Karen Saks is not an unattractive woman.
But after some consideration, I have decided not to travel to South Africa, woo, and then marry her.
I just think the baboons would get in the way.
Also, remarkably, she already has a boyfriend, called John.
Karen and John have decided, we discover on the Documentary Channel's Baboon Woman (July 7, 9.30pm) not to have children.
Why? Because Karen already acts as mother to 13 monkeys and an orphaned baboon.
"I can't go out of their sight," she says.
"You just go to the bathroom and they will start screaming with separation anxiety."
It takes little imagination to bring to mind the noise that would be created by 13 monkeys and one orphaned baboon screaming at the top of their little lungs, suffering the uniquely disagreeable affliction that is separation anxiety.
It takes little imagination, too, to bring to mind the uniquely disagreeable affliction 14 screaming primates would bring to one's social life.
I'm not just talking about a quick trip to the loo in the middle of the night.
A quick trip to the loo during a visit, for instance, by an elderly aunt, would turn a pleasant cup of tea with scones into the worst sort of cacophonous social tragedy.
There are other issues that would keep me away from Saks' home, if not the entire neighbourhood.
Baboons are a powerful primate with 8cm fangs that rival those of a lion.
They are renowned for their wily nature, and - elderly aunts and passing leopards be warned - they are not afraid to charge at humans for food, and kill leopards when under threat.
Karen's relationship with baboons began in 1992 when she came across a distressed baby clinging to its mother's dead body.
She took the baby home, and in something of an affront to natural selection, called it Darwin.
She managed to become accepted by a troop of wild baboons living in the forest, and learned more than 40 different baboon "words", presumably allowing her to undertake rudimentary conversations.
None of those conversations, evidently, managed to communicate the concept: "I'm going to the toilet. I'll be back in a minute. Don't become anxious while I'm away."
Sadly for the baboons, they are an unpopular bunch, and are killed in their thousands.
"Even nature conservation officials hate baboons," we are told.
But Karen, who unsurprisingly lives on "the fringes of human society", is out to change all that.
"I would say I'm more likely to trust baboons than humans," she says.
Which is all well and good; just don't invite her round for afternoon tea.
