In 2012, more than 100,000 New Zealand children witnessed family violence and statistics suggest more than a third of New Zealand women will experience physical or sexual violence from an intimate partner in their lifetime. The stressors which trigger family violence are often heightened during the holiday period. Timothy Brown speaks to a victim of family violence and finds out what you can do to curb the problem.
What ended in terror started just like any other relationship.
Renee met a man, who was polite, gentle and kind. But he was hiding a secret - a secret which would reveal itself with frightening consequence.
Renee was aware he had acrimonious relationship with his previous partner and that she had taken a protection order against him. But he played down the situation and told Renee it was because of spite.
''He's very, very manipulative,'' she says.
''He knows how to play the system.''
They started dating several years ago and a child followed.
What came next, however, was not part of the fairy tale Renee was expecting.
The abuse she received - physical and mental - was so gradual, so persistent, she was almost unaware of how bad it had become.
''I think when you live it every day and it's gradual, you don't really tend to notice it until it's so deep that you don't know how to get out,'' Renee said.
''By that stage, they have controlled your life so much that you actually believe that if they did go that you won't cope, or if they did go, they would take the kids away from you.''
The stigma which she felt still surrounded victims made her situation more difficult, she said.
''A lot of people just don't understand.
''There's not a lot of empathy with a lot of people. They don't know the situation, so they don't understand and a lot of people just don't want to understand.
''They think you should pack your stuff and leave. It's not that simple. You have to find a window and an opportunity.''
The apathy extended to those closest to her former partner.
''His friends would take me aside and say 'you know he shouldn't treat you that way and it's really disgusting he treats you that way', but they wouldn't say anything to him,'' Renee said.
''They sat there and they watched it. That made me really angry.''
The day Renee had enough came with startling consequences for herself and her children.
''The day I left ... he smashed my house and stuff and was shouting at me and my son and he had slapped me around,'' she said.
He would not let her leave with her son, and the toddler was the ultimate victim, she said, as he witnessed it all.
Her partner's mother was called and drove the pair to safety, but Renee's nightmare continued as she applied for a protection order and found his mother disputed her every word.
At one point, she faced the prospect of recounting her abuse in a courtroom with him present.
His control continued long after the relationship ended.
''I get very anxious because I don't know what he will do,'' she said.
''We are on edge all the time. It's highly stressful and you run around on adrenaline quite a bit.
"From the moment you wake up you need to be aware of every noise. But then you can't put across that fear to your children, because if you get scared they get scared.''
His endless breaches of the protection order resulted in his imprisonment, but not the end of her fear, she said.
''There's alway the chance that he could get bail and if he gets bail is he going to be gunning for me?''
She had advice for anyone who found themselves in a similar situation.
''If you feel it's not right, then it's not right,'' she said.
''If they know it's not right, reach out to someone, whether it's an organisation or someone you trust.
''I know from being in that situation it's hard to know who to trust, but having a support person is always really good.''
• Renee's real name has been concealed for her protection.
Signs of family violence
• Jealous and possessive behaviour - such behaviour shows domination and control by one person over another, not love.
• Stalking - this is serious. Someone who stalks another person shows that they cannot let them go or respect their wish to be left alone.
• Fear - it is a serious danger sign if the victim of family violence or their children are fearful.
• Threats to kill - threatening to kill someone may lead to murder, or attempted murder, and needs to be taken seriously.
How to help
What you should do when you or someone you know is confronted by family violence:
• Challenge the behaviour - but never put your own or others' safety at risk.
• Offer to support the victim or child and find out what they need.
• Make your home a safe place for them and a place they can come if they need to talk.
• Call the police on 111 if you believe someone is in danger.
• Call the It's not OK information line on 0800 456 450 for advice.
• Provide information anonymously to the organisation Crimestoppers on 0800 555 111.
For more information go to areyouok.org.nz
Where to get help
• Jigsaw Wakatipu 0508 440 255
• Rape Crisis 474-1592
• Shine 0508 744 633
• Victim Support 0800 842 846
• Women's Refuge 477-1229
