Bronwyn Heslop has a simple approach to dealing with stress: "If in doubt, breathe out. The out breath is really powerful."
She is one of two female Royal New Zealand Navy commanders who have faced scrutiny in recent times. Commander Heslop has been in the spotlight recently after an unknown source last year leaked to media there was a military police investigation into alleged offending by her.
The other, Commander Yvonne Gray, has been the target of online hate speech about her gender and sexuality after her ship, HMNZS Manawanui, sank in Samoan waters due to undisclosed causes.
Defence Minister Judith Collins described the attacks on Cmdr Gray as a "deeply concerning, misogynistic narrative".
Cmdr Heslop, 53, sailed out of Dunedin in 1998 as New Zealand’s first female captain. Last week, she returned to the city at the helm of HMNZS Canterbury, having completed Operation Endurance, a multi-agency conservation mission to the subantarctic islands.
The mission’s name could have been a reference to her own endurance as a military leader.
She has "zero tolerance" for sexism on her ship, saying the navy is really trying for equity.
"I know what my character is and don’t really care about my reputation any more. What people say about me is none of my concern ... whoever is leaking stuff to the media, they don’t know who I am."
Sexism was still a problem in the navy, she said; one that had impacted her in the past.
"Misogyny still exists ... I have experienced it. It is still there. At the more junior levels it is not as bad. It is as you get more senior. It is political. It is competitive."
But she does not think it is limited to the military.
"I think it is the same in corporations."
Describing the navy as a "life less ordinary", Cmdr Heslop lives by the navy’s values — tu kaha (courage), tu tika (commitment), tu maia (integrity) and tu tira (comradeship). On board, it is hard not to know them — they are written in giant red letters on the ship’s internal stairwell walls.
She has needed courage and commitment in her career. A navy recruitment form she picked up as a teenager said it was only for men. She applied anyway and got accepted. Later, when wanting to start a family, she asked for a shore job and was told there was none.
She left, had two children, rejoined and continued to climb the ranks.
On board HMNZS Canterbury earlier this month there were 216 military personnel, their average age was 23 and 49 (23%) were women.
For nearly a decade, a plan — Operation Respect — has aimed to recruit and retain more women by eliminating discrimination, and an audit of its success is being led by the auditor-general in May. A key concern, raised two years ago in a previous audit, was the need to build trust in reporting inappropriate and harmful behaviours.
Some young navy women onboard HMNZS Canterbury reported they had experienced sexist behaviour by a minority of military men, including being overlooked in professional discussions when there was more than one man in the room. One woman reported an incident of public shaming through name calling.
There is significant support on the ship, from both men and women, for their commander and female leadership.
Kae Castillo, a female army signaller on board, described women military leaders as a "breath of fresh air".
"It helps give a sense of inspiration, reassurance and comfort knowing that, as females, we are capable to sit at a higher place and achieve greater things ... At the end of the day, we are still soldiers under Ngāti Tū Matauenga [Tribe of the God of War]."
In the bowels of HMNZS Canterbury, just two of the 20 engineers are female. Despite the ratio, one of them, Amy Turner, described her trade as "gender neutral" and said Cmdr Heslop "created a welcoming and inviting environment".
All five heads of department — the officers immediately below Cmdr Heslop — are men.
One, operations manager Jack Walters, wears his long hair tied in a bun, describing it as an example of "gender-neutral grooming standards". He described his boss as "fantastic, caring, genuine, interested" and "wanting the best for her crew".
Cmdr Heslop practises "non-negotiable" yoga and meditation for at least 30 minutes daily, and says it brings calm to her leadership.
During Operation Endurance, she led a one-off, 6am sun-salutation session in the massive cargo deck hangar, shouting instructions over the roaring engines.
When asked to share a moment of pride, Cmdr Heslop chose to describe a small thing.
A sublieutenant in the mid-1990s, she joined a training day on a ship and found she was the only woman among 250 men. The task was "rescuing" volunteers from a nearby town who arrived by small boats.
"A woman came up to me and was mortified. Her daughter had just got her first period. I radioed my ship and said ‘There is a box of pads in my cabin. Can they please be put on a boat and brought over?’. It was a simple thing and I know young women in the navy would do the same now."
She remembers tough times while working her way through the ranks, including being the last person on the bridge, navigating Foveaux Strait, repeatedly vomiting from seasickness and then being told off for not saluting a male officer.
"Knowing what I know, there is no way I would treat someone like that."
A female sailor had then offered sympathy, tea and toast, and she had burst into tears.
"Someone was nice, and, oh my God, that memory has stayed."
