You are a passenger on board the Queen Elizabeth cruise ship and you have already done New York, San Francisco, Honolulu and Auckland. Now what would it take to persuade you to disembark at the log wharf at Port Chalmers, in the rain? Mark Price joined the Queen Elizabeth for a few days recently to get first-hand experience of how Dunedin and Port Chalmers present themselves to the increasingly important cruise ship passenger market.
Otago Harbour was clothed with drizzle and mist as Queen Elizabeth cruised into Port Chalmers a week or two ago.
Drawing back the curtains in our "stateroom" (with balcony) we watched Taiaroa Head slide gently by, and then reached for our warmest summer clothing as the 21-storey, 100,000 tonne cruise liner sidled up to the log wharf.
After leaving Wellington, the ship had sailed through the night and arrived, said the captain, in "O-tay-go" just a little bit late, due to the weather.
For passengers considering going ashore in Dunedin, information about the city's attractions flew into their staterooms from every direction.
The telly gave quite a good 15-minute account of Dunedin's reason for being - the only real faux pas the picture of an unfamiliar stadium with a baseball diamond being shown while Dunedin's strong interest in sport was described.
In the plush Shore Excursions book in our stateroom - containing details of 41 ports Queen Elizabeth would call at on its 107-night world cruise - Dunedin got just as much space as Monte Carlo, New York and Pago Pago.
The two Dunedin pages promoted four tours - a Dunedin Highlights tour, the Taieri Gorge Scenic Railway, Wildlife Discovery Cruise and a "Bonnie Dunedin" encounter with First Church, Robert Burns, Glenfalloch, haggis, tea, scones and muffins.
The ship's daily Port of Call guide added more detailed information about Dunedin activities - everything you would expect, from the beer and chocolate tours to the museums and art galleries.
And with the captain adding his two bob's worth over the intercom, it could rightly be said no-one on board could have been untouched by the Dunedin marketing message.
As a result, of the ship's 1900 passengers, 382 chose the train, 185 went for the highlights, 89 for the wildlife and 43 for the bonnie Dunedin.
While passengers waited to go ashore, they were issued with red and white Cunard umbrellas and as they contemplated the steady rain and the wet gangway leading to the wet wharf, I overheard an Otago official exclaiming somewhat defensively: "Well it is a working port."
Not sure what the question was. Probably something about the lack of facilities for keeping passengers dry.
Fresh from their luxury beds in luxury staterooms, and after their silver-service breakfasts, the passengers joined the queue for the train, in the rain, between the puddles on the log wharf.
Others streamed towards a goods shed where their tour buses were waiting in the dry.
And somewhere else there were free shuttle buses heading into Dunedin.
Despite the rain and the clutter of umbrellas and overcoats, the transfer of passengers from ship to city appeared well-practised and relatively seamless.
As the only Dunedin locals on board, we chose not to visit Dunedin but take a passengers'-eye view of Port Chalmers, from beneath our umbrellas.
We passed a shipping container on the wharf where there were pamphlets, souvenirs and a man busy with a computer. Scrawled across one door was a handwritten list of "what to see and do" in Port Chalmers, including a visit to the supermarket and "craft shops etc".
The 700 passengers on the train and buses were already gone - committed to tours bypassing Port Chalmers.
Still on board ship though were hundreds more passengers who might have been persuaded to swipe their plastic identification card and leave the ship for a wander in the rain - if there had been a good reason.
It is a very short walk to the Port Chalmers main street from where the cruise ships tie up but in the half-hour or so we spent there we saw fewer than half a dozen other passengers.
While Dunedin tourist operators were busy making hay from the Queen Elizabeth visit, the little port town on the front line of the growing cruise ship invasion appeared to be missing out.
We found ourselves the only customers in a craft shop, the only browsers at the second-hand bookshop, the only window shoppers at the jewellery store.
Only the Careys Bay pub seemed have any real signs of life.
From a cruise ship perspective, Port Chalmers looked like a business opportunity in waiting.
Take one small example.
On board the Queen Elizabeth, you can drink as much free coffee as you like - but it is all filter coffee.
Julia, from London, returning to the ship from her Dunedin tour remarked: "Flat white coffee at Mash - best coffee we've had since England."
The fact that you can also get a very fine cup of coffee in the main street of Port Chalmers, within strolling distance of the ship, is information that did not filter through to us as passengers on Queen Elizabeth.
And neither did word of the eccentric offerings of the jewellery shop in the main street or the organ recital at Iona Church.
We did see mention of the Maritime Museum - but with ports a prime place for maritime museums, is it enough to say the one at Port Chalmers is "full of models of ships and artefacts"?
Some passengers will seek out hidden charms wherever they go, but most of those on Queen Elizabeth did not make the effort to explore Port Chalmers and it also seemed as if Port Chalmers was not making a great effort to persuade them.
Anywhere else in the world, you might expect a small town with 200,000 tourists arriving on the doorstep every year to have an entrepreneur or two interested in winning a slice of the cake.
And, that reminds me, are we not world famous for cheese rolls?
If only those passengers had known that.
Rain or no rain, they would have been down that gangway ...
Cruising
Cruise ship visits to Port Chalmers
• The cruise ship season runs from October to April.
• In 2011-2012, 135,000 passengers and 60,000 crew are expected.
• At least 80% of passengers generally disembark.
• About 50% of crew disembark.
• Passengers are estimated to spend $125, on average, while ashore.
• Visitor's log
There are no holes to be picked in the Queen Elizabeth. It is a beautifully appointed, spotlessly maintained ocean liner enhanced, as the brochure says, by "Art Deco flourishes". It ranks second only in the Cunard line-up to the Queen Mary II, due in New Zealand waters next year.
It is run by seemingly ever-cheerful and tolerant staff and the food is great.
And then there are the other passengers. During our brief trip across the Tasman I got the impression they were not so much the idle rich as the retired well-to-do with a lifetime of hard work behind them.
So what did these mainly English, American and German passengers make of their visit to Port Chalmers on a day of low cloud and continuous drizzle?
THE GOOD
Sue and Joe, Arizona: "The Sports Hall of Fame deserves more publicity. The highlight was the bowl of chowder and warm bread at The Best Restaurant."
Gregory, Canberra: "Time ashore limited. All is good."
Katharine, California: "Dunedin highlights tour guide was wonderful. No time to shop."
Sarah: "Absolutely fabulous. Saw penguins, seals and albatross. Highlight - the little chap who played the bagpipes in the pouring rain."
Carol, Christchurch: "Cadbury had an exceptionally good tour guide."
Margaret, Sydney: "Wonderful friendly people."
Jack and Charlotte, Saguenay: "Free shuttle between Dunedin and Port Chalmers greatly appreciated."
Joy, Stourbridge: "The art gallery was excellent."
Ruth, Miami: "[Dunedin] is a nice little country town and there's nothing more to it. I don't think you should titivate it up just for tourists."
Julia and Sandra, Southampton: "Hop on, hop off bus."
THE BAD
Sharon, Shropshire: "There did not seem to be much liaison between the train and the ship. Many people were soaking wet before we had even started the journey. Unfortunately, we were unable to go into Dunedin as the train was late departing."
Mike, Martinborough: "Most negative aspect - trying to persuade a taxi to take me to Careys Bay. I am disabled."
Lynda, Portishead: "Unable to take train tour, as fully booked. Friendly, helpful people."
Maureen, London: "Coach broke down outside Olveston. If I had known the train was such fun, I would have chosen this tour."
George, Ontario: "Dunedin highlights tour very poor for the price of $US58 ($NZ70) each. The tour bus malfunctioned."
Nita, Ontario: "I don't think Dunedin really cared about our visit. Other places did, such as Pago Pago and Fiji. Give us time to shop."
Rosalind, California: "Wish I could have got off the train to visit the gorgeous railroad station."
Andrew, Stourbridge: "Our visit to Dunedin could have been improved by having the information supplied at the quayside and on board ship a few days earlier."
Rose, Hossegor: "We would have appreciated being able to taste famous New Zealand wines."
Helmut, Dachau: "Entrance to Cadbury is too expensive."
Gordon, Troon: "Our visit could have been improved with more written information in advance."
THE UGLY
Anon: "The port needs basic services for tourists - toilets, internet, phones, covered tents, cultural events. Give us something worthwhile to purchase besides souvenirs from China."
Jacqueline, New Orleans: "Dunedin could have a better welcome centre at the cruise terminal in Port Chalmers."
• Mark Price was hosted on board the Queen Elizabeth by Cunard Line.
