Christmas is just a few overs away, so it's time the fatheads who run sport finally do their job and codify the rules of back-yard cricket, John Lapsley writes.
We all know the match of the year isn't played at Lord's. It's contested in the back yard at Mum's each December 25 - the day the extended family assembles and pads up for the annual bout of grudge and gaiety.
Back-yard cricket is international. The game is much the same in Sydney as in Dunedin. Perhaps the Aussie family bats a little deeper, but to balance that, our Labradors are better fielders.
The rules are on my mind because I've just read a very good book lent by Chris James, a golf buddy. Written by an Aussie lawyer turned surfing writer (yes, I know), The Rules of Backyard Cricket is a thriller about two brothers whose rivalry gets deadlier as they graduate from dodgy tricks at Mum's to bouncers, bookies and the big time. Think the Waugh twins run amok.
Writing up the "Official Rules of Back-yard Cricket'' is an easy job for the International Cricket Council. All they need do is type up the game's established traditions - everyone knows them - put in the full stops and commas, and Howzat!
Rule 1. The pitch shall be any strip around two-thirds the length of the family yard. It is preferably at least two bat lengths from the Hill's hoist.
Rule 2. The stumps are a standard rubbish bin, stabilised by ice and beer. While a wheelie bin is too big and easy to hit, it's fine when the other cousins are batting.
Rule 3. The bat may be a Gray-Nicolls, but any swingable length of wood does.
Rule 4. The official ball is a tennis one at least five sets old. (The ICC has yet to respond to the LBGTQ Cricket Club's petition for different balls.) Where the tennis ball has been soaked in a puddle or esky, the bowler shall, prior to delivery, hold it high and announce: "Honest, it's made no difference.''
Rule 5. The dog is an ungovernable force, and shall represent both sides. The batsman may continue running while the dog growls and refuses to give the Slazenger back to the bowler. But the batter is out should Spot catch it on the full, or trip him/her up running between wickets.
Rule 6. The batsman may be caught first bounce where the catch is taken one-handed. (Provided the second hand holds a sausage, chardonnay or chicken thigh). The one-hand rule also applies to rebounds off roofs, garden sheds and snoozing nannas.
Rule 7. The batter shall score a six but also be out, should the ball be hit on the full over the neighbour's fence. If the ball lands amid such neighbours' lunch, a drinks break may be taken on either property.
Rules 8-9. Tip 'n Run rules apply to all but batters with "Great'' or "Grand'' preceding their familial title. Snicks into the garage wall are deemed caught in slips. (The garage has never missed a snick.)
Rule 10. The length of an over is two balls from the moment someone eventually asks: "Would that be your sixth ball, Charles?''
Rules 11-15. No player gets out first ball. There are no lbws, unless a sister has batted a selfishly long period. The sad uncle trying to prove he was a fast bowler shall be indulged, for tomorrow he will suffer. And the child who bawls and refuses to give up his bat shall be patted on the head and then bowled bumpers for the purpose of character building.
Rule 16. The WAGS law. Rule 25 (legal bowling actions) does not apply to WAGS, who are cajoled into making up numbers with flattery like: "Lovely bowling - that's nearly overarm'', "Almost a great catch!'' and "Damn, that would have bowled Kane Williamson too''.
WAGS will pretend they care, and show amused tolerance. But only to a point. They know we owe them, and they know they will collect.
Rule 17. Who wins? That's only known if some pedantic cousin counts. The match is deemed a completed draw if: all have batted; the majority drifts off; someone smacks the dog-slop ball into Mum's clean washing; the ham has come out of the oven.
John Lapsley is an Arrowtown writer.
