Setting the standards

Photo: Getty.

Having standards to live by, is part of having a solid personal foundation, Jan Aitken writes.

Jan Aitken

In the last Personal Foundation column (The Weekend Mix, August 5) we looked at boundaries. To recap, boundaries are imaginary lines that you draw around yourself to define how you want to be treated.

Boundaries are about what others can and cannot do to you or around you. Your boundaries act as a filter and either permit, or not, certain people, behaviours or situations to enter your defined ‘‘space’’. Like most things in life there’s a flip side to boundaries: in this instance it’s your standards.

Standards are about how you choose to speak and act towards and around others.

If you take a moment to think about how boundaries and standards relate to each other you’ll begin to see that they should be fairly similar. How you expect to be treated (boundaries) is how you should be prepared to treat others (standards). Anything different would be a double standard or hypocritical. I’m sure most of us can think of someone who falls into this category. Having double standards doesn’t tend to make you many friends!

So what are your standards? What behaviour do you hold yourself to. How do you treat and speak to others? Is it how you like to be spoken to and treated?

Some examples of standards might be

• always paying bills on time.

• not bad-mouthing others behind their back.

• arriving on time to meetings, work or social functions.

• choosing to be helpful.

• doing what you say you’ll do.

• putting people and relationships ahead of results.

• being positive or constructive.

• allowing others to be right (not always having to have the last word!).

• taking responsibility for what happens in your life (good or bad), understanding that what you do and how you act influences your outcomes and those of other people.

Are you happy with the standards you hold yourself to or could they be higher? Do they match your boundaries? If they don’t, what do you need to do to make sure that they do?

Raising your standards doesn’t have to be hard, you’re not aiming for sainthood just a match between your boundaries and how you’re prepared to treat others.

Are there any other standards you want to incorporate into your life?

Standards are a choice. You choose what they are, so accept they might be different to someone else’s. You can’t hold others to your standards, you can, however, make sure your boundaries are clear and you stick to your standards.

Standards aren’t something to be lorded over others, you don’t have standards to prove you’re a more superior person than someone else. Like boundaries they are not meant to be used as a weapon.

Avoid setting standards because it will "get you something or somewhere". That’s manipulative and about personal gain, not about being the best you can be.

Like boundaries, be consistent in maintaining your standards. It can get really confusing for everybody if you’re not!