Like a slow puncture, the holiday season is expiring.
It's time to drain the last Plonk du Vacation, burp contentedly, and gird the loins for the year ahead. (If loin girding is still allowed, or is it not PC?)
Lately, while watering the pot plants, I've pondered the great truths discovered over a lifetime.
I think that this year these may prove of more value to you than me, because while I can preach wise advise, I seem incapable of following it.
At least, not until I've exhausted all other options. These ‘‘great truths'' are offered in no special order. As there is no such thing as new advice, you may think they contain the occasional plagiarism. You are possibly correct.
1. The worst truth we endure is life's unfairness. The lucky sods who are in the right place at the right time, scoop the chocolate fish. This wrong is hard to right. But I do suggest you ensure you're not at the airport when your ship comes in.
2. In 2016 we will mess up. We will fall flat on our beaming dials. There is a brand new golden rule the cocker-upper must absorb. Confess to God, never to Facebook. It turns out God forgives, but Facebook does not.
3. Of course there is a God. If not, who turns on the light in the fridge? And who pops up the next Kleenex? Huh?
4. Try to be the person your dog thinks you are.
5. Don't be snowed by those who write business books detailing how their foresight made them rich. Success is only ever guaranteed after it happened. These tossers actually had no idea how it would all work out. Hindsight rules in capitalism, too.
6. Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb about. While you have the right to remain stupid, this is a privilege too many people take advantage of.
7. Yes, yes, we are special. We are unique. Just like everyone else is.
8. Fortunately, half the people we know are below average.
9. We should learn to be more tolerant of other fools' stupidity; of the crass idiocy, dumbo duncery, and bovine brainlessness of those who disagree with us.
To learn to be more forgiving of fools is a Very Good Thing. (Bless you, nice person). But approach your new liberalism with proper caution. If you become too open-minded your brains may fall out.
10. Never carry a rabbit's foot for good luck. You can be certain yours came from an unlucky rabbit.
11. Egotism is a case of mistaken nonentity. This is a truth that seems self-evident. But then again, we have Donald Trump.
12. Times have changed in Australia. Frankly, Kiwis are now seen as a touch dodgy, and aren't so welcome.
When visiting Kings Cross, or shoplifting at David Jones, wear your Sunday best, and carry a Bible. Otherwise you may be sent home on the next flight.
13. Beware of Chinese tourists ‘‘driving'' rental cars, and give way to the right - but know that life presents far greater hazards than the open road.
Falling in love, for example. This is downright dangerous. The injury rate exceeds 50%, and people rarely wear their seatbelts.
14. Change your mind at least twice a month. This keeps it fresh, and in better working order.
15. (For writers). Always avoid alliteration. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. Avoid cliches like the plague.
16. Eat your greens. Mother knew best.
I've run out of wisdoms at number 16. Perhaps the last point is the one you should take the most note of.
● John Lapsley lives in Arrowtown.
