A key rule of economics is that incentives shape human behaviour for better or worse.
I am starting to like the idea of performance pay for teachers.
I have taught for over 20 years.
I have authored textbooks in my subject and been a lecturer for beginning teachers in commerce.
I think a merit-based system of pay would suit me.
On the first day of my teacher training, over 20 years ago, the lecturer asked us why we wanted to teach.
Many of my fellow students had noble ideals such as wanting to make a difference or share their passion for learning.
One lady even said she liked children.
I said I wanted long holidays.
But if my pay depended on my performance my attitude would certainly change.
I teach economics, which is an option that pupils can choose to take.
If performance pay was introduced, the first thing I would do is restrict those pupils who could take my subject.
There will be no low achievers or slackers taking my subject if it costs me money.
This shouldn't be a problem as the guy who teaches geography is a nice chap and still believes that all pupils can succeed, so he can pick up the leftovers.
I feel a bit sorry for those who teach core subjects such as English because they have to teach everyone, but that's their problem for spending their university days reading poetry, drinking cheap cask wine and smoking dubious cigarettes.
There is little point in teaching the less able children if my pay packet depends on exam results.
I'll leave that to the idealistic first-year teachers who believe they can make a difference.
I will drill my pupils in what they need to know for the exams.
It is pretty simple as NCEA exams are relatively consistent each year.
I would demand that pupils give priority to homework in my subject otherwise they will face endless detentions.
I will focus exclusively on the exams.
There is no point in teaching pupils about financial literacy and how to manage money if this is not going to improve their marks and my pay.
Show me the money! I love incentives.
Under merit pay I have a great opportunity to be one of the highest-paid teachers in New Zealand.
I will get my NCEA pupils to do endless resits of internal assessments until they get it right.
I will make them rote learn the answers for the exam until they can repeat them in their sleep.
Any pupil unable to perform this simple cognitive task will be withdrawn from sitting the exam to maintain my excellent pass rates.
Nothing will be allowed to interfere with my desire to be the best teacher south of Tokyo.
I will earn my nickname of "Monotony Lyons."
I am fortunate to work in a department with innovative and sharing teachers.
It's great working with caring and sharing types and for some reason, there seems to be a lot of them in teaching.
They tell me about the exciting learning activities they are doing with their pupils.
Each week when I visit the principal to talk about my successes, I will tell him about these innovative teaching methods that I am running with my pupils.
There is little point in being fantastic in the classroom if no-one knows about it.
Each school assembly, notices will be read out announcing that I am running yet another extracurricular activity.
I may have to invent a few imaginary clubs, but that doesn't matter so long as people are aware of the vast extent of my contributions to the wider life of the school.
I teach at a Catholic boys' school.
I could set up an Islamic prayer group or a cross-stitching club. That would ensure few attendees and little extra work.
I teach the Cambridge International Examinations system.
This is an English franchise that some schools have adopted because of concerns about NCEA.
This system allows pupils to resit at midyear the following year if they are unhappy with their results.
I would insist that all pupils taking my subject must do a resit to improve their previous year's results.
This should ensure the cash flows my way.
When exam results are announced at the start of each year and my pupils do the best, I will humbly rise to my feet in the staffroom.
I will quietly and sincerely announce with suitable humility that examination success is largely the result of pupil application and ability combined with excellent teaching.
Such success can only be the result of 100% application by teacher and pupil.
I do a fine line in humility when the occasion requires and money is on the line.
Merit pay for teachers?
Bring it on!
• Peter Lyons is an Auckland secondary teacher who claims he would be motivated by pecuniary gain.
