Paper has been thrown at me in my career, usually when decidedly ungodlike people could not make sense of what I had written on it.
The closest I came to loving paper-throwing was confetti at my wedding. What a worthless expression that was. No money for me and vacuuming for someone else.
Money aside, it would have been reassuring to have been allowed some sort of godlike status in my own home.
The only times the offspring waited for me to begin eating before they did were when they were worried the offering might be poisonous.
Years ago I attempted to have my own sacred ground, namely the upstairs toilet, but they ignored the rather blunt sign proclaiming a ban on those who piddled on the floor.
It was enough to make one doubt one's godlike abilities.
In my selfless way I like to think it is not too late for others to address the godliness issue.
In the past week Education Minister Anne Tolley and self-styled saviour of the masses Destiny Church's Brian Tamaki have led the way.
They both know the path to salvation of any kind is about not being frightened of setting standards.
While it has been revealed that followers of Brian have a set of protocols to revere him which can only provoke sinful envy in us mere mortals, Anne has been talking up the controversial national standards for primary school pupils.
Even though education academics have been critical, the teachers' union is so enthusiastic its representatives did not show up to the standards launch, and many parents may also have doubts, Anne knows eventually we will all be grateful for her foresight.
The setting of these standards, true believers, will mean that every child in New Zealand will have the chance to become a confident, connected (to what I am not sure), actively involved, lifelong learner by showing they can read, write and do arithmetic to assigned standards at particular times in their schooling.
Yay! We all know that all children come to school with common backgrounds and learning abilities, making it easy for any teacher worth his or her whiteboard marker to ensure they learn at a certain rate.
Without the "painting by numbers" teaching approach of the standards, are we to believe teachers would never have known which pupils were struggling with literacy and numeracy and how to assist them? (Forgive me, Anne, but this notion is testing my faith.)
Quite how parents or anyone else will know whether schools are wasting time endlessly drilling kids, at the expense of real learning, to ensure they can come up with samples which will meet the standards is beyond me.
What will happen to any kids who can never meet them? Apparently, they will also be measured against the standards. How demoralising and pointless for all concerned. Wouldn't it make more sense to show all pupils progress in a way relevant to them?
Will schools be reluctant to take many pupils with learning difficulties because it may make their overall results look poor?
Parents may welcome the move to more plain speaking in school reports, but were the standards needed to promote that?
Perhaps those pesky teachers who do not see Anne's way as the true way need a new set of standards for their behaviour, drawing on those of followers of Brian Tamaki.
She could get her minions to decree all teachers must never tolerate anyone speaking critically of her or the national standards.
It might be going a little far, and perhaps outside the idea of secular education, to have them yelling "amen" or "hallelujah" at meetings attended by the minister, but cheery outbursts of "that's right!" or "ka pai!" accompanied by clapping and affirmative shouting could be appropriate. (I note Mr Tamaki's followers are expected to indulge in laughing during his preaching, but this could so easily be interpreted as derisory, I would advise against it).
Surprising Ms Tolley with gifts might similarly be misunderstood in this perk-busting era.
One idea she could adapt, however, is the notion from the Tamaki protocol that she is human and does make mistakes.
Like Tamaki's "sons", teachers could be asked to defend against any problems arising from her mistakes.
Further, they should cushion the effect of a mistake for her, and protect her, never intentionally exposing her weakness.
It won't be easy for her to inspire such loyalty, but buying a Harley, investing in a few gallons of hair gel and shouting "Enough is enough!" every few minutes could be steps in the right direction.
• Elspeth McLean is a Dunedin writer.
