St Kevin’s College, year 13
Thud, thud, thud.
I rock from left to right in my chair, feeling comforted as a baby would being cradled to sleep.
Sway, sway, sway.
I peel my skin from the leather surface that is now sticky from my sweat.
Sudden waves of nervousness sweep up my stomach like a wave would at a beach.
The gentle feeling acts as a continual reminder that it will soon be my turn to go up on stage.
The wave comes again.
Thud, thud, thud.
This wave was not gentle. It commanded fear.
A ripple effect is created now.
Back and forth, my heart and head talk to each other, repeating the same rhythmic sound.
Thud, thud, thud.
A shudder runs forcefully through my body, acting as the sounding of an alarm, warning me of the nightmare that is ahead, reminding me that I am powerless to my anxiety.
It is a siren of fear. Fixated on this thought, a burn signals my eyes to blink but my mind cannot unlock.
Thud, thud, thud.
Reality hits me in the form of a hollow thud.
My eyes mimic my body, darting from left to right. Has anyone noticed?
Urgently, I look to others for answers.
Can they hear the bellowing beat of fear? See the way that fear takes control?
I did not need a mirror to know that my eyes had become translucent from the tears within them.
I did not need a mirror to see that my face is no longer mine, only a hollow lifeless version of it.
I am possessed.
Thud, thud, thud.
No-one looks. I am losing control. Every passing second brings the dreaded moment closer.
Thud, thud, thud.
Catching my breath before it wheezes out, I swallow hard, trying to drown out the dialogue to the battle internally, hoping that if I freeze my body it will disappear.
I tense every nerve tightly. I cannot even release my own breath.
Finally I hear nothing, but with nothing comes more thoughts.
Silence? The world is silent. Why is it silent? Why is the room silent?
Suddenly silence turns back to noise.
Thud, thud.
As if upset, the haunting siren returns louder.
Thud, thud.
Back and forth, my head and heart now scream at one another.
Thud, thud.
Battling with every possible aspect of myself, I desperately push myself up from the chair I had hoped to sink into.
Thud.
It is my turn. I can feel watchful eyes of the crowd piercing deep within, peering into my weaknesses, judging my insecurity.
Thud, thud.
Silence in the room rings in my ears.
Thud thud. Ringing somehow turns into whispers. Into judgement. Into fear.
Thud. Uncontrollable spiralling of thoughts takes hold, frantically racing from worry to worry, the thudding will not stop.
Thud, thud. A silent room has never been so loud. Bursting through me, the sound of fear is all I can hear.
Thud, thud. Each swallow I fight against my body’s urge to vomit. I fight against the burning urge to burst with tears.
Each step is like fighting against quicksand, trying to not sink further through the floor.
Thud.
Time for the final fight. I reach the stairs.
There was no returning; gazing upon my vacant body venturing towards them.
Thud, thud. My consciousness detached, replaced by the fear.
One step, two steps, I count to myself, trying my best to find comfort from the chaos in my mind, trying to ignore the uncontrollable thuds, ignore the spiralling of my thoughts, trying with all I have to ignore that I am uncontrollably out of control.
Thud, thud, thud, thud.
Acting before my mind had time to fight back, my feet shuffled forwards, finding their way under the light.
Underneath the exposing light I stood. No shadows to hide behind, only the microphone could shelter me from the audience.
Thud, thud. Now, towering over the microphone, I try to signal for words to come out.
I freeze.
Thud.
