Dear Uncle Norm,
My fiance is bent on wearing a kilt to our wedding. I’ve told him he’ll humiliate me in front of my friends. But he witters on with pronouncements like: ‘‘My grandfather was wed in his kilt, ditto my dad, and it’s my duty to maintain the McConachie tradition of kilted grooms.’’ Hamish is good looking in a pink Scottish way, and has an amazingly profitable plumbing business. But his knees are freckled. How can I make him see that putting family tradition before me is selfish?
Skye, Maori Hill.
- Bridegrooms, too, get carried away with dress. Many chaps have groomsmen in lavender suits with pink ruffles. (I gather there are people who hire out such get-ups). If push comes to shove, I suppose you could threaten bridesmaids in Royal Stewart pantsuits. But you overlook the issue closest to your heart. You are correct that this is a trousers question. Insist this is the bride’s day, and enforce your will on the wedding. Then you can look forward to the marriage you desire where Skye wears the trousers. (Allow the poor man some small victory. Perhaps you could offer a compromise gift of tartan jockeys for the ceremony?)
Dear Uncle Norm,
At Radio NZ we tried to become more youth focused. But the anti-progressives butchered us when we tried to give Bateoven and Moe’s Art the chop. Our reasons were politically sound — the audiences for Handle et al are both old and Pakeha. We checked the PC Handbook which confirms our belief this is an undesirable demographic in terms of both age and race. Why did we lose? RNZ Executive Team.
- Because you’re idiots. Sack your assistant for giving you the dated 2019 PC Handbook —the 2020 version recognised that ‘‘old Pakehas’’ could mistakenly include women. The new manual refines undesirables to ‘‘old white men’’. It is widely known these brutes listen to their Brarms through ear trumpets made from wildlife by ivory poachers.
Dear Uncle Norm,
Here at The Flat Earth Society we are not deniers. We have for several decades agreed that the world is in fact round.
The society has not, however, disbanded. The reason is that, if people are honest with each other, this roundness is simply theoretical.
The practical man looks around and observes that day to day, the world is flat as far as the eye can see. F.L.A.T.
There are huge opportunities if we embrace flatness. How can we kick-start some worthwhile Flat Earth projects?
Quentin Dick, Chairman
Flat Earth. (NZ). Petone.
- Shane Jones is your answer. He is a good keen man, and the Minister for Visionary Projects. To make your first $50 million a certainty, suggest planting another billion trees (but on flat areas). You must move your address north of Auckland. Presumably you’ve already purchased a NZ First membership?
Dear Uncle Norm,
I am fed up with cricket. Our summers are now so infested by this tiresome sport, that the game has become impossible to avoid. I especially dislike the players. Bullying bowlers aim bouncers at batsmen’s heads. Sneaky batsmen don’t walk when they are out. And all their pretend sportsmanship is nauseating. How can I get a holiday from this summer nightmare?
G. Stead, Christchurch.
- Perhaps a sound start would be resigning as Black Caps coach?
Dear Uncle Norm,
Recently, while parking my Datsun in the crowded Countdown car park, I saw a fellow beside his van attempting to unfold his wheelchair. It presented a dilemma and I wondered: ‘‘Should I report him to management?’’ He’d parked in one of OUR spaces. Surely rules are rules?
William Pecksniff, Cavendish.
- Pecksniff you’re clearly a splendid chap keen to do battle for a fairer society. Next time you encounter this offender, puff out your chest and make a citizen’s arrest. (Keep a spare toothbrush in your pocket. It may be a while before you get back home).
Dear Uncle Norm,
A friend was in the Scottish Shop, the one in town, and overheard a girl she identified as my fiancee inquiring after tartan jockeys. I gather they stock them in the plaid of the Gordon Highlanders, and also the MacWhirter (which is far too yellow). But they have no McConachie. I can’t abide Gordons or McWhirters, and the situation could become embarrassing. How should I address it?
Hamish McConachie, Andersons Bay Heights.
- I’d had reservations about your betrothed, but it seems her heart is in the right place. Abandon your many prejudices Hamish, and consider the affectionate thoughts behind the jockeys. Put yourself in her hands.
Advice from Uncle Norm at agonyunclenorm@yahoo.com.
- John Lapsley is an Arrowtown writer.
