I know my audience.
I know your tastes, and I know that despite your pretensions of being liberal minded arty types who buy free range fair trade knitted woollen sustainables, what you really like more than anything is looking at naked people.
You've been caught out.
The most popular stories on the Otago Daily Times website for the last week were not well thought out John Pilger pieces about the Middle East, nor were they deep and thoughtful news stories about Government issues.
No.
They had the following headlines: "Nude Blacks Lose to Spanish Ladies"; "Saucy Senoritas to take on Nude Blacks"; and "Nude Blacks lose to Spanish challengers", all stories about Dunedin's nude rugby team and a bunch of attractive young ladies from Spain.
There were pictures, and videos, and the three stories that featured those saucy senoritas were one, two and three on the list of the most popular, with a hard-hitting local government exclusive written by one of this newspaper's most talented journalists just managing to squeak in at number four.
Therefore, let's take a look at this week's featured show in the style most of you would clearly prefer.
Next Saturday, at 9.30pm on the Living Channel, the elderly, but handsome and lithe Sir Trevor McDonald, a man who remains clothed during the show but would look terrific in the nuddy, I'm sure, introduces the sexy programme The Secret Mediterranean.
Sir Trevor is, of course a Trinidadian-British newsreader and journalist notable for being the first black newsreader in the United Kingdom, and for having won more awards than any other broadcaster.
But that won't interest you people, because we're talking the Mediterranean, and that means sexy men and women shedding their kit and frolicking naked in the warm, seductive waters.
Sir Trevor gently slides us on to the deck of the luxury ship Christina O, much loved by the likes of the Kennedys, Marilyn Monroe, Frank Sinatra and Winston Churchill.
Marilyn Monroe, I hear you say? Phhwwoaaaar!The Kennedys?
They had a history, eh? Eh? (nudge nudge).
Of course luxury yachts and bikini-clad stars of yesteryear are only the start of the saucy fare on the sexy series The Secret Mediterranean.
After leaving the seaside, Sir Trevor takes us to Turkey, a country loved by the lascivious, lewd and lustful.
There, we delve into the raunchy, ribald sport of camel wrestling, where huge, drooling camels are driven into a lustful fury by female camels in heat (I'm not making this up) and sent into the ring with other males for an all-in brawl.
Enjoy this saucy outing.
The Secret Mediterranean is just the sort of show you people should love.
