For the first time in longer than I can remember I am not studying and not working a day job.
I realised this afternoon that for the past four or five years, I have either been studying or working fulltime. This has meant I haven't really had any serious time to myself to work on the things I enjoy most.
Since I finished study in October, I have been through a process. For the first little while after finishing my honours degree I felt an intense post-study guilt. Every time I did nothing, or tried to do something silly and fun, I felt as though I should be doing something else.
Of course, when I felt like I should be doing something else, every time I did something it became difficult to do much at all, and so I spent a lot of time in bed doing nothing for so many hours every day. It has taken me until now to fully rid myself of that feeling, but fortunately I am now capable of enjoying myself guilt-free.
Currently, I am really enjoying myself. I'm riding on the back of three very productive weeks and pushing myself to make it a month of non-stop productivity.
Now I've finished my degree, I remember I do actually enjoy reading for purposes other than study. There was a time when I was questioning whether I did like reading, and I wondered if I had managed to get through an entire English degree without properly considering how I felt about books. Fortunately, it turns out I do like reading and I will do it voluntarily when I'm not mired in a pit of compulsory readings.
Not only am I reading again, but I'm also able to focus on my creative interests. Over the past few weeks I have been writing again, and I've even tried my hand at making music, both alone and with people I've never played with before.
It's refreshing and entirely indulgent to spend three whole days in my comfiest clothes, crouched on my bedroom floor recording sad versions of One Direction songs. I've never allowed myself such a decent slot of time to devote to just one thing, and now I have a taste for it, it's going to be hard to give up.
Unfortunately, this kind of lifestyle is unsustainable when you're not a wealthy socialite. There is a dark cloud looming over my quality time, and it embodies anxieties linked to looking for a job, having enough money to eat, and stressing about paying rent between now and starting my postgraduate study next year.
As my pitiful savings account rapidly depletes, I lament the cruel capitalist system that keeps us from spending all our time doing the things we enjoy most. I am also considering how much of a breach of my feminist principles it would be to marry someone exceedingly wealthy so I can live this life all the time, but minus the massive money-related stress.
I think, however, this short stint of leisurely unemployment might have taught me that I need to live a more balanced lifestyle. I don't have any children, or anyone counting on me to provide for them, and so when I do have down-time I am privileged enough to spend it doing the things I want to.
I enjoy studying and working, but often I let them be the only two activities I devote any time to. Now I think I might have spent enough time enjoying myself to realise I should feel this happy and productive all the time.
●Millie Lovelock is a Dunedin student.
