high alert. Bedwetting is often a problem due to the heightened anxiety, and often this is punished, increasing the anxiety in the child.

Some children complain of frequent stomach aches or headaches, again due to their anxiety produced by the violence, and often miss school. They may be violent themselves, in the playground, or even in the classroom when they are frustrated. Sometimes children will begin to self harm.

It is commonly agreed among professionals that children who are raised in abusive homes learn that violence is an effective way to resolve problems. These children repeat the violence they witnessed as children, in their adult relationships and parenting experiences. Boys who witness their mothers’ abuse are more likely to be violent towards their female partners as adults than boys raised in nonviolent homes. Girls grow to believe that threats and violence are the norm in relationships.

Children from violent homes have higher risks of alcohol/drug abuse, post traumatic stress disorder, and juvenile delinquency. Witnessing domestic violence is the single best predictor of juvenile delinquency and adult criminality.

How are the children in your family? In your neighbourhood? In your community?

Get to know your neighbours. Be there for each other. Support each other. If you are experiencing family violence, get help. You don’t need to endure this.

If you know a family who needs help, don’t stay silent. If you can’t help, call the police when you hear the violence occurring.

The final word goes to Dame Whina Cooper: "Take care of our children, take care of what they hear, take care of what they see, take care of what they feel, for how the children grow, so will the shape of Aotearoa."

- Averil Pierce is the chief executive of ChatBus, a Dunedin counselling network for children.