In my experience bullies crop up when we stand out. The more you stand out, the more they like to pull you down.
My first bully was in primary school. We shifted out to the country in standard 3 (year 5) and I was the new kid. Veronica (fake name) banned the kids in my class from being my friend. Later in school, once I’d found my place, she would deliberately steal my boyfriends by kissing them, a promiscuous trend that got her in strife in later years.
I dated bullies in high school and beyond.
I’ve had bruises, cracked ribs, but the injury that takes longest to heal is to your confidence.
What embarrasses me most when I look back is that I always wanted the bully to like me. I was convinced if I was as nice as possible to them, they’d like me back and stop hurting me.
I should have learnt my lesson at boarding school. Diedre (fake name) ruled our year at the hostel fiercely and me turning up part way through the year as an expellee threatened to steal some of her attention.
I was pretty disgruntled to be there and it was fair to say I didn’t really care what happened to me — in fact, a fight was welcome. I baited her on purpose, to hell with the consequences.
I wish I’d just taken the punch and smiled it off. But I didn’t. I went home with two black eyes, a fat lip and split knuckles.
She went home with a matching black eye and a newfound respect. When we came back from the holidays she wanted me to be her new best friend. For years I thought I’d won by fighting back.
But I didn’t. I played her game and made her like me. In reality I shouldn’t have cared what she thought. That would have been powerful and it would have infuriated her more.
Self-belief is an incredibly powerful asset to instil in your kids. It can stop bullies becoming bullies and help their victims stand up for themselves.
People find it surprising that I, known now for being loud and proud, and in the most wonderful relationship, have been in abusive relationships in the past. In each case it was the constant wearing down of my confidence that had the biggest impact, both drilled into me how embarrassing I was — for being too fat, loud, boring or stupid.
I’ve realised later in life that bullies are usually driven by a deep-set resentment of themselves and feel less threatened and bigger by putting you down.
What has prompted this article now? Recently at a networking function I was the subject of sexual harassment from a stereotypical bully. It has been a long time since I’ve been on the receiving end of such a blatant attack, and rather than light-hearted ribbing I saw it for what it was — a deliberate and calculated attempt to undermine and intimidate me.
In front of six other men, including one of my employees, a client and suppliers, they dared me to show them my tits. It was incredibly disrespectful. When I and the rest of the table asked him to apologise he refused, and said I should just laugh it off, that women can’t take a joke — "this is the problem with women in manufacturing".
It wasn’t a joke.
A few days later, after overcoming my conditioned social response to "not make a big deal" out of it, I lodged a formal compliant with his managing director. I felt compelled to ensure this attitude wasn’t something anyone else would experience at a work function or in his workplace.
Also that it wasn’t representative of the incredible culture and people we have in the manufacturing sector.
Several days later, I received an apology from the bully and an invitation to meet him for coffee to discuss the incident and how we might work together going forward.
Firstly, why would I ever want to sit down with this guy again? Secondly, where is the company’s policy on dealing with this kind of behaviour?
After rejecting his apology and replying to the managing director again to inquire about their sexual harassment and conduct policy, as well as suggesting counselling or at least training, I am pleased to say that I received a suitable response.
Reacting in the heat of the moment on the evening wasn’t going to work and was unlikely to have any lasting impact beyond his relationship with me. I suspect it would only have created more derisive gossip behind my back.
By handling it like an adult and using the correct governance channels, I hope that I may have saved another woman or future employee from being the victim of his bullying, through the implementation of better workplace policies.
As for worrying about my future relationship with the bully, I really don’t care — that’s his problem.
Bullies will use whatever ammunition they can get to pull you down. We can’t accept it in our workplaces, schools or communities.
Bullies are intimidating. Standing up in the moment can feel unsafe and you shouldn’t feel "bullied" into biting back. But after the fact, once you’ve got the space to be objective, do think about doing something formally about it.
While it didn’t help you in the moment, it will make a difference to someone else in the future.
• Sarah Ramsay is the chief executive of United Machinists.
